Addict father - trying to heal

Hi,

I am new to Australia, grew up in a small country with an addict father (he became one when I was 13) and a passive mother - she didn't know how to handle it. Due to that, I took on the responsibility to hold my family together, became a parent for my sister and mum, and I recently decided to cut communication with my dad since he was not apologetic and never realised the results of his actions. My parents split when I was 18. I am not emotionally stable and I blame myself for almost everything, fearing that I will end up like my parents.

I left my country when I was 18 to study (got a scholarship due to my parents wasting all the family funds - on his addiction), graduated in 2018 and since then I am trying to find myself by travelling the world, quitting jobs and being in unstable situations that feel comfortable since that's all I ever known. I had many failed relationships (3 of them being the most traumatic ones - with one physically abusing me and the other one emotionally which made me lose all hope in humans). I believe that this has to do with how I was treated growing up, in a hostile environment - neglected and abandoned. I also cannot stay in one country for long (I feel trapped).

I am struggling now, since I met a very nice guy that I believe brings out the best in me but I have many doubts and thinking of ending it. I always feel like that when things get serious.

I know I am trying to jeopardise everything and pressuring myself to decide if he is worth my effort, even if I don't know what's going to happen in the future (my coping mechanism is to feel in control, hence forcing myself to decide). My trust issues do not allow me to just go with the flow and I feel like I am drowning. He knows about everything, he is very supportive and listens to me. Why do I still feel like that?

Also, quarantine doesn't help my situation, since I am an extrovert and an overthinker. Any help/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance