Nobody noticed I was late to the party

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@500bluebirds wrote:

(@Sahara, I'm hoping that the following provides a bit of insight into the “type” of invisibility and clears some things up)

What does bother me is the behaviour and/or attitude of others that make them think they can treat people however they want. Yes, people have the freedom to like and dislike, and there's no rule that states that everyone has to be chummy or “notice” someone just for the sake of noticing (that is usually linked with attention seeking or narcissist behaviour, or comparing oneself with others)..

I'll give some examples that both my mother and I have had to deal with every day and every time we leave the house, over many years.

1. Simply asking someone a question.. people will very often just flat out ignore us, or if we're in company, they will always direct their answer at someone else (without looking at us or acknowledging that we asked them a question).

2. Supermarkets: people pushing past without a simple “'scuse please”, being literally run over (on purpose and accident but with no apology or looking like they care), pushed out of the way, lots of staff around + just me = no help or service (replace me or my mum with someone else, total change)

3. People playing sport: have had hard balls (basketball, football, etc) hit/kicked at my face (pretty sure it was on purpose). That group kept running after the ball as if I weren't there (note: police were around at the same time, they saw it and did nothing also)

4. Doctors over the years: ignoring obvious problems, dismissing my complaints/ailments, refusing to give me copies of tests or reports, refusing access to my medical history, ignoring the combined concerns of my mother and me

Hi @500bluebirds,

thanks for writing back and clarifying everything regarding the "invisibility" you are feeling. I hope you did not think I was being dismissive - I was trying to say that, yes, I feel it too at times but I think that it is fairly normal.

What you describe above is not normal, though! It is not right that someone can bump into you and no even offer a word of apology. It is very rude to do that, although it is not uncommon.

Some shop-keepers are very rude, too, and do not always answer your questions. When this happens, I always notice that they look angry/tired/busy and I think to myself "I'm just not going to get any help here" and I leave and go somewhere else.

Also, yes, I have had the experience where I have been playing sport and I thought that some of the other players were way too competitive to the point of being aggressive and using the ball as a weapon! Yes, it happens.

But what you are saying is that these types of things consistently happen to you and your Mum at a rate far higher than they happen to the average person? Well, it certainly is possible. It would be difficult to discover why this keeps happening, though. Do you and your Mum have any hunches?

I must admit that I am at a loss with this one! Sorry, @500bluebirds.

But thanks so much for your concern about my Dad. He is doing ok now. He has to have ongoing treatment but for now he is home from the hospital. I am staying over at his place a couple of nights a week to trouble-shoot any issues and to be his advocate at doctors appointments, etc. Thanks again. x

Hi again @500bluebirds,

your new G.P. sounds very good so far and I thinks it's wonderful that the people at the pharmacy were able to give you a good reference to this new G.P. They should have some "inside" knowledge about G.P's that would be useful, so let's hope they are right in this case.

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@500bluebirds,

"My new GP has asked me to sign a consent form so that they can request my information on my behalf.. I just hope it doesn't make things worse." (As you know) sometimes it can.

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@500bluebirds, the thing with requesting your previous records from a different G.P. should simply be a routine matter and should not cause any problems. Doctors do this kind of thing all the time when they get a new patient.

If your former G.P. did not release any information that was requested, then he/she would be hindering your future treatment and it would be negligent! In general, doctors fear possible litigation and will do all they can within their power to avoid getting into trouble with the medical board.

It is absolutely within their best interests to co-operate with the transfer of important information regarding patients, at all times.

I have no idea why your G.P. would not let you have access to your medical records in the past. It seems odd to me. I cannot understand it. Usually they want to do everything possible to help a patient and to be seen as competent and co-operative so as they do not receive any complaints.

Doctors generally live in extreme fear of a patient taking them to court and the damage this could to to their careers. Well, that is my experience, anyway.

But, yeah, some doctors are just hopeless.

I really do wish you all the best with your new G.P! Do not give up.... you deserve some answers.

Hello @500bluebirds I hope you and your mother are doing well.

I think there is a general reduction in manners or caring attitudes in today's society. Society is so fragmented and complex that people become a bit me me and only good to those in their in group.

My parents both had severe MI when I was a child. it meant they were not socially assertive and fairly despairing for themselves. My energy was largely devoted to making their life easier, but did not get recognition for it.

I had one experience, which was a little similar to your chemist experience. I burst into tears at a CES .. an old emplyment service. They took it as I was genuine in wanting a job and told me all about the public service and how to get in ... I was embarrassed then ... but it worked out for the best.

I was generally capable and can often manage when clear roles are defined, and went a long knowing that being useful was a good thing, but my real sense of invisibility was about who I was, what I felt and thought and looked like. I still have a lot of difficulty and my throat seizes up.

Things that have helped have been this forum where I have put my experiences on the line and received some acknowledgment. Singing in a choirs in last 7 years where my mind body and feelings can align.

I also really liked the anonymity of not being seen so I did not have to make an effort about how I looked. etc. Now when I "socialise" I make more of an effort about appearance, but am still ambivalent about that cos i believe it shouldnt make a difference .. but it does.

A lecturer in my counselling course .. suggested that vulnerability has an air that predatory people are very attuned to ... so they just sniff it out and go for it ...

Watching my son I was worried that his depressed body language made him a target ... that just added to his stress ... snowball effect... all we can do is our best.

regards Apple

Sorry I've been absent and sorta dropped off for a while there.. Thought I'd drop in while I'm feeling alright and do some catching up and updating..

So, here's an update of where things are at for me. I'll try and keep it short

After my breakdown in front of my pharmisist, I made an appointment with the GP they recommended. The new GP is wonderful and I think I can safely say that I'll be sticking with them from now on. I told my new GP of immediate concerns (just focusing on a couple at a time ). New GP took history from me and requested previous test results without the previous doctor's comments to make their own conclusions. Then, for the first time in 4 or 5 years, a doctor actually got up off their chair and examined me. The GP examined my swollen legs and ankles, looked at my history, and looked at all my previous tests and started talking about

• all of the things it could be related to
• different options and different roads to take
• how I felt about all the information, and
• about future plans and management of my "interesting and complex" condition (as they worded it haha)

The GP and I made plans for my other concerns, which will be monitored closely and regularly.. The GP also decided that, for the pain and oedema in my legs and ankles, we should take everything back to basics which just meant doing simple blood and urine tests. At the same time I had to do that, I also had to get an ultrasound of my kidneys (as swelling can be related to those organs). So, I had an ultrasound + further xrays of various parts and it's been discovered that I have a huge kidney stone and an infection (asymptomatic) and that I'll need an operation to remove the stone.

Antibiotics have been able to clear up the infection thankfully, but this will need to be monitored in the lead up to surgery (I was warned about sepsis). I was referred to hospital urology, more scans, and have been speaking with the nurse and surgeon (they're amazing). They showed me the scans and explained that half of one of my kidneys is scarred and not functioning (and has apparently been like that for years) and then they told me that they need to decide whether to just remove the stone or remove the whole kidney. I was sent off for further tests to determine individual function percentage of each kidney. Now I'm waiting on results and more phone calls from other specialists (from the same hospital) to work with my other troubles: like my severe sleep apnoea and the risks relating to the anaesthesia. The nurse is also taking anxiety and concerns seriously, an experience I've never had before. It's all so overwhelming.. but in a good sorta way. I've had more of a reaction to the people rather than my future. It's just such a huge thing, I don't think they fully understand. They had to keep asking me if I understood what they said because I took it so well.

I'm never going back to my previous GP or any of the machine-like specialists they sent me to. It's like I'm on another planet, or another world... full of so many compassionate wonderful people.

So, yeah, I'm feeling pretty good (considering)

Hi @ivana,

How are you fairing?

According to my last lot of bloods done in June, my B12 levels are normal. Further tests will be done in the next one or two months to monitor my iron and if it hasn't sorted itself out by then, the doc will probably send me to a haematologist again – I'm hoping more will be done to investigate, I'd rather not have to visit these specialists for an injection every 1-2 years 😕

The acne-like spread across my arms doesn't look as bad as the photos you linked to, although I have had something similar on the roof of my mouth – I always linked that with having a cold/flu bug though. I thought it might be an intolerance reaction or a dermatological thing, so I'm thinking that after I've gotten over the current hurdle, I'll look at visiting a dermatologist to address this issue. I've had it for 6 or 7 years now.

Hi @Sahara,

So sorry I took so long to reply, I've finally been able to collect myself enough to sit down and reply and catch up.

To touch base on the invisibility, I agree that it's extremely rude and maybe it has to do with people becoming more disconnected (from their feelings, from other human beings, etc etc)? I don't know. I've noticed this happening almost everywhere. I don't believe that my mother and I are special cases or that this type of behaviour happens more to us than the average person.. I can't vouch for everyone else, only the people I know and have come into contact with. We don't really have any hunches or clues as to why this happens (I saw the icebreaker question in the Welcome Wednesday post recently about choosing either invisibility or reading minds.. and the latter would be useful in some cases lol). From my own past experiences of being bullied and harrassed, ignored and isolated, it's most likely because we're “too nice” - I had no idea that was “reason enough” to bully or ignore someone. Who knows.. I can only hope that these people find that positive and human connection and feeling again. It'll make both parties happier. At the moment, things don't seem as bad - so I guess that's a good thing

I'm glad your dad is fairing okay now. I hope the treatment is helping to improve his condition, and gets him feeling more like himself again.

How about you? How are you going? Xx

Hi @Appleblossom,

How are you?

My mother and I are surviving haha. I'm doing alright at the moment, all things considered. I think it's because I have this feeling of security.. being in safe, capable, and compassionate hands – which is a really new and alien thing for me. It's overwhelming – but in a good way. My mother is doing well. She's had a bit of a rollercoaster ride herself this year. She's had a really solid calcium build up in her shoulder joint which had to be blasted. She had limited movement of her arm, swollen surroundings, and pain. So far, she's recovering well and has regained about 70% movement so that's a plus 🙂 Thank you for your concern. Not many people ask about my mother, so this really brings a huge smile to my face and brightens my day. She's such an enormous part of my life and she doesn't normally get acknowledged. Thanks again xxx

I totally agree with you that there is a decline in manners and caring attitudes in society. Everyone has become so disconnected and angry. I don't understand how it got to this point. As for the “me me” mentality, it seems that has set up shop in the minds of many people, and doesn't look like it wants to leave any time soon. I know it's not one of those things that suddenly pop up and spread like a virus, but my goodness it feels that way. Still, there are little glimmers of hope in the forms of selflessness and compassion here and there. The forums here are also a sanctuary, I feel.

You're spot on about the experiences we've both had. It is definitely super embarrassing (and a bit humiliating) at the time, but it's somehow all worked out in the end I can also identify with and relate to that feeling of being useful as a good thing (my throat seizes up too - that's how I deal with some of these things). I also don't like conflict. So, I guess half of my problem with invisibility is my own doing. Although I have tried a few times to say something but it falls on deaf ears. When I read your reply, I found myself linging over a certain word, and it just seemed to resonate with me. "Recognition". I started thinking that maybe it's the lack of recognition that gets to me.. I'm not sure yet? Maybe it's the lack of recognition as a person, as a living being taking up a little bit of space. Who knows. I thought it was interesting. The suggestion your lecturer made that "vulnerability has an air that predatory people are very attuned to" and "sniff out" has also been on my mind. It may very well be true - especially since I've felt this way pretty much my whole life so far. I haven't discussed this theory with my mother yet, so it would be interesting to see if she's felt this way as well, or if it's a totally different thing? Quite interesting!

I hope you and yours are doing well xx

All the very best,

BB

Hi @500bluebirds,

I am going ok and thanks so much for asking. It sounds like your new G.P. is really on the ball and I'm glad that you are now getting some answers about your health. What a difference a good doctor makes!

I agree with your comment that you might be "too nice" in the face of rude behavior, bullying,etc. It's always best to let the other person know that you do not accept or tolerate their unacceptable behavior - but it's easier said than done, I guess.

I tend to just walk away and move on. Ignor these people. Go elsewhere. Or if you have to tolerate it, make sure you don't take it personally.

I am so glad you found a better GP. I struggled for years to find one, then found one, then she moved on, was treated abominably by the next, then a better one arrived, etc ... and it went up and down like a yoyo.

I have had some in the community say that many male doctors are prejudiced against women's issues .. which were too complex ... glad you have company and a good relationship with your mum.

The continuity of having one sympathetic and capable GP for 7 years probably saved my son and my lives. Is outside of our control. We were lucky. In physical and mental health I wish they instigated longer terms for the workers ... then they would be able to actually do some healing as they get to know patients properly.

I still have not really had all my physical issues properly looked at in the way I know private health care in the United States managed things, but there is no point pushing .. I am in the public system here ...but had extras and my Osteopath also saved my life ... she still hasnt moved on thank god ... to some extent I do my own research and am responsible for my own health and wait for the doctors to ask the right questions. (Eg my neck and head pain... a rheumatologist ?? ) But the realities of how I got those issues freaks them out and they just ignore it, beyond xrays. I have only seen current GP once ... so it will take a while ...

Do you know what stressed your kidney so much .. have you been on meds for a long time ...??

take care @500bluebirds

It is important to hear the good news that you found people and that they are out there .. and we all need to keep looking and not give up hope.

but alerting others online about standards good and bad ... seems to help ..