@Doglover @CheerBear
Thanks for checking in. Two of the CATT nurses came around last night and I spoke to them. I was pretty nervous at first but it went OK.
They asked me what I wanted to do at the end (continue without seeing them again and keep up psycologist/psychiatrist visits or have them check in regularly). I was a bit overwhelmed by that stage and said I didn't know. One of them on duty today said he would phone me to check in this afternoon.
Unfortunately now my hypercritical brain has latched onto the fact that they confirmed I had good protective factors (a good job that I like, supportive partner, decent financial situation, regular therapy) and has taken that as "proof" that I shouldn't be depressed. I know that was not what they meant and there was much more to the conversation, but the automatic filter is at play.
This has been a big (and futile) frustration of mine the past few weeks - I'm in the most stable and low-stress situation I've probably ever been in, and my brain has chosen now to break down. It's almost like I cope better when there's something to fix or change or get through, but when I've done all those things and should be enjoying the fruits of my labour, I can't. I'm just left with my state of mind and it feels broken. Instead of crushing me, pressure keeps me together and I fall apart once it's removed. I've never been able to just live in the present; I always have to "survive" a temporary situation. The prospect of feeling like this for the rest of my life leaves me exhausted.
Basically all the things you're not supposed to say to someone with depression ("snap out of it", "you don't have any reason to be sad", "you just need to be more positive") I say to myself. I know it's ultimately not helpful and is probably perpetuating the problem, but it's hard to switch off.
