JosRappSenior Contributor
Silent Weeks
Just, well, struggling this past week. Is it strange to say that sometimes I forget the sound of my own voice? There is that few people to talk with that it seems like I can go weeks, even months, without saying anything to anyone. I used to go to the shops just so I could say “thank you” to the person at the counter, and that would be the only words I would say to another person all week. But after years of that ... well, to be honest, it doesn’t feel like it is enough. I can’t really remember the last social conversation I had with someone. I can’t remember the last time I met anyone, especially not in any social situation or felt like there might be a chance for friendship, or more. Nobody has ever shown any interest, that is for sure. There is nobody at work to talk with, any other contact with anyone is always someone like a doctor or therapist. They are paid to be there and speak to me and listen and .. and then time is up, make another appointment and out the door you go. Back in to silence.
Sometimes I talk to myself. Well, often I talk to myself really. Stand in front of the mirror and ... l’m not sure really. I think sometimes I can see why nobody has liked me, why I never seem to find anywhere to fit in and belong. Sometimes I think I can hear why all that has never happened. Why would anyone want to hear my voice? Look at me?
But this last week have just been struggling with the isolation. The feeling that it is never going to happen .. no friends, no relationship .. that this is how it will always be. And it is scary.
