I am so hurt and angry.

Hi @PYM

Welcome to the SANE Forums!

I am incredibly sorry for what you and your husband are going through. It sounds like this has been a very long road, which has lately gotten to crisis point. I can imagine you are feeling so exhausted and scared, alongside feeling incredibly hurt and angry that your husband didn't take responsibility to get help for his mental health sooner.

I can imagine you are also feeling hurt that he blames the marriage for his depression - especially, since relationships are a two-way street where both partners contribute to healthy and unhealthy relationship outcomes. Have you considered getting support for yourself in this situation, as carrying all this would take a toll on anyone's mental and emotional health? Perhaps, you could even consider couple's therapy, after your husband's mental health has stabilized a bit further. What do you think?

Kindest Regards,

Amour_Et_Psyché

I would truly love to peruse couples counselling however my husband won't. He can't deal with hearing home truths now if I was completely honest in a session he would never get over it. I just need to find some sort of way to put all my emotions aside and give him the wife he expects me to be until he is in a right state of mind. It is so hard but when he continually threatens me I have no choice!

Hi @PYM

Yes, I was getting the sense that your husband would need his mental health to stabilise a bit before being able to engage in couple counselling work. In this case, getting support for yourself in the meanwhile is absolutely crucial. In this light, you are more than welcome to reach out to our SANE Help Centre on 1800 18 72 63 or our online chat service to get some tailored counselling support or referral direction.

You could also consider getting individual help for yourself from someone who specialises in relationships. In this way, you could get support to help yourself better manage in your marriage. I know this is not as ideal as couple counselling but it may have trickle down effects, whilst being the most feasible option for you right now.

I understand that your husband is not in a right state of mind, but it is never OK for someone to threaten you that they will suicide. Ultimately, this is a form of mental and emotional abuse. In this case, being the kind of wife he expects you to be may enable him to continue behaving in this way and, by the sounds of it, this is not working for you (i.e., leaving you feeling powerless, exhausted, overwhelmed, hurt and angry). This can be jarring to hear, so if you are struggling with this information, please feel free to reach out to our Help Centre (as listed above) or call 1800 Respect (1800 737 732).

Please take very good care of yourself.

Kindest Regards,

Amour_Et_Psyché

@PYM sending you lots of hugs my friend

my husband will not get any help , he was put in hospital 4 years ago and was sent home with new meds and appts but he will not go to the appts and he stops his meds from time to time

@Former-Member

@Former-Member, @Determined , @Appleblossom

Suicide is never an answer.

The way your hubby is using it is manipulative.

@PYM

There are probably lots of reasons for his depression.

Sometimes I think personal relationships are blamed for more than they are responsible for and the broader social situation ought be examined more.

Take Care of you during this very difficult time.

Hi @PYM

Feeling resentful and angry are feelings that we can get as carers. We get tired, feel helpless and want everything to be "right" . We find it difficult to show kindness and compassion, especially when symptoms are acute. Intimacy is often a casualty when our loved ones are depressed and where there is carer stress.

Getting our own support and doing things that help lift our spirits is essential to help us through. I am grateful for the advice I was given to get some help for myself after my husband's crisis. Having my own counselor helped me sort myself out and I was able to declutter our house which had become untidy during his crisis and eventually was able to enjoy gardening again, a long term hobby that I had stopped doing.

Whilst things are acute, we do what we need to do to encourage our loved ones to get the help they need; due to the nature of their condition, this does often involve doing a lot more than one would normally need to until such time as they are in a better place to be able to take on this responsibility themselves.

I am so greatful for all the kind words. I am booked into my GP this week but seeing a psychologist has never been truly effective for me. My husband thinks I go purely to complain about him, then to top it off each psychologist I see says I should leave him. So between either side not being supportive I give up. But hopefully my GP can help guide me as I can't keep going like this. Thursday I applied for some jobs (my husband "hates" his business and is barely working at the moment so I am concerned financially) which then led him to believe I am having an affair. But come Friday he is insistent on sending the kids to my mums & going out for dinner and a movie? Then Sunday he doesn't get out of bed again. To top it off I found out on Friday that we have to put our nearly 15 year old dog down. So basically when it rains it pours.

@PYM

I have no intention on leaving my husband and have made that very clear to any therapist I have seen at the start as well as not wanting to go down the track of some of the current popular therapies which do not resonate with me. Having a goal of what you would like to achieve from the sessions that you can give the counselor is helpful.

Carer stress was the reason I started but for me I was not liking the negative person I was becoming. I was ready to do the necessary to ensure I,a as far as I am able, we can live well in spite of his diagnosis.

Feeling for you in regards to your beloved dog. 💔💔💔

That is a really good tip, making it clear leaving is not an option. Thank you so much for taking the time to support me. I agree, I feel like I am putting on a positive facade for my kids and friends, walking egg shells and behaving to what is expected with my husband to keep him from spiralling, yet hurting, angry, negative and alone inside. Thank you so much, you're so right..

Thank you, and yes I agree. But I couldn't deal with the guilt if he did do something.. x