Flip of the BP switch

Thanks @Kurra

My psychiatrist has been seeing me for a long time, and he can't figure out if it's BP2 or major depression. I'm getting a second opinion on his advice. Mostly it's dreadful depression. My highs never really go too high. Sometimes I wish they would. They just get like "normal people" high. I do like to stay up late, but I have been a night owl my whole life. I take a sleeping pill so that I sleep consistently and go to bed on time. I've also been on a mood stabilizer for over a year. Who knows? I'm really sick of being so inconsistent because it costs me friends, jobs, reputation, etc. I'm way unreliable, and that makes me awkward around people because I feel like I have to explain myself. Thanks for your encouragement. I'll try to stay focused on not overdoing it.

Thanks, @believeinme

Hi @believeinme

I'm glad to hear that your functioning has improved so much, I hope it continues that way!

You're certainly not the only one who has felt grief about lost time due to mental illness. Processing this grief is often a part of recovery. Fearing a relapse and needing to rebuild trust in yourself are also common. Are there some times at the moment when you do feel a bit more confident in yourself? If so, what are they like?

Finding work sounds like a key aim for you in getting back on track. Finding a job with a good environment is a great priority to have. Have you thought about how you might approach this?

Take care,

Shimmer

@believeinme, it is always such a relief when I bounce into feeling 'good'. I live with BP2 and rapid cycle most of the time interspersed with long periods of depressive.

You say you started treatment for BP2 - is this a new medication? Some medications I have been prescribed actually FLICK THE SWITCH into hypomania. I FEEL great, and stil anxious that the depressive time will resurfcae, I like you also regreta nd grieve the long period of what I judge/perceive to be 'wasted' time being depressed. And, also just like you, have an anxiety that the SWITCH WILL FLICK again and I will spiral (or just fall straight) down into depressive period again.

I am a bit concerned that you are cycling into hypomania, these things you say are clues...

The run of excitment at being able to...
"...stay up all day, catch up with friends, exercise, laugh, feel things, care, etc. I can heroically brush my teeth AND get dressed at olympic-breaking speeds."

" I feel driven to do something"

I do not want to burst your bubble by saying this, and I am also just being cautious, if you are feeling 'driven' (could that be compulsion?) and if you are talking faster, thinking faster, leaping on new ideas and wanting to RUN with it at 100 miles an hour etc... these may (and only MAY) be indications your new treatment has flicked the switch to hypomania.

As this is basically my life, the cycling, the being desparate, or numb, and sucicidal not being able to do much at all, and wandering about locked up inside myself - THEN by medication or just some brain-switch I am feeling GREAT and full of plans and needing to accomplish as much as I can while I feel good... So I ramp myself higher by throwing myself into the New Me and possibilities...

I hate that, I hate that I cannot just get to feeeeeel good, with hope and purpose without it (potentially at any time) being my brain biochemicals reordering and overcompensating - particularly when I am feeling good and hopeful.

So, I certainly do not want to rain on your parade at all, just wonder if you can check in with yourself and keep an eye on the upness, keep an eye on, as you are trying to put new things in place, whether you start to feel frustrated and irritated that the things you are doing seem to take everyone else an age to catch up with, or skeptisism from family and friends irritates you, for me irritiation comes crashing through the door fairly quickly if I am hypomanic, any thwarting of my forward movement at 100 miles an hour becomes intolerable.

Check in with yourself often, and watch what happens 40 minutes to an hour after taking medication (if this new treatment is medication), do you start the day with slugs-in-the-brain and then within a half hour to an hour or so after the medication ZING into overdrive? If so the medications might be ramping your brain chemicals too much. The things we put into place when we are hypomanic are often not sustainable when we zag back to a quieter state and end up being huge stressors trying to maintain, because no one wants to be seen to 'fail'. I regularly bite off more than I can chew in hypomania and then spend months stressing trying to keep it going.

@MoonGal, thanks so much for your insight. It is probably the most helpful info I have received from anyone, including my doctor.

I was being sarcastic about getting dressed at olympic breaking speeds, but my speed is a stark contrast against my depressed self. My depressed self takes hours to get dressed, and that's about all I accomplish all day. My current self and normal me can and needs to multi-task for periods of time. I unload the dishwasher, cook, clean the fridge, take care of my child, use my phone and do laundry in a perfectly efficient and timed rhythm. A second is not wasted. As I write this, I think you are right.

So, I'm on a new, funky-diet-required MAOI med that has to be refrigerated. I've been on it before,and I think it's a a pure anti-depressant. It's brilliant. I generally feel horrible in the morning, and once I take it and have a cup of coffee, I feel like a legit human. I've also been on a med designed just for BP2, but it made me so sleepy that I could only wake for 6 hours a day, even after I had been on it for months. It didn't improve my mood or depression. Before those two, I've been on a dozen or two different anti-depressants.

As for irritibility, I felt it last night when my efficiently laid out bedtime routine for my child was twarted by my husband's lack of support. My feelings were real, rigid and intense. I had to take a time out. *sigh*

What does this mean for me? I'm talking to my doctor tomorrow, and I'll mention this stuff. I love this new drug (which I had in the past a year ago before I crashed), and I don't want to go off of it.

The main questions I have now are related to my abilities. I was great in uni because I always scheduled my first class at 11:00 AM or later. I worked in spurts in the middle of the night and the waitress/caring jobs seemed to work great for me because I could work from 4PM-late. My current life can't be scheduled like that. So how do I get a 9-5 job again?

I know I have the skills/education to get a professional role when I'm up, but when I'm really down I don't function. What's the middle zone? I need my brain stimulated and to be in a supportive work environment. I want to be paid what I know I can earn. I may not be making any sense right now. I guess, if what I'm experiencing is "high" (and I know what low is), how do I find a middle? I feel like I am at middle. I may have never experienced a middle...?

I feel like such a fake constantly though because when I'm up I can be a rocket scientist, but when I'm down rolling over in bed takes an hour of self-motivation. Most employers don't accomodate that. My last real role was gutwrenching to leave because I was mostly "up" for a year before I went down and had time off. They did some tricky HR stuff when I was extremely down so I resigned. My life has been in tatters since. I left that job utterly broken.

Oh I am so glad it helped, you know whenever (and I mean everytime) I share here with my story, or perspective I roil with anxiety that I will be mis-understood, so very glad it helped.

I fell off the ability to work wagon permanently, I just broke. I started the process of total and permanent disability then I got a call from a person I sued to work with - he had his own comapny and knew me and my skill set really well. He wanted me to come work for him only FIVE hours in office per week, the rest from home - writing standard operating procedures, and supporting his clients on the phone and online troubleshooting and generally assisting customers, it would have been the perfecto job for me, but because I had started the insurance claim I had to say no. 😞 Flexible hours too.

Don;t give up on finding that right job @believeinme - I wonder if a part time position somewhere that is really flexible might be 'out there' somewhere?

As to what is middle? You might be asking the wrong gal - I don't do "middle"...

You may be middle now, only you are going to know that really, best way of knowing that is assessing what down and up is. My UPS are usually evidenced by not sleeping enough (get to sleep but wake up early all fired on) not wanting to eat much, feeling GREAT - but that is soon overtaken by frazzled and a raw nerve ending.

Oh I am so glad it helped, you know whenever (and I mean everytime) I share here with my story, or perspective I roil with anxiety that I will be mis-understood, so very glad it helped.

I fell off the ability to work wagon permanently, I just broke. I started the process of total and permanent disability then I got a call from a person I used to work with - he had his own comapny and knew me and my skill set really well. He wanted me to come work for him only FIVE hours in office per week, the rest from home - writing standard operating procedures, and supporting his clients on the phone and online troubleshooting and generally assisting customers, it would have been the perfecto job for me, but because I had started the insurance claim I had to say no. 😞 Flexible hours too.

Don;t give up on finding that right job @believeinme - I wonder if a part time position somewhere that is really flexible might be 'out there' somewhere?

As to what is middle? You might be asking the wrong gal - I don't do "middle"...

You may be middle now, only you are going to know that really, best way of knowing that is assessing what down and up is. My UPS are usually evidenced by not sleeping enough (get to sleep but wake up early all fired on) not wanting to eat much, feeling GREAT - but that is soon overtaken by frazzled and a raw nerve ending.

Thanks, @MoonGal. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm applying for a job today that really interests me, but it is full-time. I know that I can't manage working those sort of hours. I'm still applying though in the hopes that I don't really have a serious mental illness and can just fake it 'til I make it. I spend a lot of my good times in denial (or grieving) my bad times. My memory sucks these days and is all scrambled. I'm not sure how much of that I can blame on ECT and how much is my brain just conveniently forgetting the pain.

May I ask what's the deal with insurance? I don't think I have any insurance, but if I did ever lose the ability to work I need to know that I'm not going to be a sponge off of the people I love forever and ever. That's one of my biggest worries. Don't you have to prove that it's not a pre-existing condition before you can claim for insurance? Did you take out an independent policy or is this with super or something?

@believeinme - Hope your application is accepted! How exciting. For most of the 35+ years of my working life, I had no real or diagnosed idea I had an actual mental illness (es) just that i did life really tough. I was also very resilient so even when I fell off my life-wagon from time to time, I could bounce back. But then I sustained a serious back injury and developed chronic sensitised pain syndrome (of failed surgery syndrome) on top of chronic pelvic pain and fibromyalgia... Body Breakdown! Anyways - that was the straw that broke this Camel's back and I tried and tried to work after the back injury, would last about 6 weeks (casual/fulltime) but kept falling over mentally with the pain and strain and stress. In the end my partner said, stop, just stop - I will support you. So now I am a wife and look after her needs while she works full time to support us, she is 100% supportive of me and living with me is SO much easier since I stopped working because I am not a mega-stress=head anymore.

It is super claim via TPD insurance - sometimes when you commence work the super company provides (you might have had to tick a box) insurance that did NOT require the insured to declare pre-exisiting conditions, as is the case in my case. However you would need to read your Super statements and then download the PDS on the insurance if you have any - Mental Health may be an exclusion depending on the company.
It is a LONG shot that I will win though, it is also an incredibly HORRIBLE process to go through, doctors reports and other evidence has to be provided and if ONE box is not ticked they will hold up for months and months - it takes several years and they (may) employ surveillance to watch, record and photograph you. You have to be tough to get through it and then if they decline.... accept that or take them to court. Hard gig this one. Not for the feint hearted and definately get a lawyer to do the work if you do.

@believeinme - another thought - while it IS important to understand our mental health conditions, it is also very important to have hope and resilience and to TRY = to just try to be out there and do your very best. We will never acheive what we CAN acheive if we never put ourselves on-the-line and go for it.

Keep Starting! Give it a go, and if you fall over, accept that and try again because life is not easy for ANYBODY - even people who do not have MI. I have done some amazing things and held down some really top jobs for years and years because I GAVE IT A GO - and despite saying "I bit off more than I could chew" in fact I just chewed harder and faster and succeeded. So please, while thinking about what you might be ABLE to do - stretch yourself too, failure is guaranteed in life it is how we handle the failures that makes the mark of the person... Do your very best.