Eating disorder and more - need a shoulder ......

Yes you're right @Faith-and-Hope you didn't technically 'leave him' as such, but you didn't beg for him to come back, and you didn't turn your back on yourself, you kept your dignity. Her behaviour says a lot. She doesn't have to say any words, it's her behaviour that tells you all that you need to know. She doens't sound like a co-dependent at all. If she is a gold-digger like people in your community are saying, well sucked in mate that's your problem, good luck with that! I am surprised he fell for that. Usually it is people from old money that have long forgotten or never experienced life plunging you into a very different financial position that fall for gold diggers and con-artists. People from new money are more cautious because they remember how quickly life can change if just 1 or 2 variables flip.

She sounds shallow and small minded. My friend told me of a women she knows that faked being a lesbian believing the person she was with was cashed up to the hills, but she ended up leaving her female partner when she found a man with even more money and he bought her a sports car! How is it even possible to lie about your sexuality for personal gain....it happens a lot, it's just another type of con-artist, the faking sexuality thing has no significance, its the motivation for money and status that drives it.

It would be devastating to realise that after more than 30 years he doesn't respect you. How patronising his behaviour has been. To replace you like he replaces an appliance and expect you to be obedient. It is gross on so many levels. What a relief you don't have to grow old with him.

Yes we hope to have memorials for Mum when restrictions lift. Cooking the meals Mum cooked does bring comfort. My besties sent me beautiful candle I will light for her. We were such different people. She didn't understand me and I didn't understand her. I think she wondered where on earth I came from judging by some of the things she'd say and the constant, "when are you going to get a boyfriend/husband' questions.

I am having sensory memories of our relationship as I start to grieve. When my father died Mum would cling and hold onto me so tight. She'd wrap her arms around me not in an embrace or cuddle, but like we were stuck in a raging river, heading closer and closer towards the cliff edge of the waterfall in our hometown and she was relying on me to keep her above water, or I was her safety raft. It reminded me of the physical sensations of when my niece was a little girl and she'd cling to me in the same way, but it was my Mum. I tired my best to hold her up and not let her drown, but I wasn't strong enough in the end. I just try to tell myself I did my best. To hold space for my 5 year old self and also save Mum was a big ask. I hope she knew I tried my best. Corny

You know you tried your best @Corny, and that's what really matters. No five year old should be made to feel that they are their parent's rescuer, or only hope, but if she were a co-dependent then you can understand as an adult that she didn't know how to be responsible in that way. Thankfully she was responsible about feeding and clothing you, which are the base levels of supporting a child, and it is good that you can counsel your five year old self about being compassionate towards her for tgat, but also compassionate to your inner child about what she should not have been subject to and made to bear ...... hugs n hugs Hon. It's a terrible legacy, but this is the age of speaking out about it and helping to protect other children from these outcomes. You are honouring your five year old self by doing so ...... ❤️

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope my sibs and I have never really had age appropriate responsibilities or expectations placed on us. Our father's personality demanded he got his way at all times, and everyone else was expected to fall into line or we were threatened constantly or he simply became aggressive and violent. It's human instinct to flee from agression and violence so no one stuck around and that made us very socially isolated as a family. He was a very weak person.

I do my best to stick up for children where I can. It always shocks me to see people not even give a single thought to children, they are so selfish and self absorbed and in all honesty should never have had kids.

I hope that lock down isn't too hard going for you. Melbourne has had a shocker with all the lock downs, Corny

I have a home studio @Corny ..... 👍😊

So happy that you have a space to express yourself, that is your private space and not ruined by your ex-husband @Faith-and-Hope .

https://twitter.com/WoofWoof_TV/status/1426961177247195143

🤗 @Corny .... that's gorgeous.

@Faith-and-Hope

https://twitter.com/favcorgi_usa/status/1428335381217366018

😊 @Corny .....

Hi @Corny

It was my pleasure - it’s so lovely to hear from you

Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story with me

As I listened to your story, I heard such a profound sense of sorrow and I was really moved when you shared ‘my longest relationship is over, the person I grew inside of is gone.’ Your words were so poignant and in this moment I realised that I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the magnitude of your loss.

As I continued to connect with your story, I heard so many powerful and (at times) conflicting emotions and as I continued to read about some of the things that have happened to you in your life, I could appreciate some of the complexities associated with the relationship that you shared with your mum.

Sadly in my experience, there have been times when people have drawn a correlation between the nature and quality of the relationships that we had with our loved ones and the way in which we grieve. As such, I just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that so many relationships encapsulate conflicting emotions and the presence of these in no way diminishes our experiences or makes our loss any less valid or painful.

Absolutely! Processing the losses associated with the death of our loved ones can be incredibly complicated. As such, I just ever so gently wanted to encourage you to be patient with yourself as you begin to process your loss

Thank you so much for sharing one of your childhood memories - it sounds as though you had a very special relationship with your Ma and pop.

My heart went out to you when you shared ‘maybe I hijacked @Faith-and-Hope because I know she is such a warm and snuggly mum who would give a bear hug. I just jumped in her lap’ and I could hear how desperately you craved a sense of connection, warmth and comfort. Given everything that’s happening for you at this time in your life, it’s completely understandable that you feel drawn towards someone who can provide you with comfort in the way that you need.

I can really hear how concerned you are for your family and as such, I just ever so gently wondered if there was something in particular that was concerning you?

I’m so pleased that you reached out and I really hope that as a community we can provide you with a soft place to fall

Please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you some very gentle and caring hugs at such a difficult time

Take care of yourself,

ShiningStar

Thank you @ShiningStar for taking the time to reply.

Yes, it was a very complicated relationship with Mum. I have felt lots of different emotions. But that is nothing new. Throughout my whole life I have had conflicting emotions, we were/are really different people......but she was still my Mum.

As you say, I am trying to be easy on myself and not pressure myself with my grief with time limits etc. My father died when I was 29 & I was so anxious and scared about Mum's well being that it was a protracted process. But now that my last remaining parent has died and I am no longer someone's daughter and Mum's carer I think that my grief will shift to the more intense feelings more swiftly because I am on my own now. I restarted my NDIS supports today & am hoping that a little routine will be helpful for me.

I guess I am just worried about my family because they're very upset and I worry about the impacts on their health. My aunt spoke or saw my Mum ever day so she is very very sad & at the hospital she was wailing. I've never seen my uncle cry like that, and my little niece and nephew were OK at the service but very upset at the burial. My youngest sib has a friend dying of cancer at the moment so I am worried when he dies my lil' sib MH will decline. He may live one more Christmas but very doubtful he would live much longer.

Thank you for such a thoughtful post, sorry I can't write much more today. I am just a bit down today after the funeral yesterday. I hope that you are in good health @ShiningStar . Corny