When it makes you a bad person

I'm sorry @2qwerty it sounds impossibly hard.

Is there any area of your life where you feel some relief from the work %*@# ?

I have felt like that sometimes @2qwerty

Shame is the pits.

One reason I like the forum is that people here don't lay it on you ... I do a pretty good job of it on my own.

You do sound like a strong person to me, for what it's worth.

Have you seen the Brene Brown talk on Netflix?

I liked it.

hi @2qwerty

I suffer from intense and anguished rage most of the time. It makes me abuse alcohol. I am currently reviewing my anti-psychotics to see if I can get some better relief from the endless rage.

Whilst I feel for you, I feel I should warn you on two things. 1. One's rage and anger is no-one's responsibility but one's own. (Mine is a result of chronic, psychological torture and child abuse during my developmental years so it's not my fault. But it's my responsibility). 2. Rage never wins, you will always be the 'bad guy', it never pays to express rage.

I was unemployed for 7 years due to my mental illness. Be wary of that, I don't want that to happen to you. I was bullied in the workplace and was also accused of being too unapproachable, even tho I did my best to withhold and conceal my rage but it was me who ended up unable to perform in the workplace and unemployed. It is only anti-psychotics that got me back into work.

If you have a rage problem like me it is a serious brain dysfunction and ridiculous suggestions like counting to 10, breathing or meditating, or expressing your rage in any way such as hitting a pillow, will only add to your frustration & rage. Don't listen to people who tell you anger can be productive and give you motivation, they have never experienced serious, chronic rage.

The only thing that helped me is anti-psychotics. I hope you find something helpful. Have you got a good psychiatrist? Have you tried meds?

On being a bad person, I don't think I'm a bad person. I know I'm a good person but also an unwell person with the incurable, degenerative brain disease of schizophrenia and that rage is a symtpom of that & too much child abuse.

@BryanaCamp

Hi there. You post such a frank and courageous account of your mental illness and the impacts it has had on your life. Your description of schizophrenia is certainly stark and vivid. It is great that you are able to contribute in this way. For anyone wanting to read more about schizophrenia here is a link to the SANE fact sheet.

https://www.sane.org/information-stories/facts-and-guides/schizophrenia

regards Whitehawk, Forums team

@BryanaCamp I don't have a psychiatrist, no.

I'm just extremely disillusioned with life, everything sets me off and is frustrating...but I don't think I need anti psychotics to cancel that out. Medication is not my answer. Also don't think I want to know about the condition that stole my childhood from me (parental figure had it) I had to confirm for an adult that there was infact NOT a demon in the room with us multiple times before I turned four years old.

@2qwerty I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time.

For background, I have major depressive disorder and severe anxiety which prevents me from working (and has for some time). I’ve tried a few psychologists - and thankfully have found one I connect with. Thankfully, my Psychiatrist has been a blessing throughout. I’m a lot better now, but each day remains a challenge.

Even though there is a different flavour to everyone’s issues, a number of things you mention resonated with me and my experience. Shame, self-loathing, worthlessness, anger, frustration... all horrendous stuff. I share below some thoughts that have helped me. Hopefully they help you.

We are all gloriously imperfect humans. We all have our scars, shortcomings, regrets, mistakes - and that’s ok. We’ve all invariably done our best in whatever circumstances we’ve found ourselves in. Those circumstances include the day to day pressures of life, as well as the impulses we might have felt in the heat of a moment (and whatever history, habits, thought patterns and beliefs may have contributed to those impulses - many of which may not be your fault and/or may be unconscious). However, @BryanaCamp is right. Ultimately, regardless of any contributing factorsthat may be beyond our control, no one is responsible for our actions but ourselves.

What’s awesome is that you’ve identified things you want to change! Not only that, you’ve reached out for help to change(on here)! You’ve actually already kicked 2 huge goals (though I doubt you’ll feel that way yet - but try to stay with me!).

The next step is working out how to start making change.

I really encourage you to get professional help. If you’ve tried before without success, or didn’t like their methods, try someone else (my first 2 psychologists/counsellors didn’t work for me, but the 3rd one is great). If you can find someone you “click” with, it could be an incredible support and help you get on a more healthy path. A great place to start is your GP.

Your GP can help determine whether a psychiatrist, psychologist or counsellor (or a combination) may be of benefit. They can also recommend individuals and provide the referral(s) you’ll need. [You don’t need a referral for psychologists or counsellors necessarily, but it’s usually cheaper if you have one because of how Medicare works].

[Btw, just because you see your GP or a psychiatrist doesn’t mean you will need medication.]

A good next step might be, within the next 7 days, making an appointment with your GP (even if the appointment itself may not be within the 7 days). Then get to the appointment on time.

If you find that daunting - get a friend or family member help you to make the appointment and then keep it (or even go with you). You don’t have to do it on your own.

But please get it done - or work out and take another “next step” - otherwise nothing will change.

You mentioned feeling “inherently evil”. That is a brutally awful feeling. You’re not btw, but because you won’t believe me, here’s a thought that helped me. Instead of being “inherently evil” and feeling like I had to “fix” myself, or change in some way to be even remotely acceptable (which is how I felt) - the idea is that we are all “inherently good” at our core (not inherently evil at all). It’s just that sometimes our inherent goodness gets buried by not so good stuff. If we can clear away some surface gunk, we’ll find our inherently good core is still there (always has been and always will).

I liked the idea of the goodness already being in me, just hidden, as opposed to not being there at all. I figured finding something I already had was easier than becoming something I wasn’t.

So what does “inherent goodness” look like and why might we have it?

Picture a 3 year old girl who spontaneously dances across the living room simply for her own pure joy. (Not to impress anyone). No thought, no plan, just pure impulse. She’s lost in the moment. Gloriously oblivious to the rest of the world. Spinning, skipping, twirling and reaching to the sky. Having a wonderful time! Pure, innocent and absolutely gorgeous!

We were all once (even if only for a fleeting moment!) that delightful child. We were all born with that goodness, that purity, that innocence inherently inside us - and it’s still there, at our core. We couldn’t get rid of it if we wanted to. It’s just been buried - often for reasons we don’t know about or don’t understand (which is why professional support/help can be so important).

We’re not evil, even if we might look or feel like it sometimes. We don’t need to “change”. We just need to rediscover and reconnect with our inherent core of goodness. To find it under whatever crap might be piled on top of it. We don’t need to change the crap into something good - we just need to get rid of it (with help).

So, perhaps try the idea that you are “inherently good”? You don’t need to change or be fixed. You just need to uncover your dancing 3 year old.

If that’s too much, try the idea that you are prepared to consider the possibility that you are “inherently good”. Or, that you might be prepared to consider that possibility in the future. Any move toward that thought could help (by taking you away from the alternative, even if only a little).

I really hope you take another step towards a healthier path and start felling better soon. You’ve done so well to get this far. Sorry if my response is long, but it’s because I’d love a part of my experience to help you if it can.

Either way, best wishes and take care.

(And call your GP 😉)

Thanks for the response, I'm sorry, I didn't get a notification about your message. @Got_the_tshirt

Professional help just makes me feel more isolated, to be honest. It's a rather large disruption for little payoff. It costs money, and I honestly don't use it the way I'm supposed to, but also don't understand it, either. I'm doing it, and i've been there and done that. I have been carrying a second referral around for months upon months, and I've yet to call them, cause it's just another place to go to. I can make a doctors appointment, I can talk to them...but I don't want to. Cause I already have a referral and doctors are the worst. The lowest of the low. Plus they'd expect me to book a long appointment, and charge me accordingly. They're vultures. Even with medicare, it's disgusting. Their time isn't worth that much. Never was.

I've been identifying what I want to change for my entire adult life, and I've never come close to fixing any of it. I've been going over these complaints for a long time. I circle and circle, becoming more and more lost the older I get. I've hit a new level of blank, realising...this is it. There's nothing else. I don't have the power to overcome anything anymore. Not even a Monday.

I maxed out my medicare benefits for the year, and have an appointment in a month and a half, which I will be paying full price for. While I don't dislike going, it doesn't do anything.

I lost my innocence long ago, I don't want to remember being 3. It just makes me sad. I don't have a huge amount of memories, but the ones I do have trigger everything else. I've always been the odd one.

I don't really know what's wrong anymore. I've just feel blank. Unsupported. Everything is wrong. Empty.

People say get help. But the help is just empty, too. Go to a GP so you can get a referral and then wait months to get in to see a psychologist that ends up being meh anyway, then to pay them, leave and do it all again two weeks later.

@2qwerty I’m glad you got the message.

I’m sorry there was nothing in it that seemed to help. It’s great that you’ve already sought help. I’m sorry it hasn’t seemed worthwhile and you feel so disheartened by your experiences. And yes, Monday’s aren’t my favourite either!

Talking with friends/family can also be very effective - and doesn’t cost anything. Same with engaging on forums like this. Whatever works for you.

I felt disheartened by my experiences with my first couple of psychologists, but the third was completely different. She was much, much better (it was all in how we related to each other - her style fit my thinking in ways I’d almost given up on). If you ever change your mind about getting professional help, perhaps try again with someone new? Of course, as with everything, it is up to you.

The “inherently good” idea obviously doesn’t fit for you - and that’s absolutely fine. I just wanted to throw out ideas for you to use or discard as you choose. Discard away!

I’m so sorry you feel the way you do atm. Obviously I don’t know what it’s like for you, but I have had long periods of feeling like you describe. I still do. It’s not pleasant. There were times when I felt (and still feel) like the bad stuff will never change. But it has. It does. Over time it eventually improved. Things change - including for the better. You matter, we all do.

A few more different suggestions in case they help. If they don’t, please feel free to ignore them too!

I found if I could get absorbed in or distracted by something, that helped get me out of my own head for a bit - and feel better. What do/did you enjoy? What can you get absorbed in / distracted by? Music? Sport (team sport especially can be great)? Coffee with a friend? TV? Reading? Gardening? Walking? Movies? Other physical activity? Joining a community group?

Any physical activity is great from a mental and physical health point of view. It also might let you expend some anger/frustration in a positive way.

There are also some good books, apps and YouTube videos which might be worth a try. They can help in ways like: realising other people know what it feels like; explaining why we might have certain feelings; why it might not be our fault (and why we’re not actually bad); and what can help us improve. With a bit of searching / trial and error, hopefully you can find something that suits you. [I’m not sure if suggestions are allowed, but if they are and you’re interested I could make some.]

I never thought I could meditate, but it has helped me. Might be worth a try? There are apps that can help get you started. [And don’t worry about being “bad” at it. I’m sure I’m terrible at it - but it still helps.]

Most importantly, best wishes and take care. Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon.