Struggling

Hi @JosRapp

Sometimes it’s hard when we feel stuck with therapy and the things we try don’t work. It’s taken me a long time to have a good supportive mh team, it really is just trying until one fits. It can feel like trying to fit into Cinderella’s slipper with swollen feet at times.

Some of the the things that have helped me is to research different therapies as well. I’m not great at CBT either. I’ve spent a bit of time googling different things, read some books and watched some YouTube videos. I’ve found people who inspire me with their approach to mental health.

As far as touch deprivation goes I’m wondering if you have a pet. For many of us on the forum having cuddles with a pet helps enormously, it may not be the same as human contact but it still gets the oxytocin going. I’m sorry you don’t have anyone in your life for that at the moment.

Ive been noticing lots at the moment when I get fixated on something it often leads to greater depression too. I’m wondering if you tried going to things you enjoy (like a hobby)

without goals of making friends or looking for a partner that maybe you might enjoy it more and take some pressure off you.

I understand that the pressure to have been married by.....,have a house by.....have kids by..... is strong but the truth is that there is no real time frame. There is a biological clock but that ticks much longer than we think, and there are other ways of having family too. I think if you can just try to let that go for now. I believe that people get together in a heap of different ways. If I was to ever get with someone again I’d want to get to know someone who was passionate about their own things and interested in the stuff I am.

Im not sure if this helps but I thought I’d say hi. I hope you don’t think this is too preachy. I didn’t want to be another voice that tells you to be positive and try harder because that can feel frustrating but rather share some stuff that you may want to think about.....or not......it’s just sharing ideas.

Best wishes. 😊

Hi @Teej

Have looked in to other forms of therapy, but most don't seem to suit, or are just different variations of the same thing. And what we read online isn't always what is available. It seems that some forms of therapy offered overseas, just aren't done here. I've been to about 25 different therapists, and it has all been the same really. Even the last few years when I go to another one, they will say that we won't do the same things that haven't worked before .... and then we do exactly the same things that haven't worked before.

Yeah, I've had pets before. 6 cats and 2 dogs. They didn't help with the touch deprivation. I know I was told that walking a dog was a good way of meeting people, but that didn't happen either. Therapists just ignore it. Change the subject if I try to talk about it, or worse, tell me that I will just have to go and pay for any kind of physical touch from another person, which to me shows that they don't understand it. Or me. Was also told that doing volunteering in nursing homes, visiting elderly people would help, as they would welcome a hug. Yeah. But not if they don't want a hug from you, which is what happens.

I have hobbies and interests that I do, but, they only work for a limited time, and I am always aware that I am doing them alone. Never had anyone to share things with. Have tried groups and classes about my hobbies and interests as well. Being around people with the same interests would have helped. But it didn't. That's part of it really, having something that I can share doing with someone, not just share after the fact posting photos on the internet somewhere.

Guess it wouldn't feel so bad maybe, if I was at least meeting people. If there were friends to go out with sometimes, and at least the feeling that more than friends could happen. But that has never been there. Being told to focus on something, be happy on my own ... it just feels like getting told that there isn't anyone out there for you. So just get used to it. There is not that many options to have your own family really, not if you are a single man.

I just don't know what else to do anymore. The silence, nobody to talk with, share anything with. No physical contact with anyone. Never knowing affection or intimacy. It just feels like it is ignored. That I am invisible.

Maybe I shouldn't write in here anymore. I don't know. It kind of feels like yet another place I don't really fit in. The touch deprivation is really, really bad right now, and it just feels like there is nothing I can do about it. There isn't anyone who will help. I am just tired of being alone. Tired of feeling like what I want, isn't important. Tired of just being words on a screen, but never being seen anywhere I go ....

Hey @JosRapp ,

I didn’t manage to reply as I had a big couple of days that I wasn’t coping and needed time out.

I know there are many many others who feel invisible at times, and yes even on the forum, but it often takes a while to feel more visible.

I can only offer an ear to listen and hope. I’m sorry the touch deprivation is such a hard but important one. I’m not sure how old you are but I have personally experienced people I know not finding anyone to connect with until their 40s and 50s. I guess this is a glass half full approach but someone I know (a man) just had a baby as a single man (in the age bracket above) and will raise the child in shared care with the mother.

I can hear that you are feeling like there there are no options for you for partnership but life can surprise you when you least expect it. Today my world is back in more balance, but from Tuesday until yesterday I couldn’t see any point of me being here. I didn’t think I belonged in this world. I had lots of suicidal thoughts and urges. Today I still don’t see a purpose but the world seems a little lighter and easier to navigate. We all have complexities but sometimes hope is enough for now.

I hope today is a kinder one for you. 💜🤗 (not the same but a virtual hug if you want one).

Hi @JosRapp and @Teej Hearing you both about how challenging life is at the moment. I've just been absent for a few days due to family visiting so I had no time or energy left at the end of the day to be on the forums. Sending warm wishes to each of you and here to listen some more if you want to talk.

@JosRapp I was a massage therapist for nearly 30 years (absolutely not sexual, definitely therapeutic) and had several people over the years who had not been touched in a very long time, if ever. And some recovering from traumas that meant initially they could not handle being actually touched. It was always an honour to have them place themselves in my hands, so to speak. We found different ways and types of therapy (including 'aura massage' where I worked in the air around them until they trusted me), then started with e.g. foot massage and gradually did a little more of their body over many appointments. I hear you that you don't want to have to pay for human contact, but I can say from experience that giving or receiving it helps heal you in intangible ways that make it easier over time to have more contact with people in daily life. If you were interested, you could even learn to do massage yourself, maybe start with foot or hand reflexology that you could then offer that skill to e.g. elderly in nursing homes or people with disabilities and such, and you would be really appreciated as well as having some human touch connections. Just where my very over-tired mind is going when thinking about what you have shared here about yourself. And based on my own long-term experience.

You can feel safe to continue sharing here. Sometimes, as has happened for you it seems, it can take a while to form connections on the forums. And to get responses to new threads you start. It has happened to me many times. I found that by joining in on some of the more social threads like Friday Feast, Saturday Soiree, A Long Rave, Good Morning and many more in the Social Spaces area it can be a good way to make initial connections and gradually get to meet more people, some of whom will have common ground with you. I encourage you not to give up. Take care, Eth

@JosRapp, here for you my friend , how are you tonight xxx

@eth, @Teej , @Velociraptor

Hi @Shaz51 , not to good really. It all feels like a weight, crushing down on me. And I just feel so tired, too tired, to try lifting it up anymore. Go to work, where there is nobody to talk with. Come home, where there's nobody to talk with. Go to the gym, where there is nobody to talk with. No matter where I go, I go alone. Do what hobbies I have alone. When I go out somewhere, anywhere and everywhere really, I see people together, groups of friends, couples, families, and ... and it just feels like I don't exist, and I can't shake that painful question: why can't I have that too?

Lately, I have taken to finding random stock photos of people, putting them on my iPad, then propping the iPad up opposite me while I have dinner. Just so it feels like there is someone to have a meal with. Which it doesn't, of course, it just makes me feel like is this what my life has descended to? Talking to some photo of someone I don't know, even making up a name for them, because that is as close as I can get to company. I didn't think this is what life would be like at 43. I've never had friends, but, when I was younger I used to believe that it would happen one day. That I would make friends and meet people, have relationships, have my own family. "There is someone for everyone", and "it will happen when you least expect it". But it never has. Not even close, really. I tried to focus on other thing. Study at first. Then work. Volunteering and trying to help. Hobbies and interests, going out and doing things I like and want to do. But I was always going alone. Still didn't find anyone to even talk with.

I think @eth mentioned about connection. And that is the thing. I can go out and be around people. Lots of people. But there is no connection with any of them. On any level. There is no connection with anyone. I get the feeling sometimes that just going out and being around other people is expected to be enough. Even therapists have said so. But it isn't enough, it doesn't soften the loneliness. I still think a lot of people tend to merge being alone and loneliness together, as if what eases one will help the other. But it is the lack of connection, physical and emotional connection, that really hurts.

It also feels like loneliness is a big taboo subject. Not something you should talk about, let alone admit to feeling. Especially here in Australia, where everyone is supposed be friendly and have mates, go out to the pub, ect ect. Or that everyone has people to talk with online. But I don't even have that really.

@Teej I know that people in their 40's and 50's still meet and find someone and stuff. But knowing that doesn't really make it feel any better. It is like it always happens to someone else. Like as a teenager watching everyone else get invited to parties, go on dates ... while I just would get laughed at. I learnt that just because it happens to someone else, doesn't mean it will happen to me. I long painful lesson in false hope, I guess.

The thoughts are there, I can't deny that. Sometimes when I go to work, or just go out, I wonder what would happen if I just didn't come back. Maybe it is a sort of couriosity, but I wonder if anyone would notice. How long would it take? But I don't want this is to be my life. I'm just tired of fighting and struggling, alone, every day, every week, every month. And the months turn to years, and we are getting close to the end of yet another year, another year I don't want to end on my own, and start another one alone, that rolls in to just another decade alone.

@eth you mentioned therapeutic massage. But yeah, like you said, I know that they would only be there, only be touching me because I would be paying them to. Like I have always been told will be the only way it will happen. Plus, I guess I fear that if I did that, then I would get used to just paying for it. It is not like there is a chance of it happening anywhere else in my life, there isn't anyone for any kind of physical contact to happen with. It just feels important to me to feel, and know, that someone would be touching me, wether that be a hug or holding hands, or anything else, because they want to. Because nobody ever has.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so tired of trying, and not getting anywhere, of feeling like I am just treading water and getting weaker and weaker and weaker.

We are here for you @JosRapp and you are connecting with us. Bravely and honestly. Sometimes the forums are a good first step and you are definitely being supported here. Take care. There's a social thread today called Saturday Soiree if you want to come over and meet some more people https://saneforums.org/t5/Social-Spaces/Saturday-Soiree-all-welcome/m-p/762838#M165660

It was another bad week really. The loneliness is always there, of course, but sometimes it feels like it spikes higher. This week, it and the touch deprivation have been suffocating most of the time. It just doesn't feel like either is ever going to get better. Just going out, being around people, just seems to add the feeling of being invisible, unnoticed. Hobbies and interests are just temporary diversions, that I still don't get to share doing. I try dating apps and such, but, it is really just the same as going out ... the same experiences, with the same results. Over and over, and over again.