how do I forgive my father the abuser

@CheerBear Hey CheerBear I had a great aunt who lived through germany during the war and in a concentration camp. Anyway once I was talking with her through her broken English and she said she had forgiven them, the German people, because she felt she had too. I was young and didnt understand what she meant but now I do. It is like I have to forgive my father even though he was so, so toxic to our family and to himself. If I dont forgive I will end up being as awful as he was at his worst.

There were no conversations with him as he was unapproachable. Everyone danced around him making sure all his needs were met so that we could have a quiet life. It came from life experience I suppose me being able to forgive my father. I cannot forget but I can forgive although sometimes the lines get blurred and anger and frustration take over of which I have to take a deep breath and calm down again.

I am so sorry you have had similar circumstances with one of your parents. Home should be a safe place. Not one where you are constantly walking on egg shells. I am so sorry about your ex I made a real effort to get a polar opposite to my father. Then he left me 23 years later for a work colleague when I was mentally ill .... go figure. peaxxx

@CheerBear xx

Hi @Bunniekins @CheerBear

I'm sorry you both were abused. hugs. I really like to know how to forgive the abusers. Out of my three abusers I am struggling to forgive my brother. It's really hard to know where to start.

I'm not religious @Bunniekins, my friends that are, believe their faith has saved them and keeps them alive.

But for me, the emotions of disgust, repulsion and appropriate anger, along with also having a clinical psychologist and a wonderful shrink (he is religious himself) that has told me he's actions are unforgivable & they will NEVER expect me or even talk to me about forgiveness, ever......has kept my sense of dignity and self respect alive.

For me, they're not emotions that need getting rid of. They remind me that what he did was unforgivable and no, I am not completely worthless.

I'm not giving him the tiny bit of self respect I have left.

He tried to take everything else, and he won, but he won't win by taking my core or my dignity.

I understand how too much anger can increase your depression, and it most definitely can, and if forgiveness feels right for you inside and it evens out your health, that's great.

But for me it does the opposite. It feels icky and just plain wrong, right into the middle of my gut.

Just a different perspective I suppose.

The mermaids would be getting washed off the rocks today wouldn't they!

Corny

Interesting thread @Bunniekins I'm sorry for what you went through. Same for everyone sharing this sort of experience.

There are so many shades of grey here. I feel that it's not a simple path to closure/feeling ok.

I liked your example of finding some level of acceptance @CheerBear

That's sort of where I sit with two people. I don't think I can do any better/different to that and there are times that I also feel like you said @Corny - the deep yuck in the gut - about what they put me, and in one case, my kids through.

Hello @BlueBay hope you are travelling ok.

@Bunniekins You’re a very strong

person to be able to forgive. I can’t see myself ever being able to do that, just the thought makes me feel angry.

One of the group that assaulted me when I was 8 is a good friend to my oldest brother. I just recently found out that his marriage fell apart a few years ago, his wife and kids have moved on and he has been left a recluse suffering terrible depression - and I LOVE every part of that story - especially how much he is suffering.

Other members of that group I have discovered over the last few years have also had less than perfect lives, one only got married a few years ago and it’s likely they’ll never have children - thank god. And it makes me happy that the rest of the group haven’t led happy lives themselves.

My abuser at 10 also has a failed marriage and suffers from depression - no sympathy at all and I hope he suffers all the way to his grave.

The worst of my abusers, I’m not sure what his life was like when he left town and it all finally ended with me. I fantasise that his final years were painful, slow - agonising. All I know is that he died about 4 or 5 years later. There is no forgiveness in my heart for any of them.

I once heard forgiveness isn’t for the perpetrators, it’s for yourself, but I can’t see any good in it for me to forgive them.

@Razzle Hey Razzle sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you we had a black out which lasted most of the day and night. I am so sorry you have gone through so much pain. I can feel it through your words. You are right with your last sentence I am forgiving for myself because I am sick of feeling hatred. It doesnt bode well on the peas shoulders or heart. It actually makes me feel feel physically sick to be honest. Every one is different however and it has to come from the heart, forgiveness, and I learnt that from my great aunt. Take care. Love peaxxx

@BlueBay Oh BlueBay I hear the pain in your words and it brings a tear to my eye. Your own sibling being a abuser is so hard to come to terms with .... I can only talk about my own experience with my father and that is I have done it for myself as I am sick of feeling hatred. Doesnt mean I forget just makes the pain easier to live with.. Gentle hugs my friend, gentle hugs. Love peaxxx