NTCABContributor
Lost
Hi all
Don't know who will read this but hopefully someone will have some ideas. So a little (LOOOONG) back story. I have two little kids 9 and 6. Never had a close relationship with my family, it is an extremely strained, one sided, manipulative relationship. We also don't have a very positive one with my husbands family due to them screwing my husband over several times and being quiet bias to his brothers. My husband was been diagnosed with schizophrenia a few months back and slowly but surely every other part of my life seems to be falling apart and I can't cope any longer. I'm lost for ideas on what to do and generally speaking, i don't want to cope or do it anymore.
The first time he was hospitalised was at the start of the year. He was extremely paranoid and not sleeping. He acted funny in the morning before work and then just walked out of work without telling anyone. I found this out in the arvo and couldn't get through to him so I called the cops as he said that's where he was going. i am glad I did that as that was the start of his MI journey. I ended up taking him into hospital and they gave him some pills and sent him home. This lasted about a week and then he declined. I ended up taking him back in and they admitted him. He was there for three days then discharged himself while I was at work.
Over the next few months he took his meds that he was prescribed but never ended up going back to any appointments. I think he went to one as I was able to go and picked up a second script. When his meds ran out he stopped taking them. I lied to myself saying he was fine but looking back everything was anything but fine.
After a week or two off meds his MH declined and I was at my wits end. I ended up calling his mum and making her take him in. He was in for a week before just walking out. He seemed to get a little better but then decline. Funnily enough, I was on the phone to his docs saying I went and saw him and his MH had declined again and he still didn't seem right and that I recon he was going to walk out. I said I can't have him like this at home and I won't be able to cope. As I was on the phone I later found out he had walked out. Due to this the MH team with cops rocked up to my house the same time I got home with my kids. They took him back in and after an hr decided to hold him under the act.
While in he refused to talk to the doctor always claiming to be held against his will, refusing to listen to why he was there or talk about what he was going through. Full denial. This lasted 4 weeks. It was an emotional roller coaster and I was struggling to cope. I got into a good routine but was tired from visiting daily. I went and got some help from a place recommended by the hospital and started threapy. I literally went each week and cried about anything and everything.
My kids struggled and their behaviour declined. His mum was in the opinion that he is fine and hospital was what was making him like this. She wanted him out and make me feel as if it was my fault, he had been a long term drug user but had been clean for over a year when this all happened. She blamed that, his drinking, violent TV shows and not going to church. I couldn't handle the guilt she made me feel. I ended up saying if you want him out and can get him out then I don't want him home and he can live with her. Anyway I could speak to her much after that.
After 4 weeks of not talking, the docs decided to trial him at home. He had calmed down and the meds seemed to be working. They said if he misses an appointment then they will call the MH team to bring him back in. They put him on a depo and it was every 4 weeks. He came home and he seemed to be doing a lot better. He started back at work after a week and like started to go back to normal. this was exciting as he didn't get paid at all during his hospital stay as he had no sick or holiday pay left. We were dirt broke and had nothing to our name. I maxed the credit card to survive. we already had one maxed out due to me studying at uni a couple of years back and a personal loan. We were financially stuffed but so glad he was back at work to start paying it all off. Anyway a week after Hubby starting back at work idiotic me decided to really stuff thing up.
I had a car accident. No insurance nothing. Worse thing was I hit a BMW which then hit another car. my world fell apart. I though we were struggling before. Now we are completely up s$&@ creek. hubbies MH declines regularly but he kept getting his depo. he is still in denial And won't get any extra help. They are changing his meds soon to see if it will help but I'm sure it will just bring an 'eventful' roller coaster to our lives. just what I need.
So this is my life now. I work full time and cart the kids around. I deal with every aspect of their lives so hubby doesn't have to. I like working as I can forget life. I don't have to think about how crap everything is going. But outside of work and weekends I have no hope. Nothing I just wait for the day something else will go worng. We have no money and struggling day to day. I use to have hopes and dreams to get a house and travel around Aus but now we are financially stuffed. i don't know how long my hubby will keep his job for as they seem to be isolating him and not want him there anymore. i use to catch a break by having a coffee by myself but now feel guilty anytime I go. I hate that my kids birthdays and Christmas is coming up. I hate my life and the way it's turning out. My husband is still the kind and caring man I married but he is no longer social, he has changed. I not only have to care for my kids but him also now. I constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells any little stress he is exposed to he declines. I cant get angry I can't get upset. I once told him I'm really struggling and he freaked out. I am Waiting for him to have another episode. What am I going to do? How am I going to keep myself sane? This is how my life is going to be till the end. This has been going on for 6 months how am I going to last the next 30-40years. There is no cure for him so I will forever have to care for him and walk on egg shells. i Have no energy and don't want to get out of bed on the weekends. I don't want to work but know I have to or else no one else will pay my debts. i want hubby to drop a day to try and relieve stress but his worried about our finances also and knows it's more stressful without the money. my therapist referred me to another more intense program as she hoped that they would be able to help me More mentally. I have had two visits with the new therapis and the first was really good but the second was bad. I walked out and completely fell apart. I struggled to get there on time due to work and thus time was really short. now I feel like I can't manage all these appointments, work is more important and thus Its really hard to make the appointments or have enough time as they all shut at 430. I'm a teacher and finish at 3 and struggle to get out by 330 with the kids. I feel a little better getting everything of my chest but don't know if they can help me. With my regular therapist I've had been times I've left feeling more hopeless then walking in as they made me remember how shitty my life really is. I've cancelled them all now Because I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want someone to tel me how to cope mentally with this shitty life I want someone to help me fix my life. I want someone to care about me. Give me a hug and say it's going to be ok. Message me to check in on me care about me. Someone to tel me what to do to fix life not just listen or give me coping strattagies. I don't just want to cope with life. I don't want to make choices anymore. I don't want to care for everyone else anymore. I'm just really lost and over it.
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