When it makes you a bad person

I have so many confusing feelings, but I know one thing for certain.

This makes me a terrible person.

My work stress makes me a terrible person.

My personality makes me a terrible person.

I am rude, and mean, and disrespectful. Out of line, totally. In retrospect. Not in the moment.

Then, the people I need to apologise to don't show up to work the next day, and I can't. And even when I do, it's not going to be enough. Then people will talk about how horrible I am, and was. I go on for as long as I can, attempting to conceal my anger and frustration, my rage even, until it bubbles out and someone sees me roll my eyes, or get angry. I know they saw, I see their face turn red or they stammer. I know they are upset or angry. I know they want justice or revenge. They probably told their friends or the boss. Punishment is coming.

Why can't I just be good? Respectful all the time. I try and try and I fail over and over.

Everywhere I go, schools, relationships, work...eventually the real true authentic me comes through and people don't like what they see. The worst part if the majority of my bad feelings come from the stress of not being liked, rather than concern for their wellbeing. My first instinct is usually they were dumb, or annoying, or this process sucks, or whatever it may be. I can acknolowledge in some situations for the most part, it's my fault, and they didn't deserve it. This time they didn't deserve it, but most of the time, I take their hurt and it becomes a pity party, knowing people will talk poorly of me, and that is the part that makes me sad. My reputation is ruined, and cannot be repaired, woe is me. Often the issue blows over, but sometimes it's the straw that breaks the camel's back, and the only cure is the affected person leaving my life. Which luckily sometimes happens. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it's fake friendly life until the bitter end.

Why can't I give myself peace? Why am I like this? Why can't I just stop? I make all of this pain for myself. I do my best to remain totally silent, neutral, do and say nothing and have no opinion other than lighthearted and eventually I crack open. The harder I try to remain quiet and dead, the more frustrated I get. I suck at social interaction, 80% of the time, and some days I am so angry and tired, I know I won't be able to interact successfully...but I'm stuck doing it anyway. Sitting through the meeting, wanting to rip at my skin knowing any second I'll just growl at someone.

I can't get a new job. I can't do it. If I did, i'd be getting formal warnings about my attitude. Everywhere I've gone in my life, I've gotten punished for my attitude. My poor attitude, my inability to cooperate. I can, I just crack sometimes and it all comes tumbling down.

I don't know how to make it right, but if I had my way, i'd walk out that door and never return. It's for the best for everyone and they can all finally be happy without me. I bet the new girl would be funny, and friendly, and be at their brunches and club nights, the things I don't enjoy and never would be included in, because I am inherently a bad person. I can acknolwledge and understand that. But, I don't know how to stop.

Counting to ten doesn't work, I react and make mistakes in miliseconds. I don't even know i'm doing it, or why.

Meditation doesn't help.

Mindfulness doesn't help.

I have nothing that can piece me together other than denial.

I'm so bitterly unhappy. But any change will make me sadder.

I haven't got it in me to pretend to be better. I can't wake up and do my hair and makeup and be a real woman at another job. I show up here, rotting from the inside out.