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NikolaiSenior Contributor07 July 2016, 8:18 am AEST

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Hi everyone.
I have had a bipolar relapse into depression after 6 months of stability. It was triggered by some pretty devastating news but it still feels like a failure. I know that it's just the depression making me feel useless but it doesn't take away the distress it is causing me. I think I forgot that recovery is not ever going to be a destination I will reach, and there will always be rough seas along the way that will throw me off course. I guess I was just being naive thinking that I was going to be permanently well.

-N

7 replies

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Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor07 July 2016, 8:40 am AEST

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Hi @Nikolai

I'm glad you posted about it. I hope it has helped you, just being able to get those feelings out here ....

While I don't have the bipolar struggle, there are many here who do, who can relate to what you're feeling and what you're going through.

I have a daughter-in-law with bipolar, who keeps very much to herself, but I am learning more about what she is dealing with here, through the experiences of others, and it seems to help to share ...

Just wanted to say hi, and welcome ....

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hope77Senior Contributor07 July 2016, 9:28 am AEST

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hey @Nikolai Sending you a hug. Altho I don't have bipolar, I suffer from recurrent depression and anxiety with psychosis. was well for almost 5 years and thought it had gone away. then the truck I call it hit me early this year with a psychosis and severe anxiety and depression. it is easy to blame yourself but it is simply not true. you will get through it don't despair.

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NikolaiSenior Contributor07 July 2016, 3:53 pm AEST

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Thank you @Faith-and-Hope & @hope77
It definitely helps to put into words what I'm feeling.
Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully it will be a little brighter than today.

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Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor07 July 2016, 4:09 pm AEST

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We have a chatty bunch on the Night Shift thread - not confined to night or night owls and some of them have bipolar issues that they chat about ... you might find it comfortable to follow along for a little while. It ends up being live-chat a lot of the time, just cos a lot of us happen to be on at around the same time, but feel free to pop up and say hello. We're a friendly bunch ....

Lived Experience - Enjoying time with others - Night Shift

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utopiaSenior Contributor07 July 2016, 9:56 pm AEST

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Hi @Nikolai. I understand how devastating it can feel when you think you are 'cured' only to find yourself in a relapse.
I know myself how hard it was to accept when I got sick again after more than 5 years.
The negative self talk returns with a vengeance. A hospital stay helped me start banishing that self doubt talk.
Who is your support-gp -counselor - friend - family - partner? Are there any activities that bring you comfort or relief at the moment?
I wish you well

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NikolaiSenior Contributor07 July 2016, 10:33 pm AEST

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Hi @utopia thanks for taking the time to write. That must have been horrible after being well for so long. I'm just really hoping it doesn't stay for long. I do have plenty of support from friends, family and partner. But I must admit I find it hard to talk with them. As they have not felt what I feel I can't take seeing the fear in their eyes anymore. So I just mainly keep it to myself. Not healthy I know, but at least the support is there if I need it.

-N

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utopiaSenior Contributor07 July 2016, 11:28 pm AEST

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I understand what you mean @nickolai about family not understanding and not wanting to see the fear in their eyes.
My mum has been a great strength for me this year. She looked after my son when I was admitted to hospital and helped in other ways. She still wants to help but there is nothing she can help with. She doesn't understand my fears, what anxiety is like, how a panic attack feels at 3am. I think that's why this forum is good. Others with MI know how it truly feels. Their suggestions are based on their experiences with MI and seeking help.
It might be a good idea for you to talk to your gp and go from there. Getting help quickly may help shorten this episode. I hope it does for you.

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