Scared and anxious, questioning my diagnosis

* not hating on psychiatry, not asking for diagnosis, just want to share my feelings

Hi, thanks for reading this.

I'm feeling really bad right now. My anxiety has been through the roof. I've been wasting and ruining weekends and rest time because I've been unable to relax. After I've had an awkward conversation or made a mistake, I keep replaying and questioning everything I've said and calling myself stupid. I've sat up at night with my journal trying to coax myself to bed, writing down the same old fears that I'm not enough, and that everyone hates me, and that I can't change.

Ten years ago, I was also diagnosed with bipolar. I think it's accurate to say that I've had wild and extended periods of manic and depressive episodes. And I think that taking the antipsychoic meds has really helped stabilise my moods. But I feel like something else is going on.

I'm bad with noting and remembering details in conversations, I've always struggled to stay focused and finish tasks like assignments. I miss the points of conversation and I keep interrupting people, and accidently say inappropriate things. I used to think that was just the way I was and that was something I couldn't change or explain.

Last week I caused a minor COVID scare at work because I didn't report the details well to my boss, and couldn't remember all the facts when I was asked to recall them.

I hate that I keep trying to put myself into boxes. I don't think that labeling my "symptoms" and treating myself like a patient to be examined is helpful. I want to see myself as a whole person but that feels unwell, and my current supports aren't giving me any answers.

A few years ago I started questioning if I have something else like autism or adhd. My partner thought I was being melodramatic and my psychiatrist didn't think my garbled explanations were significant to re-examine my diagnosis.

But I think that whatever is happening to me in my head might be more than I can manage, especially if my chronic inattention and vagueness makes me a liability at work.

So I'm going to try to get my dignosis re-examined by another psych and, if I can, ditch the one that I've kept seeing only because he bulk bills.

I just feel so shitty going back to work every day, and now I'm paranoid that the records I've made for work clients have been bad too. I'm scared.

Please tell me I'm not alone.

tl;dr Feeling anxious, did shit thing at work because I can't focus, has there been something else wrong with me?