Exhausted, Alone and ready to break.

hello @Nebulana and welcome

your situation sounds extremely challanging and im sorry that its having such and impact on you, your partner and your child as well. your family unit really should feel safe being at home.

I wondered if you could speak to your ex when hes in an ok mood and suggest he get some help. doesnt have to be mental health help to start with it could be applying for centrelink so that he has his own money and could also contribute to your household expenses. They may even be of help getting him into his own housing with rent assitance for private or help get into government/social sort of housing.

im aware of the challanges he may face as i have bpd myself but perhaps he will listen and seek further help if you mention him moving into his own house?

As for your own mental health, those waitlists can be ridiculous cant they! maybe it would be worth ringing around to some other people (ie psychologists) and see if they have any appointments that arent so far away?

your also welcome to contact the sane helpline either on the phone or through webchat if you feel you need extra support too.

@Determined i think also cares for someone with BPD and may be able to offer some perspective too.

Please feel free to join in where you like such as Hot Chocolate Anyone ? where many carers share a social cup of coffee and a light hearted chat. A forum tip also is to put an @ before a members name and itll tag them for you

@outlander thanks for replying so fast!

Not something I'm used to haha!

The trouble I'm having with that is everytime I bring up some kind of independence or steps to take during good moods, it either triggers an episode and he becomes abusive or he says it's my responsibility as a carer.

He's refuses to spend time in the hospital or ring centrelink to even nominate me to do it for him. I want to able to sit with him through the whole thing because I know it's anxiety inducing but I have other things I actually need to prioritise (my daughter/my own health). That's persistently perceived as abandonment and drop and launch support etc (he reads a lot).

Yeah the wait lists are crazy but the system can only do what it can so I don't expect to be treated any differently to anyone else.

Thanks for the warm welcome and all the pointers, honestly already feels more supported!

hey @Nebulana

that is really difficult having all the blame put onto you when its not your fault. Just cause your a carer doesn't mean you have to or should be doing it all.

Would you be able to maybe speak with a social worker and express your concerns about him and his welfare and with your family's they can often help in these circumstances and seems to already be affecting your relationships with your daughter and your partner too.


I wonder if @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Sophia1 @Sophie1 @Shaz51 @Smc @Owlunar may be able to offer some advice too

Hi @Nebulana

And thanks @outlander for tagging me

Nebulana - I will have to think more about your situation but yes - I do know what it's like living with someone with BPD - it was my son - and you do need to put your daughter and yourself before him - your child is first and you need to be in good condition to care for her - and yourself of course

And this is a knotty problem

Basically - your ex needs to get himself together and this will be hard for him to do. I people with BPD have a lot of trouble controlling their emotions and their behaviour - this makes some things impossible. It's really difficult for you. But he can only be treated with something called Tough Love.

In the past when I needed help I would get on the phone and start making calls until I could find my son somewhere else to live and other help. I would get one number and then another number until I got somewhere. My mother wondered how I found this help and then guessed it was because I had to. Pretty much the truth. I never worried at the time about other people - I was young myself and inexperienced - but I truly do know how hard it is to live with some people with BPD and you do to

Luckily not everyone with this disorder are so hard to live with - some do a lot to help themselves but obviously your ex has no idea - I am so sorry for that

But he is your ex - I wonder if you are really responsible for him now. He is an adult after all - and without any income he is imposing himself on you and yours - your current relationship is important too

I hear you - I understand - it is a nightmare for you and you certainly don't need it. You really do need to keep your head above water.

People here really care for each other and my suggestion is that whatever is happening you keep posting here - we can't actually do anything to help you but we will support you in any way we can

Dec

Hi @Nebulana

welcome to the forum - it is a great place to come and be heard and to get some different points of view

I have a partner with bipolar II and medication resistant major depression and anxiety and a mother with undiagnosed BPD.

Wow you have a lot to deal with and I'm super glad you have reached out for some support - these forums contain many people living with mental health issues and caring for those with complex mental health problems ...

I am a bit tired now so can't write much at the moment but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone and there are thousands of us in carer roles .. I've been a carer for my partner for over 20 years now and it truly never ends ... it just changes and we become a bit wiser and obtain more education and help along the way .. and also learn how to stay strong ourselves and not let our carees drain us totally ..

Your situation sounds complicated and volatile ... . keep asking for help and maybe something someone says will resonate and help you make the next decision or just get through the next day !

take care and keep letting us know how you are travelling - in my toughest times this forum has often been the most helpful - pls keep posting we r listening x

Hi and can I just say I am right there with you on the the total exhaustion, confusion and all round pain you're in, so please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. I'm going to be blunt as ask why is your ex living with you and why is he your responsibility? The arrangement is clearly impacting on your health and your new relationship, your daughter has to stay elsewhere, your life is on hold and seems to be going backwards - for your ex partner? I can understand being supportive of someone you had a relationship with and have a child with but where is the boundary? I honestly don't say this with any bad feelings intended, I'm honestly confused. I have bipolar 1 myself and am not in the best of places, I am told daily that I should ditch my partner of two years because of the behaviours his schizophrenia brings and I am sick of repeating that I won't kick him out because I love him so trust me, I know how it feels to have people ask. Boundaries need to be made and enforced and it appears there is none?