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My elephant in the room - Dependent Personality Disorder
I'm going to apologise in advance that this post will probably go in circles as that is how I often think😬.
I have thought quite deeply about posting this for a long time. One of the reasons for doing so is for any others who may be feeling so alone with this too. There seems very little support and information for it. I had desperately tried when first diagnosed to look for support but there is very little around specific to DPD.
Currently this label causes so much shame but it's not really just the label. I think because I always saw myself as a strong fairly independent person the reality that I matched many of these traits has shamed me to my core. My current diagnosis from a few psychiatrists is DPD with BPD traits, anxiety, dythsmia and probable adult ADD. My current therapist tends to see it as CPTSD with a mixed type personality disorder (meeting traits from a few personality disorders), depression and anxiety. She watched my personality come more disordered from the trauma a few years back. I guess it doesn't matter what the label is I know I'm a dysfunctional mess on most days.
Back to my elephant. When I'm with someone and they know about my elephant (DPD) she behaves herself (mostly my therapist and best friend) and I can grow and move on. When I'm in the room with someone who keeps treating my elephant as if she's bad (my mental health team frequently) she begins to fill the room until I begin to suffocate sometimes becoming suicidal. Sometimes I become paranoid about people finding out about my elephant and I let her take over and suffocate me, sometimes becoming suicidal. This is the other reason I have decided to disclose. On the forums I had been getting more and more paranoid that I'd show the traits and I was suffocating under it. This had nothing to do with anybody but me. So now my elephant is in the room here too and I'm hoping now that I've introduced her she'll behave😊.
Lastly for me DPD hasn't really shown its full colours until the last few years. Prior to that I've had a partner since I was about 16. The longest time without one is 4months. It's really common for someone with this to need to have to have a partner and really difficult to not have one. My goal is to be in control of me before I venture down that path again. I also don't meet the more common traits of not being able to chose clothes, or food or common things like that but decision making in general is something I struggle with, however I feel this is improving. I have huge issues with fear of criticism, rejection and abandonment. I am often very naive and fantasize frequently. There are many others too. Lastly the psychiatrists have said that DPD is the main reason I haven't worked since my first son was born nearly 22 years ago. This for me is a huge obstacle knowing I have to (and want to) enter the paid workforce again.
If anyone has any similar experiences please chime in. 😊💜
