Depths

So I've had meds of various sorts, docs, therapists, ECT, hospitalisation, employment, unemployment, colouring therapy, mindfulness, arts/crafts, journaling, exercise just to name a few. I'm losing what remaining hope I had, and it's becoming more than I can bear. Yesterday Lifeline suggested just having a cuppa tea and a warm bath. Oh, that's so that's a sweet idea. Making a hot cuppa tea is a delightful way to counteract my intense, deep and serious feelings of wanting to be forever non-existent. *sheesh* I feel that all the places I've come across to help are patch-meal. I need a better plan than someone on a keyboard or in a call centre telling to not off myself because I have tea in the kitchen. Oooh yipee.

I don't know what the point is. I've been an absolute leach on my family and society, and I can't even find the most simple of jobs to start making a contribution again. I can't seem to trust myself in the simplest of tasks (like sending a work-related email) because my confidence is blown. Most of all, the majority of people (like my family and daycare drop-off) need me to just be smiley so I play pretend a few hours a day. I'm losing the ability to play pretend. I don't give two f*cks anymore about myself. It scares me that I don't, but I don't. I know my attitude is shot, but I hope you can forgive me.