It's not sustainable

Hi @2qwerty,

I'm one of the moderators. I'm sorry to hear you've been really distressed at work today, it sounds like you are feeling so worn out, frustrated, and trapped in your work, but also really angry and critical towards yourself right now. That's really tough.

You mention at these times where you feel there is no hope of change you think about suicide, but that you know you won't. In case you do ever want to talk about that or worry about your safety, here are some crisis and suicide helplines:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

I can hear it's hard to connect with any hope things might improve right now. I hope it helps just coming on the forums to share and be heard.

Be kind to yourself,

Tortoiseshell

@Former-Member Extremely worn out. I can't escape the problems, they're fixtures...I failed and I will continue to do so. It makes me sick to know I am part of this.
All of the resources preach mindfulness...body scans...everything that doesn't help in any real crisis or problem.
No one knows what to do, do they? There's really nothing out there of substance. It's just fluff and false hope.
When you're truly broken and worn out, those things won't repair you. It's just pouring glue onto the dust and expecting the person to be fixed.

Hey @2qwerty,

I can really hear how desperate and worn out you are feeling. I'm sorry you feel broken right now and really frustrated with the help that is offered.

The support lines are not perfect, and they sometimes reach capacity and become unavailable, but they are the best support if you are in crisis, worried about your safety, or really need to talk. I'd encourage you to try them again if you need.

Sitting with you,

Tortoiseshell

One thing to remember is you are only human. You will make mistakes and you will fail. It's hard, harder for some, easier for others. But just remember that with every failure you are improving yourself.

With your OCD I am sure it is frustrating beyond words when things don't go exactly how you want. And I understand how frustrating it could be for you when people tell you it's okay, but to you it's not. It's important to play to your strengths, I know you have many strengths just from your short post. You sound like a very strong person who strives for perfection. Perhaps you don't want to let others down, or perhaps you feel like you're letting yourself down. Like I said about your strengths, focus on what you want to perfect, 'try' to remember mistakes not as a negative thing, but as a stepping stone to perfecting your goals. With every mistake you move forward not backward, it's knowledge gained and a step in the right direction.

Your anxiety coupled with the response from your OCD is obviously a strong contributor. Perhaps your thoughts become more and more spuradic and illogical until you're thinking a million miles an hour. Where every thought leads to disaster. It is hard and a lot of people down play just how hard it truly is, but you can change how you think and feel. Not overnight, but using your strong mind you can improve your state of mind. Your purpose in life is whatever you want it to be. Follow what makes you happy. Be confident in yourself. And most importantly, challenge your own thoughts.

I have had anxiety and panic disorder since I was a child. I used to tremble every night in a sweat until I threw up. Most likely due to my terrible childhood. I understand your mind state, it really does feel like it will never get better. Reading your post made me remember how I used to think. I promise you it can and will get better. You have a strong mind, I can tell, you might not belive it, but I do and I'm sure those around you do to. The best piece of advice I can give you is like I said "challenge your own thoughts and feelings". Use your inner voice to challenge irrational thoughts and feelings. Believe in yourself.

That's the thing about mistakes. A lot of the time you can't see improvement. After a while sometimes all you see are the mistakes.

If you look at yourself negatively all you will see are the negatives. But if you're persistent with trying to think more positively, eventually it will come naturally.

I've made the same mistakes many times. Everyone has, it's the natural process of learning. If you stop making the same mistake, then you won't think about it, so it's easy to forget what you have achieved.

You have achieved a lot. You have a job, that's an achievement. You're here seeking advice, that's showing commitment and determination, that's an achievement. Your life is full of achievement, you just need to shine the right light on it.

@2qwerty

Like @Meterpreter said I have made the same mistake twice as well, sometimes it does take a decade or 2 to change something, and some things we never change, buyt we do gradually morph and shift and change. We cant measure change like a scientist might measure a single varioable ... and ,aybe that is a good thing. WE are human and complex ... not one single easy to isolated constant. I used to self sabotage a hell of a lot more . .. I am slowly getting a handle on it ... not sure if saying that helps ... but trying to give hope ...