Borderline personality disorder

Hi @Allig a warm welcome to the Forums.

I am sorry to hear how strained things are with you and your daughter. It can be frustrating when the treating team don't want to hear from family. Family so often have valuable insights and contributions to make on behalf of their loved one. Yet it can interfere with the treating teams objectivity in getting to know their own client, and confidentiality can get murky. Understandably this probably makes you want to tear your hair out, but if you can - try not to take personally, this approach with families is typical for any adult client, so doctors tend to be very cut-and-dry about it.

We hosted a Topic Tuesday BPD last year, it was a very busy night. If you're interested, you can have a read through it here. Fellow member @BEN is caring for his wife with BPD. Likewise, @Amber1 is caring for her son with BPD. She has posted about her frustrations in dealing with him here. Feel free to jump in Ben or Amber1 with any suggestions you can offer Allig.

@Alligsounds like you don't have much support out there in the 'real world', but I hope you can find it here. Again, welcome - you are among friends 🙂

Hi Allig

I know how you are feeling and how absolutely hopeless you feel. My son lives with me, he doesn't want to but gambled all his money during an impulsive episode last year and can't afford to rent etc. It sucks you dry....but I have completed a 3 month Helping Minds course for carers/relatives of BPD sufferers. It has saved my sanity, I have learnt how validation, radical acceptance is the most important skill for those living with BPD sons/daughters. He has blamed me for everything over the years, wish I'd had help 12 years ago! I don't try to have a convesation any more...I wait for him to initiate. I don't get much help either and that is hard sometimes. You think they are being selfish but they are so taken up by their shame, guilt for the things they have done along the way. He used alcohol for comfort but the DBT is teaching him to self soothe and this has improved our relationship dramatically. As angry as I get when he shouts at me, breaks things and self harms, I acknowledge his pain and say 'I know how much you are hurting' and 'how hard this must be for you' etc. I have hugged him too, which does calm him down. He is very depressed but is not taking any antidepressants at the moment. He'll experience several mood swings in a short period of time and this tires him out especially at work. I let him just go to bed with his cuppa, hot water bottle and TV (his soothing pack) when he gets home from work and the home is fairly peaceful these days. Hang in there....you are definitley not alone!

Amber1

Your story is familiar to me. It is hard to work out a parent's role. Do we set boundaries which can be interpreted as pushing the offspring out of the nest, or do we provide a safe harbour to protect him/her from difficulties. Like you, I am feeling powerless and stress leaves me struggling to sleep as well as work to support all 4 adults at home. In my experience, practitioners who care professionally realise that holistic family/community support is critical to improving the client's life. Only once has a psychologist requested me come to discuss my help- possibly because so many relatives and friends are not able to manage such responsibilities . Lesson learned, nowadays I insist. This approach provides a potentially better environment and broadens the discussion to an unofficial mediator. It might give the treating psychologist greater insight into their client as well. Hope it helps knowing that i share some of your feelings and that we can share some reasons why strategies may have worked, and some have not.

Hi @denial

What a tough situation to be in! It's really hard when a loved one doesn't feel like they need help or are unwilling to get it.

Unfortunately in these situations we can only manage what we can control - which is ourselves.

It's great that you're connecting here and looking for solutions and assistence - that's a great step (particularly as you're finding you're not getting any support from your GP)

@Amber1 - it sounds like the Helping Minds course was really helpful - can you tell us a bit about it?

It sounds like the course gave you some strategies that maybe this member can benefit from.

hello @Former-Member

the last entery is from a new member in an old thread

could we have this moved to a new thread ??