In times like these when I see or read about abusers getting off,
I always tell myself:
Recovery doesn't happen in the court or in any system. A not guilty verdict or lack of justice does not erase what I have been through or change the challenge of learning to build a life worth having and continuing.
It happens because of you and within you. Sure, hopefully therapy helps along the way, but sometimes it will not, and at the end of the day, it us, the survivors, who do the hard work. No one else.
And that is one thing none of our abusers will ever have. Self-awareness, self-reflection, willingness and willpower. Persistence and acceptance of even the most heinous and horrific. They will never possess any of that. Its important to remember that, especially in the hardest of times.
That's not to erase the amount of power and impact an abuser and their abuse has. It is to say that we possess a power that they don't, that is actually worthy and righteous. They could change, but they won't. Yet alone like we all do because it is what we must do in order to keep going.
I know, trust me, how hard it is to let go of the trap that you are your abuse. Take it from me, a real person with real experience, you are not and never will be.
Is it hard to deal with justice not being served, yes it is, but it is not deserving of the power to crush you and ruin your progress and path forward. Does it hurt, yes, is it hard to look past and forget, yes, and you don't have to in order to keep going. I never have. I use it as fuel, in hope that some day I will be able to finally reach the place I set out to, and use my story for the purpose of helping others to find their path and take their place in a worthwhile life after trauma, no matter how fucked up or prolonged.
Is it hard to believe, yes. It is. Especially in yourself. I know that better than most. But never turn that switch off. It is what makes you more than what your abuser wanted and at times, it is all you will have to continue.
My abusers are not worth the time of day or the energy of rumination about them and every last negative they have inflicted upon my life. They aren't worth anything. I know, that's harsh, but it is one of very few contributions to why I remain in this world.
Sometimes it is all I have, to remember that they are not worth and don't deserve getting what they wanted from me.
To any and all survivors of his, and of any abuser, I have been in your place, I know what it is like to have to deal with both the trauma of assault and of being so crudely let down by the criminal justice system. You will and can make it through this. I am not saying this for my own sake, for reputation, because its my job to or for my own gain, I am saying it because I am a survivor too and I firmly believe in the truth. You have what it takes to make it through this, I know it is very difficult to believe that, and in no way am I saying that it will be easy, it will not, but you will make it.
It will be hard, times are still hard for me, I am still fighting for my very existence, sometimes on a second to second basis. But it will be worth it when you come out on the other side, and you are worth it. This isn't it for you.
You are more than your trauma and more than this verdict.
