P.T.S.D

Unfortunately, after a couple of years, I started to change but I could not put my finger on the cause.

I was addicted to the job. I attended every accident I could, went to as many domestic situations as possible and made my aim to attend any occurrence which involved serious injury and death.

In December 1989 when I had returned to my station, whilst walking down the hall towards the lunch room, I just stopped as if I had walked into an invisible wall and just stood there. In the station at the time was our resident doctor, having a smoke and a coffee.

He later told me that when he saw me I was just standing erect with a blank look in my eyes. He informed me that he had turned me around and taken me home. I lived in the station residence at the time some 10 metres away. He undressed me, put me into bed and gave me a sedative.

He returned the next morning and told me that I was unfit to return to work because of PTSD and gave me a certificate to cover me. The doctor arranged an appointment with a Consultant Psychiatrist whom I still see now.

During the years from 1990 'til now, spent not months but years in psychiatric hospitals and used numerous antidepressants to control my feelings. I was given the nickname "Loopy" by a group of Vietnam Vets.

And I use this name with pride.

I have been asked what is my illness like and can I describe it? I just say what I can about it but I do not understand how or why I am the way I am. It is all too hard. I just try to accept it and I don't care what others think or say so long as it is to my face.

As the result of my illness, I lost the job I loved, a spouse of nearly thirty years and any love for myself. In fact, I no longer know what it is to love or hate... which may or may not be a good thing.