My elephant in the room - Dependent Personality Disorder

Thanks so much @Appleblossom ..... ♥️

My perspective is that the e.d. needs to be taken out of our equation before anything else can be seen clearly ..... because it is perpetuating its own aggression. If that’s not true ,.... let’s start with that .... finding that it’s not true ..... which doesn’t involve sweeping it under the carpet, labelling it a “set of slights”, and telling me that I am imagining things ...... (all true to date).

Absolutely relate to an eggshells-on-tightrope-walk ...... grrrr ..... if somebody hears me and sees me in all this, that is all the validation I need. With the e.d. on board it’s not an even playing field, and anyone trying to tell me that his e.d. is my fault is just insult to injury.

The rest we can work out for ourselves, I expect. We’ve worked a helluva lot out for ourselves to get this far through trials and tribulations uncommon to most people.

I invited the elephant in the room today, I stupidly took her by the hand and led her in. She crushed me. Today I learned the elephant always brings a friend when I invite her in, fear of abandonment. I wanted to SH and wanted/still want to run away. The feelings are overwhelming.

I ended up ringing MHT which I very rarely do. My elephant had left me feeling like there was no hope and that I’ll never get passed having her and the others attached and no hope of leading a fulfilling life without drama and chaos. The person I got knew me but I didn’t know she knew me. She reminded me in detail of some of my attempts to run away (usually with SH and ending up in hospital in shameful ways). I didn’t know or remember her being part of them and of the great tracking of teej to find her and keep her alive. She reminded me of one particular incident that was really damgerous on my behalf and could have hurt others. It helped to be reminded that I have come a way but I can’t currently convert that logic into feelings I can live with. I’m trying so hard not to run and not face my son just now and to turn it off but I can’t keep hurting him either. The shame is huge.

It feels like it’s impossible to get passed just now. How do people get passed this part? It feels like it’s part I’ll never shake 😢🤬

@TeejThe pressures on parents are so high these days. How much is good enough?

I have a peculiar relationship with shame, so I dont understand it in standard ways, and cant advise as such. Just feeling for you. Privacy for mums is not fequently raised, but I think the wounds take time and privacy to heal. As the wounds are caused deep in relationship with oneself.

Good to just see your profile pic.

Thanks @Appleblossom. I started to post to you earlier today but the wheels fell off. I’ve tried pretty hard to try to cope differently but am self medicating for a reprieve. Thanks again apple. Motherhood sucks really.

I apologise in advance if anyone else is to comment ( @Faith-and-Hope) as I’m expecting a big sleep now. Hugs to you all. 💜🤗

Hi @Teej .....

I am here and listening .....

I think the first step to getting past it is to talk about it ..... which you have, you are ....

There is something about bringing it out of your head that seems to help with working things out.

I found it works that way with anger. It seems to spin when it stays bottled up, and has nowhere to go.

Is this a good time to mention Brene ? I think you’re in the arena .... and looking for an escape from it ....when maybe the best thing for the moment is to accept that that is where you are, and it’s the start to working your way out of it in baby growth steps.

Have you seen me write that S2 is expected to make a full recovery, and fairly rapidly ..... and we are talking about a p.d. .....

I know there are many different forms of p,d, .... and this one stems from a perfectionist personality, and this personality type is prevalent in wh’s family. But what makes it a p.d. instead of just a personality type is that it is in a disordered state. Without trying to simplify it too much, part of the teaching he has received is that the disordered state can be re-ordered.

That is what you are working towards, but it also involves sitting with it a bit in the process, when the natural reaction is to numb or run.

My old GP used to tell me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I used to joke with him that I had it mastered. The sad truth is I really do. I’m so flipping naive and stupid and so intense and hormonal and self destructive......all behaviours you have all heard before.

I thought of Brené today @Faith-and-Hope and then came here to post and saw your last post after I’d tried to find a thread I could go under the radar :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤭. I stepped into the arena and got flattened. I feel like a joke. How could anyone ever take me seriously. I don’t mind being the joke for most of the time but at my most vulnerable it hurts so much. Everything is lining up for me to go 💥. I am so hormonal as well so I have all my vulnerabilities lined up waiting for me to light the :bomb:. I don’t know what I want from this because I’m so erratic I want to warn everyone to stay away but then I wouldn’t be writing it either. I’m so confused as to what would help and take the urge to spin the barrel down. Every word in my head is being screamed and lots of swear words are flying and I hate this version of me so much.

Hearing you @Teej

You are worth it

Hearing you @Teej .... 💜

Can you get out of the house with your dog and go for a walk ?

It will burn some of the adrenaline that is fuelling your fight/flight build-up and sometimes the cold air hit-ting your senses can jolt you into a different head space.

Being outside makes us a little more aware, accountable, something ..... and it might achieve a re-set for you.

Hearing you @Teej