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This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

LJESenior Contributor31 Mar 2020, 11:58 am AEDT

This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

Hi there 😊 I'm in desperate need of some support and guidance. I know everyone is struggling right now so I feel guilty even asking for help. But I do know I can't continue the way I've been going.

I'm a 38 year old female. I have bipolar affective disorder but am ordinarily a very high functioning human being. After 9 years of chronic health issues, fibromyalgia, a back injury that had me on a walker for 3 years and a weightloss, we began trying for a baby mid-2019.

My husband and I were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. We had 5 x IUI's (with 1 x early miscarriage in October last year). We had just secured our funding for IVF and were due to start that in mid-April 2020. We had a 3-5% chance of conceiving at home. Not really a chance.

So you can imagine my shock when I discovered last Monday that I am pregnant. I'm nearly 6 weeks now. But my initial reaction was complete fear. I've miscarried before - will I miscarry again? I've had 2 x blood tests 3 days apart and my HCG was 3000 at 4 weeks 5 days and 7200 at 5 weeks 1 day. The numbers are strong, doubling nicely and my progesterone is now good. This should all be very reassuring but instead, I'm descending into what I can only refer to as a living nightmare. Those numbers are high. Are they too high? Is it twins? Or a molar pregnancy? I have some fairly typical symptoms but only mild nausea. Shouldn't I be more sick or vomiting by now?? So many questions stuck in a mental loop.

My fertility specialist said that although we are not out of the woods yet because we need to see a heartbeat on the ultrasound at 7 weeks, it looked like a strong, healthy pregnancy. So why can't I just hold on to this?

I've been off my mood stabiliser since last July when we started trying to conceive. All in all, I've been coping quite well. But now that I'm actually pregnant, the fear and anxiety is debilitating, not least because I can't see or hug my family because of Covid-19; the people I need most in the world around me besides my husband for support and I can't have it. They've been waiting years for this news.

I spend most of my days physically shaking and sweating at the slightest cramp, discomfort or bad thought. I can't function or perform basic tasks (though I'm also very fatigued from bub, I'm struggling to rest and sleep). It's like I've doomed this baby and I'm pre-writing the story, which I have no right to do.

I'm strong, I'm a fighter and I know our baby will be the same. I just can't understand why, in what should be the most joyous time of our lives, I'm consumed by the darkness, the negative and the catastrophising.

It's a scary world outside our doors at the moment and it all feels very surreal. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance 😊

PS. I am speaking with both a psychologist and psychiatrist but I'm still finding this very hard. No one warned me that although my risk of post-natal depression was quite high, pre-natal depression and anxiety is very real too. Especially in the time of a pandemic when loved ones and support are physically out of reach.

82 replies

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In response to: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

CheerBearSenior Contributor07 Apr 2020, 4:30 pm AEST

Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

Oh wow @LJE. What an awesome post to have read. Congratulations! Super, super happy for you! I can imagine how relieved you would have been to see your tiny little one ❤ And imagine how anxious you might have felt in the lead up to it. Did you get a photo to take home?

I'm not sure I believe in miracles either but your story sounds about as close as it can get. How special!

I don't have any opinions on medication with pregnancy except that it is super important to seek medical advice from a trusted health professional and follow it. Each pregnancy and each person is different and I know it's a really tricky one for many mumma-to-be's so you're not alone with it. You're also not alone with experiencing anxiety during pregnancy either. It can be such an anxious time for many.

Today is one of those not great days for me, but thank you for asking. It makes hearing awesome news like yours even more awesome though. Kids just made choc chip cookies. One good thing about staying home on our own are the yum treats coming out of the kitchen.

Yay you! Thanks for sharing your great news here 🎉

In response to: Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

LJESenior Contributor07 Apr 2020, 4:51 pm AEST

Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

What's going on, @CheerBear? Is there anything you would like to talk about? I'm really sorry to hear that it's not a great day for you ☹

I know the plus-side is delicious home-baked treats but this is such a testing time. Just know that I'm thinking of you and will support you however I can ❤

PS. Yes, i did get a photo - 4 of them. It looks like a long grain of rice right now but it's there. That's what matters 😊

In response to: Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

CheerBearSenior Contributor07 Apr 2020, 6:59 pm AEST

Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

Thanks @LJE. I think it is a case of things feeling big and overwhelming today. Looking around and seeing the struggle so many are having with so many things. My own challenges of being in the house with the kids allllll the time didn't help today. The announcement that school here (not sure about anywhere else) will be online until term 3 made it feel even more big I guess. Just a blegh day.

So glad you got some photos! They're treasures to hold on to that will hopefully help you feel a little sense of ease or calm. Then treasures to look back on when that grain of rice is running around not so little anymore 😁! Not too long until the next scan either (though it might feel like a long time) 🙂

In response to: Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

LJESenior Contributor07 Apr 2020, 7:19 pm AEST

Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

Oh @CheerBear ... I can certainly understand why you are at where you are at. It's such a huge adaptation to make even if it had been by choice, but when it feels forced upon us, it adds to the 'overwhelm'.

I already know from our limited correspondence that you are a strong and resilient person and mum. And a kind-hearted one... so I know stories of peoples' struggles would affect you greatly.

How are you going with news consumption etc? Would it be worth avoiding the news for a couple of days until you feel a bit stronger? I know I go on Twitter and straight away assume we are in Armageddon... 😳

As for the schooling, that's a big one. I come from a family of teachers over multi- generations so I'm currently seeing it from the other side... I know everyone is doing the best they can but it is a huge commitment for the students, the teachers AND the parents. If there is anything I can do on that front in terms of offering support or advice from teaching friends/family, please don't hesitate to ask ❤

In response to: Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

CheerBearSenior Contributor07 Apr 2020, 7:51 pm AEST

Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

Thank you for your very kind words @LJE ❤ I have some very awesome kids that I'm lucky to be mum to 😊

You're very right in that the forced nature of this is making it harder. It's a struggle to feel like I don't have control over stuff, like many people experience.

I was so sucked in to the news and media for a while but have eased up a bit on it now, though I can easily get sucked back in. I feel better when I can stay away from it so it's probably a good idea to watch how much I am reading about it. Tricky finding the balance between staying informed and being overwhelmed by it!

Your family of teachers would be feeling the impact of all of this in a huge way too. Hard to imagine managing schooling from here/home. My Big is doing work way beyond what I remember doing. My Middle has a role at school they worked super hard for and are feeling the loss of not being able to do that already. Little is in a world of their own haha. I guess school offers many kids a lot more than class learning too. They're our community and a major part of our support network.

Thanks for your offer of support also. It's really cool you're here on the forum.

I'm off to play some Switch. That's a fun distraction.

Hope you have a decent rest tonight. Meant to ask whether you've had anymore nightmares or bad dreams? It would have been a very big day for you.

In response to: Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

LJESenior Contributor07 Apr 2020, 9:10 pm AEST

Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

Enjoy playing Switch, @CheerBear !! Distraction can be the key 😁

I'll touch base with you tomorrow arvo to see how you are doing... but in the meantime, be kind to yourself and enjoy that beautiful family of yours ❤

I'm in bed and fading fast - listening to Brenè Brown's new podcast. It's called Unlocking Us - first ep deals with anxiety, vulnerability and coping with Covid... I found it brilliant so maybe have a listen if you haven't already? It really helped. She's a highly knowledgeable human! Lol.

PS. No more nightmares like that other one but expecting one tonight - have a dentist trip tomorrow and dentists terrify me. I sound like a basket case but I promise I'm actually a strong and capable human being. Haha

In response to: Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

LJESenior Contributor08 Apr 2020, 7:18 pm AEST

Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

How did you go today, @CheerBear ?? xx

In response to: Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

CheerBearSenior Contributor09 Apr 2020, 6:30 am AEST

Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

Hi @LJE. Grrrr I lost another post to you!

Thank you for checking in yesterday ❤ It was another not so great day for me which was a bit annoying. I'm feeling the cabin fever, missing people, sad and frustrated feels at the moment. I think it's probably something many of us are going through at times so I'm trying to accept that it is what it is. Wishing it was different isn't really helping. New day today 🙂

How did you go at the dentist? And how did you sleep the night before? Really hard one if it's a big fear of yours 🙁

You don't sound like a basket case haha! You have been through a lot by the sound of it. It's OK to have your struggles. It definitely doesn't make you any less strong 🙂

I found these online mental health courses the other day that are being offered for free during the covid crisis (free sign up until 30/4), run by St Vincent's hospital Sydney and Uni of NSW (from what I understand). There's one for new and expecting mums which made me think of you. Here's the link if you're interested:
https://thiswayup.org.au/how-we-can-help/courses/mumentum-anxiety-and-depression-courses/

Hope your day starts well enough ❤

In response to: Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

LJESenior Contributor09 Apr 2020, 5:23 pm AEST

Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

Hi @CheerBear - I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling so much right now! If it's any consolation, I think you're coping really well and you obviously have a common sense approach to these bizarre times. Sometimes our brains and emotions catch up to that a little slower though... How did today turn out? What were the positives? 😊

Dentist was so-so... have 1 x slightly cracked and 1 x slightly decaying tooth side by side (thanks 23 years of medication *facepalm*) but because dentists are on level 3 Covid restrictions, they can do nothing but extract. Can't drill, can't use aerosols. But without an x-ray, they don't know which one to pull so the advice is brush with a sensitivity toothpaste and do salt water washes until 2nd trimester or the restrictions drop back. I'm tempted to tell them to pull out both teeth. Don't think I could cope with something happening to this pregnancy because I got an abscess 🤯😱

Thanks so much for that resource! I'll check it out tonight or first thing in the morning - I'm a bit tired today. Was halfway through replying to you 3 hours ago but fell asleep. Haha.

Wishing you a peaceful and calm evening - sending strength your way. Hang in there! 😘

In response to: Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

CheerBearSenior Contributor29 Apr 2020, 7:30 am AEST

Re: This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

Hi @LJE. Just checking in to see how things have been going for you over the last little while, if you feel like sharing? Hope you (and bub and husband) are well and healthy.

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