LostforeverNew Contributor
I don’t deserve to be happy
I wish with all my heart that I could go back in time. I struggle with severe ocd and I don't like driving as I often think I have hit an animal. I should mention that I love animals and my worst fear is hitting an animal whilst driving. About a year ago, I was experiencing irrational anger and jealousy of my sister over something that she had no control over. We are very close twins and my ocd seems to exacerbate any negative emotions I experience to the point I get quite erratic and angry. I was having a bit of a meltdown and made myself calm down before I started to drive to mum and dads house. It was starting to get dark and I was concentrating on looking out for animals. Then suddenly all the negative angry thoughts popped into my head. At these moments I feel like I'm not in control and could do anything. I was terrified that I had hit a cat but I don't recall actually seeing an animal. I got home to mum and dads and was very distraught that I had hit a cat because of my irrepressible anger. I remember mum comforting me and persuading me that it was just my ocd (like she has done many times before). I settled down and things went back to normal until I found out that a neighbour's beautiful cat had gone missing, and was later found dead near their house and where I had been driving, around the same time. I was terrified that it was my fault. Somehow, I managed to put it to the back of my mind over the last year but I get really upset about it every now and then. Just lately, a year after it happened, I can think of nothing else. I've convinced myself that it definitely was my fault and I feel like I have no right to be happy and enjoy my animals when I have taken the life of a beautiful creature. I can barely bring myself to think about it as the thoughts that I have done this is just unbearable.
