Do i need to forgive in order to move on?

Hi @Chris,

I'm sorry that your last counselling session was a distressing experience. The loving kindness meditation can be great for some people, but very confronting for others. Individuals can have different experiences of it at different times too. Did you feel comfortable enough to tell your therapist about your reaction to this mindfulness exercise?

You raise a really interesting question about the role of forgiveness in recovery. I think it is a personal choice about how you wish to approach this.

Sometimes forgiveness can be helpful in letting go and moving forward free from the pain of past hurts. I imagine you're right that this might often take a lot of time and work.

At other times, people don't want to or cannot forgive another person, particularly in relationships in which there has been abuse. That is okay too. In this case, letting go may involve processing anger and grief about being mistreated and lacking the positive relationship that the person had hoped for.

It sounds like you are thinking forgiveness might be something you want to explore, is that right?

I am also interested to hear others' thoughts on this issue, thanks for starting such an interesting conversation @Chris!

Take care,

Shimmer

Hi @Chris

I agree with what @Former-Member and @Shimmer have said and maybe I have a little to add

First - what is forgiveness - as a person who believes - this has been an exercise - but I see it this way - my mother who was abusive and has now died - and my sister - who is toxic - and still in the picture - are or have been carting around a lot of bitterness and hurt themselves - and while this does not excuse their behaviour - I don't want it in my life - and I have no feelings of guilt or regret that I have stayed away from the family

And you are right - if you hate yourself you are not ready to love anyone else - that is so hard - and a harsh thing to say - I know - but we have to find a way to forgive ourselves

For what? you ask

Well - whatever happened we were part of the picture - we played a role in the family drama - and most likely - we didn't cause it

So first - we have to forgive ourselves for something we never did - how can we be guilty if we never did it

Your mother's voice will always been there - part of the script - we heard it first in utero - and ever since - and it is the hardest voice to turn off - esp if life has been harsh with damage done physically and emotionally

And it is a good idea to keep away from toxic people -

And I can't possibly know you - but you need to know yourself - and writing here and reading here is one place to start

All the best and post - it's amazing how much better I have been since I came here just a few months ago

Decadian

Hi @Chris,

I too, have spent a lot of time trying to forgive the people in my life who have hurt me. It has taken me a very long time! I think @Former-Member makes a good point with the words "you are not letting that person off the hook... you are putting them on God's hook."

By forgiving someone you are not condoning what they did. You are simply signifying to yourself and the universe that you are prepared to let the situation rest. You are done with it.

I do believe that you can begin to move on with your life without forgiving others.... by concentrating on yourself, the things and people that you love and being very kind to yourself.

With the loving kindness meditation (which I have done myself) - maybe concentrate on sending loving feelings to someone you actually like/love first. This could even be a beloved pet, if you can not think of anyone you like! Then practice sending love towards yourself.

Maybe think of some things you could do in your life to show how much you are capable of caring for yourself, like taking a long, luxurious bath or buying yourself some pretty flowers. How about going for a relaxation massage? If you can do some positive things of a practical nature for yourself then it shows that you are able to really love yourself.

Hi @BlueBells,

how are you doing? Love to hear what is happening in your life right now! xx

Hi @Chris

I did the exact thing - had to listen to a loving kindness meditation on youtube. I couldn't do it. I stopped it not long after I started. It was too confronting, too emotional.

I struggle with learning to forgive. I know I need to forgive myself, love myself, nurture myself - all that I still cannot do.

I am trying to see why and how my mother reacted and has behaved towards me after I told her I was sexually abused as a child. Her instant reaction was to yell at me, abuse me over the phone. We haven't spoken for almost 5 years. How do I forgive her? Well I have (with the help of my therapist) tried to see where she came from - her background, her upbringing and to see how difficult it was for her. I can see that now but it is still hard for me to forgive.

As for the abusers - well that is another very difficult one. One has passed away so he is gone; the other two are still around. And I pray to God that one day they will have their time of pain and hurt. And I will leave that up to Him.

You're right, it is going to take a long time and for me I am the same. Long journey of recovery, forgiveness and peace and a better health physically and mentally.

Wishing you all the best