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Highly functional, highly distressed

Doc_GonzoSenior Contributor23 June 2016, 10:19 pm AEST

Highly functional, highly distressed

Does anyone else live with this?

I study at uni part time, I work two jobs part time and am very successful at both and at the same time live with dissociation and manic and psychotic like symptoms. I have extraordinary amounts of energy at the moment and suffer from what I describe as disturbances. I have been hospitalised numerous times for psychosis and mania in the past and I have lived with the impact of complex trauma for more than 20 years. I have a long history with self harm and have many scars over my thighs and arms ( I haven't self harmed in many months :), so don't panic, that is under control)

I am very independent, I have had to be physically, financially and emotionally as I don't have anyone outside of my therapists office to offer valid genuine support. I am long term single, with almost no social life and in spite of all of this I manage to forge ahead. I always seem to bury myself in professional endeavours to the point of becoming nothing but a worker. I do have someone outside of my psychologist that is a good support, however they are also my boss and I fear for my job if I am too honest (not a fear of losing it, he would never ever stoop to that level, but the fear of people seeing my non-professional personality)

My mask and my shroud cover so much pain, grief and loss. People can see that I am struggling in some ways but I have suffered so much invalidation from people that I am unwilling to tell them how hard I find life. At the moment all I want to do is what I do best and just quit everything and dissappear off the radar (as in shut down and hide).

If I do talk to people then generally all I am met with is " but look at how much you have achieved" or " but you are doing so well" or " look at how far you have come".

I used to abuse pharmaceuticals to the point of pushing past LD50 on a range of substances as well as many other types of drugs. I used to drink almost a litre of alcohol everyday. I used to be hospitalised (psychiatric) 2-3 times per year. It has been 10 years since I sobered up. and about 5 years since my last hospitalisation.

I live with body dismorphia and sever body image issues. Despite everything I do, I rarely feel anything but worthless.

I don't know what I wanted from this post, I guess I just wanted to put something out into the world that wasn't just me putting my mask and shroud on display.

16 replies

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In response to: Highly functional, highly distressed

Doc_GonzoSenior Contributor25 June 2016, 5:12 pm AEST

Re: Highly functional, highly distressed

@Mazarita Never say never. I used to be a total shut in living on a DSP. 10 years later and I have nearly finished my first uni degree and work two jobs. If you asked me ten years ago what I would be doing now I probably would have said that I would be dead.

The 'golden carrot' metaphor refers more to being told to try new things and when I do and they don't quite work out the way I want, then the response is, well try some other things, and I do. And repeat, and repeat and repeat. Almost as if they are dangling a carrot in front of my face and if i just do this one more thing then I can have it. (I hope that makes sense). My biggest dissapointment is realising that for a while i was doing things for the sake of doing them or because it was expected of me. thankfully I have been working on this and funneling my endeavours towards my goals and not the goals of others. Another aspect of this has been my expectations. I have gone into things with certain expectations and rarely have they come close. My psychologist has been very good at helping me to understand that while many of my endeavours have not lived up to my expectations, they have provided me with a lot of other postitive things that I have been overlooking.

Perfectionism has always been a problem for me and like many things I am slowly winding it back.

Thank you for sharing

In response to: Highly functional, highly distressed

SaharaSenior Contributor25 June 2016, 5:59 pm AEST

Re: Highly functional, highly distressed

@Doc_Gonzo wrote:

Monstrous changes, huge positive benefits in many ways, but all I have is a two selves. Professional self (visible), which most people see and then my emotional self (invisible). I am well known for my sense of humour, my intellect, my passion, the fact that I am unashamed of being an 'emotional' male. Yet there is still a whole other world that people have not seen. The lack of support available to help me undo these whopping great boundaries around me is infuriating.
.......

I seem to only attract people who want help, I worked on assertiveness and boundaries to stop myself from damaging myself in the pursuit of others happiness and that has helped, but now I feel like perhaps this is all I am good for. I describe myself as a tissue box (not to people, just a little metaphor I use to describe my problems with relationships), wipe your nose and me and throw me away.
If i set boundaries or refuse to help people, then I end up being the biggest arsehole on the face of the planet and so I withdraw and dissappear.

But still I work on changing beliefs, behaviours, knowledge and attitude. I just want to know when it will feel like it has been worth it!

Hi @Doc_Gonzo,

I wonder if the therapist you saw and liked could recommend a free counselling service for you to attend? I know such services exist as I used to attend one myself and found it very good. Other people who have been posting on another mental health forum that I used to frequent have also mentioned these services.

They may not be as great as the therapist you are used to, but they might still be very worthwhile and carry you through until you can have your next free 10 sessions. I know this is not ideal. I guess you have to call in all the resources you can!

Another thing you might like to try is a support group for mental health sufferers, which should also be free or else a gold coin donation or something like that. Or maybe start up you own support group? You seem so motivated.

I can totally relate to being a very sensitive person who ends up being made use of by others to listen to all their problems. This has happened to me many times.

Try not to retreat totally from the person who is bothering you next time you try to set some boundaries. You are not an arsehole! That is just people reacting to you with anger because you have refused to meet their every demand. They will soon come to their senses and realise that they over-stepped some boundaries.

In response to: Highly functional, highly distressed

MoonGalSenior Contributor25 June 2016, 7:01 pm AEST

Re: Highly functional, highly distressed

hey @Doc_Gonzo, i get it. The levels of stress and anxiety and mini-breaks I used to live with when doing my paid job really well was interanlly crippling. Glad you are here and hope you find, support, strength, focus and just camraderie amogst this wonderful online community of good folkses. ❤️

In response to: Re: Highly functional, highly distressed

AppleblossomSenior Contributor27 June 2016, 4:03 am AEST

Re: Highly functional, highly distressed

The "not retreating totally" when people dont initially accept our boundaries is GREAT advice. For me .. lol

Still struggling with setting those boundaries ... am more of a merger ... but then that might disrupt others' sense of self so fair is fair ...

Sometimes friendship is better than romance ... just a thought ...

In response to: Re: Highly functional, highly distressed

SaharaSenior Contributor27 June 2016, 8:01 am AEST

Re: Highly functional, highly distressed

@Appleblossom wrote:
The "not retreating totally" when people dont initially accept our boundaries is GREAT advice. For me .. lol
Still struggling with setting those boundaries ... am more of a merger ... but then that might disrupt others' sense of self so fair is fair ...
Sometimes friendship is better than romance ... just a thought ...

Hi @Appleblossom,

the "not retreating totally" thing is easier said than done. I find people who only want to use me as a shoulder to cry on to be exhausting! In the past I have got myself into a lot of emotional turmoil with these kind of people. I have been left feeling very unhappy and neglected when they dismiss my problems... after I have spent hours listening to theirs!

Now I think I can integrate them into my life in small doses. I can practice setting boundaries with them. It doesn't always work out well. The thing is this; the more authentic you are with people, the more likely there will be some degree of conflict in your relationships with them. Conflict is not always a bad thing. It is a time of learning an important truth; this person is not me and I am not them. Their opinions are often not actually hurting me in any way.... they are just opinions.

That does not mean that you should then tolerate any form of abuse!! Verbal abuse is not on.

In response to: Re: Highly functional, highly distressed

Doc_GonzoSenior Contributor27 June 2016, 8:31 am AEST

Re: Highly functional, highly distressed

"the "not retreating totally" thing is easier said than done. I find people who only want to use me as a shoulder to cry on to be exhausting! In the past I have got myself into a lot of emotional turmoil with these kind of people. Smiley Wink I have been left feeling very unhappy and neglected when they dismiss my problems... after I have spent hours listening to theirs!"

I fell into a trap of trying to make everything work, relationships with my family and friends, in my mind if they didn't work it was my fault because I was 'obviously' doing something wrong. It took me a long time to realise that my problems with them were actually valid and that many many of the friendships and family relationships I was in didn't work, it was not because of what I wasn/t doing, but rather what they were doing (not always true, however for the most part yes)

I have limited contact with them and nowadays as a result of practicing boundaries and awareness, expectations etc, it may be limited but it is a lot healthier. And many peopole have been cut from my life for very good reasons. Where I struggle is in replacing them. (granted I am realising more and more this has to do with my lack of ability to reign in my expectations and just enjoy things for what they are. As in, my experiences/relationships may not be ideal, but they are better than they have been and they are still valuable to my life in some sense.

There is still this element of if I don't contact people I won't hear from them, which is very true.

There are two people where this is perfectly fine as that is the nature of our lives rather than our relationship. But the rest have been slowly phased out.

@Appleblossom. We all have inherent needs and my desire to be in a close romantic relationship is my deepest most unmet need (well being in close relationships full stop is the biggest group of unmet needs).

The desire to be loved (to even feel loved) is something that has not been much a part of my life. Not from family, not from friends. Not perceived! but actually lacking for most of my life including almost all of my adult life.

This is an inherent basic human need and when your life is devoid of it, you really do notice it!

The love of a close friend and romantic love are not the same thing.

It is not a case of either being better or worse than the other, friendship and romantic love are basic inherent needs and both are very important.

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