I keep losing it with my toddler. Please help.

I understand @Princessmolly

I do know - it's a nightmare - my son wasn't just in his terrible twos - he is a very hurt little boy - and that happened when one of your parents took their life - you didn't cause what's happening with him - and he can't help it

He's in pain - and traumatised

I have to go to bed soon - but I think I know somewhere that might help more than I can - I'm sure I can find something on the internet - or if you ring LIfe LIne that might give you a number

What I am thinking of is a site where peoople who have lost famity members or close friends to suicide

You should not go through this alone - and I have had two suicides in my family - one thirty years ago - the other 8 years ago both the anniversaries a in June/July - and I certainly know how devastating this is - and I am suprised that no counsellor has picked this up

Let's say - take the first disaster first when you are talking to someone - say your counsellor - or you doctor - and say how bad it has been since your parent killed themself while you were pregant - that is the base of the problem

My son was adopted - I know this can have a disastrous effect on people too - babies cannot tell us what the problem is - we can only know that there is a problem

I do have to get off the computer though - I have a headache and I have been talking to someone on Facebook for a long time - always knowing that you might message back -

You are alsos still grieving the sudden and violent loss of your parent - nothing that is happening to you is in anyway eased until you are able to find out how to deal with that suicide

Decadian

Hi Molly

If you type Survivors of Suicide into your browser you will come up with a whole bunch of contacts - I have used some of these myself

I think the problem with your son started with the suicide during your pregnancy - - and somehow this has been overlooked

Back later

Decadian

Hello @Princessmolly

The suicide of a parent during pregnancy is a phenomenal load. I also had to deal with suicide when pregnant and with littlies (siblings, friends and uncles). It is so hard because there is no moments where you can just be an adult and process your feelings gradually. Kids pick up on the mother's distress and it unsettles them as they cannot put into a proper perspective.

I also thought about getting things in order to depart and I am glad that I did not.

Hang in there. Try and build a village from services. Dont push yourself too hard. Learn about grief from suicide and give yourself lots of leeway. I liked Toddler Taming too ... but as loving as you want to be to your toddler .. save some for you ... it is a joint thing ...

In the meantime... re settling ... maybe cuddle a big pillow (like European pillow) for you to get a sense of groundedness in your own skin and sleep ... encourage him to be on other side ... but be friendly ... and see if he can self soothe in his own body without physical contact ... or minimal hand and foot connection.Bring his cot next to bed and play peekaboo ... and settle ... the heart connection of the mother and child dyad is important but it is best if you can settle together but a bit apart.

Find some activities that you can actually enjoy with your child. not should ... or ought ... but that are good for you. Pass on things that you love doing.

I found the swimming pool and the park good for me actually having fun with pre-schoolers ... I spent a lot of time in the toddler pool just to get a bit of play and laughter to balance all the boring routine bits of the day. Play dates are great but your bond could be nourished too.

I found it difficult to laugh for a while because it is attached to our feelings and that connected to crying ... and to stem that flow was important.

I found the grief too much to be able to be comfortable in a lot of mother's groups, because I got triggered, but found structured groups for children better as I knew we would have a good time and then I could recoup at home.

Sorry to hear your story. Suicide is one of the most difficult things to deal with.

Hi @Princessmolly

I am so glad you found this community. I hope feeling the support through the computer screen has been a little bit helpful for you.

@PANDA is one of the Forum partners here, who have a great Helpline. The number is 1300 726 306/

@2or3thingsIknow may be able to provide some additional suggestions or referrals.

In the meantime, you may want to check out a Topic Tuesday PANDA were part of last month. The topic was Mental Health challenges in parenthood.

Take care

Hi @Princessmolly. It sounds like you have poured your heart and soul into your son. It can be deeply crushing having tried many things to be left feeling like nothing works. You are not alone in struggling with the battles of managing a 2yo. It seems that you have been struggling for quite a while however. Sleep deprivation whilst dealing with the demands of an infant can really change us to the point we no longer recognise ourselves. What is happening is not okay on any level. That you are experiencing such distressing symptoms is an indication that something needs to change for you and your son. It does not indicate that you are a bad mum, but a mum who needs to take action and seek support. Talking about what is happening is a great first step, but getting the right help is the next step and there are many support options available to you.

We would recommend a mental health assessment and treatment plan to ensure you can begin to enjoy your little family again and manage the demands of your son. You could start by sharing with your GP what you have shared here. If that seems too difficult (and it often is ) you might like to ring the PANDA Helpline 1300 726 306 M-F 10-5pm, and we can support you and your family as you access the professional support you need.

Be gentle with yourself @Princessmolly and access help where you can. Doing it alone is incredibly overwhelming for anyone.

The PANDA team x

Hi @Princessmolly, there are support groups for parents with mental illness who have infants. You may want to talk to your Maternal Child Health Nurse or state based equivalent for local suggestions. PANDA also have a database for PND support groups. It is possible that you may need to get yourself in a better place first before hearing other's stories but you will know what will be helpful for you. If you can work through this @Princessmolly what an amazing role model you will be for your son. He will love you anyway. Imagine what a gift it is to be able to talk to him when he is older about facing struggles in life and finding your way through it. This will get better and my heart is with you.