Feeling depressed and depleted

@Littletink_ Hi Littletink 🙂 do you get enough time out as a carer? it is very important that you have time to yourself. To spoil yourself. You need time to be amongst other people .... friends etc. You must look after yourself as a carer. I think what you are saying is very normal. We are all only human after all. Take care. Love peaxxx

Hi @Bunniekins

Thank you for your reply. No I don't. We have been in each other's pockets ever since we got together. I am currently unwell at the moment myself, dealing with an undiagnosed illness, it has made me very depressed on top of already feeling depressed and I have been unable to go out and do much because of it 😞 My partner has Autism and MI along with a lot of past trauma. Most of the time I am thinking and making the decisions for two people and sometimes I just get very tired. Sometimes I just don't want to be 'in charge' of everything in our life. I do mostly everything and it gets hard carrying the load by yourself. She needs a lot of prompting and has trouble with decision making. Does anyone else care for someone with Autism on here? Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated. @Former-Member

@Shaz51

not sure if you remember me, hello 🙂

Hi @Littletink_

Yes I do remember you 😀.

When we are unwell things seem to be so much more of a burden and I find too that I have to ask Mr Darcy to do things that I would automatically do for him when he is unwell. @Sophie1 has recently been in this situation where she has had her own health issues as well as caring for her partner Ms S.

As @Bunniekins says, getting out and doing our own thing (or doing things together that are the things you enjoy vs doing things that your partner enjoys) that takes us out of the caring role and into the things that are done in as part of a relationship is often helpful. I also find the reverse applies, getting Mr D out the house to do things that he enjoys either with or without me (at times preferably the latter).

I did find at times (but not so much of late) that I needed to remind Mr D that as his beloved I expect to be treated in a way that is fitting of that and that there are things that differentiate an intimate relationship from a friendship. He is big on routine which includes doing some of the small things that are appreciated such as getting up before me, getting brekky ready including making the coffee, and I ensure he knows I appreciate it. He does not have an autism diagnosis but I did question it at one stage as some of his family members do.

Sadly a lot of MI is based around trauma, we had been married for over 30 years when I found out about the awful things that happened in his family when Mr Darcy was young.

In answer to your original question, I have not considered leaving Mr Darcy although at one stage when he was likely psychotic I did wonder if his illness would allow him to maintain our relationship. At times I have felt worn out and when he was in crisis and suicidal it was a very difficult period. I learned a great deal towards the end of this time, including the need for proper self care and how to respond to his condition, including accepting help when needed (and sometimes even when not needed).

@Littletink_ Hi Littletink.. my son has autism and my daughter has aspergers. It is very tough going I know first hand. I cant imagine being married or in a relationship with someone on the spectrum although I have always thought my ex could has a touch of autism here and there :).

ohhhh Yes I do remember you my @Littletink_

sending you lots of hugs xoxo

Hi @Littletink_

my partner of 20yrs ish (MsS) has Bipolar II, medication resistant depression and anxiety and complex trauma history ... she is on many meds, has constant medical complaints mostly migraines/headaches/neck aches and struggles to get out of bed most days ... altho she has a psychiatrist and now attends a day program for acceptance commitment therapy ... like you I am more or less the one in charge, working so we can survive and pay for medication and medical bills, making big decisions and also daily motivation for most everything most days ...!! ...!

so I totally get the 'over it' and 'burden' feelings you spoke about in your posts .. esp as I'm on constant pain myself at the moment post hip surgery and life isn't a breeze for me either ... happy to keep bouncing ideas and thoughts with you about this and other common stuff we may find in our experiences (such as living with someone who has had trauma in their past)

the overwhelmed feelings come in waves for me - self care is paramount - today I forced myself to go to the pool after work for a 20min swim - I felt much calmer and in control- I think swimming forces me to shut down from my devices, other people, listening (as I wear earplugs) and looking/reading ... a bit of sensory deprivation and endorphins combined seems to do wonders for me - I've only just noticed how powerful a swim can be to change my mood for the better ,.. is there something you do that you notice makes you feel better afterwards mood wise ?

Hi everyone, thank you so much for the replies. It is nice to talk to people again. I will get around to my replies but just wanted to ask @Bunniekins while I think of it may I ask the ages of your children? My partner is 23 and I do really tend to struggle with having to do everything for her and for us eg housework, paying bills, organising mostly everything in our life. It has been hard and I still sometimes struggle with the fact that I have to give her simple instructions on how to do things even basic things like cleaning a shower. I know that must sound terrible but I don't know how to help her to become more independent & to have a bit more initiative without actually giving instructions on how to do so. I must sound awfully selfish but sometimes I get tired and my fuse shortens a little. I often forget that I am communicating with someone who communicates entirely different to me and things get all muddled up. Do you have any experience or thoughts on these kinds of things?

Hi @Sophie1

Goodness, our partners sound rather similar. My partner has BP2 as well.

Yes, I am in charge too but have days where I just don't want to be in charge anymore I get so frustrated and tired. But I'm starting to learn that I can't force her to make positive changes for herself she has to want to make them. My self care is pretty non existent at the moment. I haven't been able to do a lot because I've been having trouble with my mobility but they don't know what is wrong yet. So it's been stressful to say the least. It has made my depression worse and caring for my partner much more difficult. I'm sorry to hear about your hip, I hope that it won't be too long of a recovery process for you. That would be super hard too! I have been thinking about starting swimming or some gentle yoga it's just a matter of pushing myself to go. My loss of mobility, pain and weakness has made me really depressed and want to do nothing at all 😞 I'm only 28 and I don't know what's happening to my body it's been scary

Hi @Littletink_ son2 is 26 and daughter is 24 and yes I ahve to do many things for both of them. For example daughter hates using the phone so I make all her calls for her and take all her calls. It is a little thing but I have schizoaffective disorder and get very stressed talking on the phone too . These little things accumulate throughout the day so I take lots of cat naps to de-stress.

@Littletink_ I am wondering if you (and your partner) would benefit from the support of an autism association group. I believe there are family sessions available that may help you learn to better manage the things your partner can do without feeling like you are their parent. Does your partner would qualify for NDIS? Getting in some outside help may also take the pressure off you.

Perhaps having a daily schedule of things your partner can do for each day of the week which will give them some responsibility and a feeling that they are not entirely worthless - Mr D likes routine and will always wash our sheets on a Monday, if it is raining he puts them in the electric dryer (vs putting on another set of linen on the bed and waiting for a fine day to wash them and use our 'solar dryer').

I firmly believe that when our loved ones are not acute, that they need to be able to do what they are functionally able to do around the home. I don't like to use the MH term "enabling" in relation to bipolar ii as such, anxiety, depression etc can be at times be very disabling symptoms and are not "bad behaviour". However, I do believe at times that we can contribute to learned helplessness and at times (read: often) do far too much for our partners when it is not necessary for us to do so. We can at times let their disorder be an excuse for not doing things.

Of course this is put very simply and the reality is more complicated than that, especially when they are acute, Dr Candida Fink, a pdoc puts it "Mental illness breaks many things in someone’s life. Sometimes resources for even basic life needs are eroded—personal finances, occupation, education, nutrition, hygiene, sleep. The idea that just letting someone struggle until they “figure it out” is profoundly ineffective, not to mention mean-spirited."