@NatureLover
I wasn't expecting to still be here today. I requested that my account be closed yesterday, as I am afraid that my anonymity has been compromised. However the moderators tell me that only a manager can close an account. So I guess I am still here until Monday when they return. Although this is upsetting and very worrying for me, there is one good thing about it. It enables me to keep my promise to you to post here on your thread. I am generally very reliable and keep my word, so I'm glad to have this chance.
So ... as promised, here is how OCD manifests itself for me. Perhaps my experience may benefit others with various forms of OCD. I'm sorry it was done in a bit of a hurry, I hope it all makes sense and not just a heap of drivell. As explained to you before, I do not have germophobia or hoarding, but I do know that most of the feelings and stresses involved in any form of OCD is much the same for all sufferers.
My Obsessions:
Symmetry, Order, Patterns and Numbers.
Certain numbers, colours, patterns are 'bad'.
A need to know and remember things such as dates events etc.
A compelling need for certainty and control of things that matter.
My Compulsions:
Repeated counting, ordering and aligning of items or things.
Constant checking of locks, appliances, taps, etc.
For me, things have to be lined up in a particular way, and everything has to be in its place. I constantly feel the need to count things ... bricks in a wall, steps in a staircase, etc.
I watch the digital clock by my bedside all night long. Every time I look at the clock it has to be a 'good' number. If it isn't, then something bad is going to happen to a loved one. I bargain with people's lives in my head. If the number is 'bad', I need to try and manipulate it somehow in order to make it 'good'. Halve it, double it ... anything to make it okay and for the bargain not to have to come about.
Everything on all tables, benches, desks, has to be perfectly aligned. Bunches of papers need to be lined up perfectly. If I receive a bunch of papers and they are stapled haphazardly and not properly aligned .... I have to take them apart and make it right.
When I wash up ... all the dishes, cutlery, glasses etc have to be in the proper place. If anyone else does it, I have to put it right. Hanging out washing on the line ... all clothes have to be properly lined up, like colours and types together. Pegs have to be colour matched to the proper coloured clothes.
I often look at brick walls in the house ... count them, make patterns out of them ... constantly reshuffling things to make the right patterns and numbers. If I'm going out of the house ... I check 3 times that the door is locked. I check 3 times also that I have my door key in my handbag. When going away for a few days ... I check lights, taps, doors, etc numerous times.
These are just a few examples of how it affects me. There are many others, but I think you get a good idea from what I've already written. When my OCD is out of control, It can all become very mentally and physically exhausting. And highly distressing when things don't work out as they need to.
My psych has asked me to 'challenge' myself occasionally to allow things to just 'be'. Assures me that nothing bad will happen. But my mind won't permit that. We have done some CBT in an effort to reduce the severity of the OCD. And I think it did help a little, although the extent of my OCD varies depending on my levels of anxiety at any one time.
Research shows that a trauma background is a risk factor to developing OCD. Although I suspect I probably showed some minor tendencies towards it prior to that. However my trauma, and the need to try to cope with the aftermath, proved to be the trigger for it becoming an obvious problem for me. My OCD became worrying for me about 6 months or so after my trauma occurred. My psych believes it's become a coping mechanism for me. An effort to take control of things and divert the mind from the more difficult stuff
Something else I do is compulsive or chronic Lip biting (also known as Body Focused Repetitive Behaviour). BFRB is, as I understand it, another form of OCD. Much the same as OCD, BFRBs occur as a coping mechanism in situations where a person is feeling anxious or uncomfortable. The repetitive behaviours can provide temporary relief from painful emotions, and is a physical response to an emotional state such as stress, fear or anxiety. Chronic lip biting is just one example of BFRB's, and is the only one that applies to me. Although the term applies to any repetitive self-directed behaviour that damages skin, hair or nails. I often bite my lips and tear the skin off, thus causing wounds.
@NatureLover ... I have really enjoyed getting to know you a little better these past few weeks. And I appreciate all the support and guidance you have provided to me. I really hope you settle into your Guide role in a way which you feel comfortable. Because I think you're the type of person we all need in that role.
Wishing you the best that life has to offer you ... because there are none more deserving than you.
Sherry 🙏🌺
