Eating disorder and more - need a shoulder ......

The eating disorder will take its own toll on WH with time @Corny ..... and there is no way I am going to be hoovered back in, so I am totally done with worrying about any of that. I expect it's still hidden from his new supply, having an idea of how they are living between two places at the moment, so that's a nasty little surprise for her to come across at some stage ..... and not my problem any more. If he ends up being diagnosed and treated for it at some future time ...., also not my problem any more.

I was played for 35 + years, and that is a shocking realisation in itself, but many of those years were magical and wonderful in so many ways ..... and my beautiful kids are a result of it all too ..... so my emotions have been sloshing around all over the place these last couple of months, but they will steady up, and I will work out how to isolate memories to treasure and honour from the garbage that is also still present .....

Its a big work in progress. My art will help with the process.

You're kids are so lucky to have you @Faith-and-Hope . And you're lucky to have them, I would love to have had a chance to be a Mum, but its too late for me and I have lots of health problems. Lots of people take it for granted, but you don't. And one day you will be a Nana to some wee little Buttons and you can spoil them rotten and teach them to paint!

I'm sure it wasn't all bad, and it probably makes the grief and loss more complicated and protracted. He might come crawling back in a few years, who knows, but some things can't be forgiven or forgotten and the spark dies in the process.

Thank you @Corny 🙏

I love the Shield @Faith-and-Hope

Perhaps @Former-Member will let me borrow it...

Or have a similar one.

Reminds me of Wonder Woman's Shield....

Adge

Yes I love the shield @Faith-and-Hope gave me too @Adge . I would be very happy to share it with you. 💖

Thank you @Former-Member I think we could all do with some protecting (magical shield etc).

I certainly could.

@Former-Member 💕

@Adge 💕

Hi @Faith-and-Hope ... I'm just getting back to you from your weekend posts. Thank you for telling me that story about your room mate. And yes I could see what you were doing by telling it. For me that experience overseas when he brought in someone to our room, was a real eye opener. Made me see things as I perhaps should have done a long time before. I felt at the time "how could he do this, and what on earth makes him think this is okay? Shock, bewilderment, lots of emotions at the time. It was all so far against my (perhaps outdated and staid) moral code. I have never been unfaithful to him, in fact other than my rapist, there's never been anyone else. But for him ... he has a huge ego and boasts about his prowess. It was a difficult process for me to start the physical part of married life, but I always did the best I could. I even started to enjoy it somewhat. But I guess I was never enough for hubby. Personally I could take it or leave it, but not so for him. Anyway after that I lost so much respect for him, and I have never regained it.

I have to say that I was almost pleased when he came down with an STD some weeks later. He was forced to tell me about having it, because his GP told him he must so I too could have treatment. As it turns out I tested negative to it. But he never ever accepted responsibility. Instead he blamed me. Not sure how that works? Even to this day he denies it. Same as he denies all the other affairs I now know he had for most of our married life. I insisted he wear 'protection' after that. I used the excuse that I had gone off the pill, and of course he didnt want me to get pregnant. So that worked pretty well. But I do know that his 'flings' continued right up until he got so sick a couple of years ago and stopped travelling. I guess I should be thankful that, as far as I know anyway, he did not 'carry on' with anyone locally. Meant I could retain just a little bit of self respect.

Yes you are right @Faith-and-Hope I felt dreadfully betrayed, as well as very unsafe and a whole range of other emotions. I even started to have flashbacks to when I was raped, so that made everything so much harder. Hubby was used to that country, I was not. I couldnt just walk out, and I wasnt capable of doing so, even if I felt safe to do so. It was a horrible experience all around. I guess it was an eye opening experience for you too when you had that happen with your room-mate. People do not always portray who they really are. And its instances like that which exposes differences in values. I dont know how I would have dealt with what you had happen.

Sherry

@Former-Member, it's hard that you've had to go through all that. Both rape and unfaithfulness take something that is meant to be deeply vulnerable and loving, and violate that point of vulnerability. I've never been through either, but it seems to me that the emotional and psychological (and probably spiritual?) denigration is worse than the physical abuse. (Please let me know if Im totally wrong!)
You are genuinely brave, both in your continuing relationship with your husband, and in being willing to talk about your experiences.

I hope that you are enjoying your course @Faith-and-Hope and that you are getting some sleep and few pots of hot tea

@Former-Member You know I am a blurter so I won't comment on your marriage like I have in the past cos once I get going the Ff Ff Ff huh huh Feiiisty comes out and the feisty won't stop. Punky Brewster meets the Karate Kid kung fu style.

But I just wanted you to know, that I truly do understand not trauma, but life changing terror, and that I have intense flare ups too, after all these years.

I guess that's what PTSD is, its burnt into our cells.

I have had a bad day today as well, I was triggered by the sentencing of the perpetrator of the 7 year old in Kogarah that came on the news when I was in a waiting room at a doctors.......reliving it, its just too much some days and we can cocoon ourselves as best as we can, but moving in the world we will inevitably be confronted with the media.

I hope that you are comfortable. It can take a week to bring down the arousal to your baseline.

I won't go on, I am feeling tired & very drained but wanted you to know I care, and totally get it.

Cuddle Coma Corn