This Should Be The Most Joyous Time Of My Life

Hi there 😊 I'm in desperate need of some support and guidance. I know everyone is struggling right now so I feel guilty even asking for help. But I do know I can't continue the way I've been going.

I'm a 38 year old female. I have bipolar affective disorder but am ordinarily a very high functioning human being. After 9 years of chronic health issues, fibromyalgia, a back injury that had me on a walker for 3 years and a weightloss, we began trying for a baby mid-2019.

My husband and I were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. We had 5 x IUI's (with 1 x early miscarriage in October last year). We had just secured our funding for IVF and were due to start that in mid-April 2020. We had a 3-5% chance of conceiving at home. Not really a chance.

So you can imagine my shock when I discovered last Monday that I am pregnant. I'm nearly 6 weeks now. But my initial reaction was complete fear. I've miscarried before - will I miscarry again? I've had 2 x blood tests 3 days apart and my HCG was 3000 at 4 weeks 5 days and 7200 at 5 weeks 1 day. The numbers are strong, doubling nicely and my progesterone is now good. This should all be very reassuring but instead, I'm descending into what I can only refer to as a living nightmare. Those numbers are high. Are they too high? Is it twins? Or a molar pregnancy? I have some fairly typical symptoms but only mild nausea. Shouldn't I be more sick or vomiting by now?? So many questions stuck in a mental loop.

My fertility specialist said that although we are not out of the woods yet because we need to see a heartbeat on the ultrasound at 7 weeks, it looked like a strong, healthy pregnancy. So why can't I just hold on to this?

I've been off my mood stabiliser since last July when we started trying to conceive. All in all, I've been coping quite well. But now that I'm actually pregnant, the fear and anxiety is debilitating, not least because I can't see or hug my family because of Covid-19; the people I need most in the world around me besides my husband for support and I can't have it. They've been waiting years for this news.

I spend most of my days physically shaking and sweating at the slightest cramp, discomfort or bad thought. I can't function or perform basic tasks (though I'm also very fatigued from bub, I'm struggling to rest and sleep). It's like I've doomed this baby and I'm pre-writing the story, which I have no right to do.

I'm strong, I'm a fighter and I know our baby will be the same. I just can't understand why, in what should be the most joyous time of our lives, I'm consumed by the darkness, the negative and the catastrophising.

It's a scary world outside our doors at the moment and it all feels very surreal. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance 😊

PS. I am speaking with both a psychologist and psychiatrist but I'm still finding this very hard. No one warned me that although my risk of post-natal depression was quite high, pre-natal depression and anxiety is very real too. Especially in the time of a pandemic when loved ones and support are physically out of reach.