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Sex & Dating after Abuse

LilKittenNew Contributor26 Jan 2020, 3:34 am AEDT

Sex & Dating after Abuse

Hi there,

I am so frustrated right now and I have so much to say, but I want to keep this simple, if I can.

There is a huge back story to my life, but not something I want to go into right now.

I have worked ultra hard for many years to get to where I am currently and mentally and to over come deep trauma and a list of mental illnesses.

I am now at the point where my psychologist has encouraged me to get back out there and to give dating a go.

I started a few months ago and I have been on two dates so far.

I want a partner to share my life with, I want to get married, I want my own family, I want some sort of normal life after all of this hell that I have endured and come through, but I need to get past the dating first and find someone.

I just find it very frustrating that 99% of the guys have sex on their mind constantly. That is a given right because they are guys? Yeah, we all know that...but for the love of god, it is impossible to have any conversation to get to know them without them constantly bringing up sex.

Yes I know sex is a normal part of life, but for someone that was sexually abused from a child till their late teen's, it is highly triggering for me and stirs up my PTSD horribly.

Maybe I am not ready to date again yet, but I feel that I am ready, and I want to. I don't think my complex PTSD will EVER leave me completely, it is something I have to fight through every day for the rest of my life and I will, so I don't want this to hold me back from what I want, and I won't let it, but it is very frustrating that all of this is stirring it up and there is nothing I can do about it.

I can not explain to some stranger about my past, how is that going to come off? That will scare anyone away. I keep it simple, but they tell me how very weird I am, and I find that so insulting that just because I am not going to jump into bed with them, that somehow I am strange, yet they have ZERO idea about what is really going on.

I just want to know how does anyone get past this to have a normal relationship??? I know it is possible, but I can't even get past point A.

I don't know how to even get past the frustration of it all.

3 replies

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In response to: Sex & Dating after Abuse

BunniekinsSenior Contributor26 Jan 2020, 4:22 am AEDT

Re: Sex & Dating after Abuse

@LilKitten Hi LilKitten and welcome to the forum :). I am of no help lol as I had a 23 year marriage end up with my ex leaving me when I was manic and severely mentally ill for one of his work coleagues.I have never trusted the oppsite sex realy due to past issues with my parents marriage. Toxic to say the least. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am happily single though and dont want any kind of relationship. Just giving you the heads up if you want to talk with someone directly put a @ in front of their name like I did for you and then they will be sent a notification of your post. Hope to see you around the forum. Love greenpeax

In response to: Sex & Dating after Abuse

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2020, 4:23 am AEDT

Re: Sex & Dating after Abuse

Hi there @LilKitten and welcome to the forum

I can certainly hear your frustration but also your hope for the future. You want what most want in life but your past is holding you back. That is quite understandable and not at all unusual.

In saying that I would also say that not all men have the one thing on their mind but finding those that will get to know you first is a minefield. You have only been on 2 dates so give it some time. If the guys you are seeing only have one thing on their mind then they are not the right person for you. In any relationship you should have good communication, shared goals and above all mutual respect and when you find that person they will not only wait for intimacy but not have it as their first thought.

You are certainly not weird in any way - you know what you want, what you can deal with right now and where you want to be in the future ...but breaking down some of the barriers that you have is hard and will take time. There is life after abuse but it has to be at your own pace and in your own time - utilise sessions with your psych to work through some of this more. Dating does not mean it has to lead anywhere ...a date can be just a date and if there are expectations from the guy you are seeing then they are probably not the one for you.

In response to: Sex & Dating after Abuse

CheerBearSenior Contributor26 Jan 2020, 7:18 am AEDT

Re: Sex & Dating after Abuse

Hi @LilKitten and welcome to forum.

I too have a history of abuse and live with the impact of that. It's very hard at times in lots of ways, dating and sex included. I didn't think I'd ever be able, ready or even wanting to be with someone again but it has happened. I'm not sure I want to spend my life with someone and I enjoy being single, but I do like the idea of having healthy relationships including healthy intimate relationships. It's been a very wonky process though.

It's helped me to meet and be people who get mental health stuff and how much it can mess with you. I haven't needed to explain or detail much about my past but have found it helpful to talk about the ways it might impact me in the now. Things like how I'm not comfortable (as in completely despise) big, busy, loud places I don't know. How it's hard to open up, to trust, to feel relaxed or let my guard down etc. When it's come to physical touch, sex and intimacy, being able to give the other person a heads up that I worry I might flip, or that I might need time, time-out, space etc has also been helpful. Learning how to say no has been a huge part of it all too. I wouldn't even try with someone who didn't welcome or accept those kinds of conversations or respect that it's how it is for me for now. I've found that when someone has been willing to listen and understand and share how they are too, I feel more comfortable which allows me to get through triggers and barriers easier which in turn makes me feel more comfortable.

It is great that you know what you want though I imagine how difficult it would be to have a picture of that but not be able to see yourself taking those steps in between. That sounds very frustrating. Are you able to talk with your psychologist about the things you experience when you think about or try dating again?

As cheesy as it sounds (and I can't believe I'm even typing this), living in and enjoying the present moment with someone is something I've needed to focus on doing. It's taken/is taking lots of effort but using all the strategies I have to stay in the moment has allowed me to not get taken away by past experiences or future thoughts.

I appreciate that you've posted here and opened up this discussion LilKitten. I think it's a super important conversation. You're definitely not alone or weird for feeling the way you are or experiencing what you do. Keep talking if it helps.

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