10 yrs anniversary of mental illness

Tomorrow marks 10 years of being diagnosed with depression, anxiety, cptsd, BPD and childhood abuse.

Reflecting back has brought many mixed thoughts and emotions. From fear, sadness, wanting to end my life, self harm and many other feelings and emotions.

the fear of telling my husband of my abuse and fear he would leave me

the fear of telling my parents and not believed

I often wonder why? Why did I remember after 30 years? I wonder how would I be if I didn't remember. How my life would have been.

i think I had to become resilient to survive. I had many times thoughts of going away, escaping the psin. End it all because it was all too much.

I think often why me? Ten years, a decade has already gone and I sometimes wonder how quick that time has gone.

it's triggering. Tomorrow is going to be a trigger. I know it will. I need to stsy busy. No why do I have to stay busy. Why can't i just sit with it. The feelings the thoughts whatever comes to mind.
do I wish things were different? Yes damn yes i wish things were different. But I can't chsnge people's behaviour thoughts and words. It hurts deeply. The pain is still with me.

10 years has passed and I can only hope and pray that the next 10 years are better.