PudgeNew Contributor
Coming out
Hi guys,
Yay for my first post! I guess I just wanted to share my story as a way of working through my feelings. Basically a couple of years ago I realised I was gay, and at first I didn't want to accept it at all. My whole perception of myself changed -- especially in regards to my future. Suddenly, no wife, no kids (at least in the conventional sense), no more being happy. That's what I was thinking at the time anyway, and I fell in to a deep depression.
A little over a year ago I started having panic attacks, virtually every day, and at first I didn't know what they were. I was terrified, as each time I thought I was legit going to die. Thankfully I went to my GP who prescribed me some meds and referred to me to a psych to help deal with my depression and anxiety. I'm glad I've always been a pretty open person, which enabled me to seek the help I needed. Most of my friends are the silent types who wouldn't dare let on how they were feeling, and I couldn't imagine bottling something like this up for long.
The good news is that I'm in a much better place regarding my sexuality now. I'm learning to accept myself. I still haven't told a good majority of my friends, and always get anxious when conversation veers into that territory. I know my friends wouldn't care, and would only have supportive words to say to me -- but still, I don't know, sometimes it just doesn't feel right announcing it. And I don't think it's something that needs to be necessarily announced en masse. I'm happy going at my own pace, opening up to those around me with whom I'm comfortable.
My family have been great about it, as has everyone I've told. I guess what I'm still struggling with is the transition. I think I'm someone who's comfortable being by myself -- I've never really sought out a relationship before. I'm happy to see how things pan out, but going to a gay bar or getting set up with a friend of a friend of a friend "who's also gay" doesn't seem at all natural or organic to me. I think what I'm most worried about is being so self-conscious and self-hating (if that's not too strong a word) as to not explore this side of myself, and just accept that I'm better off alone. And therein lies the problem -- I do, deep down, worry about being alone.
Most days I'm good, and can hold my head high. But this journey for me has really derailed my whole life -- socially and professionally, and I'm just hoping to get back on track, and reach a stage where it's not even an issue.
Anyway, thanks for listening! Appreciate any words of advice 🙂
