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A long rave

A long rave

Edit Feb 2018: This thread has evolved into a chat thread, which is fine by me. In addition, I encourage other members to feel free to post their own 'long raves' in here too if wished. I will continue to post my own longer raves from time to time, as well as chat with friends along the way.

Original post from May 2016:

First of all, a (very) long post alert. Please don't feel obliged to read or respond. Mainly I am writing today to clear my own head of some things. So, here goes...

Last week, I managed to get to all planned appointments and activities every day of the week except Sunday. That only amounts to one, maximum two, per day, but was an improvement on previous weeks and months. I've made all planned appointments in a week before, but there have not been so many appointments in so many days consecutively. Many of you will know that, prior to about mid last year, I spent years very rarely leaving the flat. This was since the last of my breakdowns from paid employment in 2008 (one of so many similar breakdowns from paid working, though none as devastating in consequence as this last one). With each of these breakdowns, the recovery time got longer and longer. It's taken eight years to recover much at all this time around.

This week, so far, I've made none of my appointments or activities. In fact, I've not showered for days. Embarrassing to admit but maybe helpful to own up to it. As I write I'm still in what I wore to bed, as I was all day yesterday and the day before. The weird thing is that I don't feel that bad in my emotions, just crashed out physically and lacking almost all motivation except to use the computer. In other words, my mind and fingertips are alert and active, in fact nervy and overactive as usual, but the rest of me is crashed out. Perhaps I have entered what some people call a bipolar 'mixed state'. Whatever the terminology, this is where I am and I've been here so many times before.

The way I see it, there are a number of possible reasons for the way I am after last week:

  • inner conflict about how helpful my psychologist treatment is for me (saw her on Friday);
  • trying to further reduce my tobacco intake (the struggle seems disproportionately huge and exhausting);
  • needing recovery time from a big week (by my standards);
  • simply another manifestation of bipolar disorder in me.

Regarding the psychologist. She is young compared to me and I have the feeling that she may not grasp the full extent of my situation, partly through lack of life experience. Perhaps she may particularly lack an understanding of the various physical ailments that complicate things with me, some age-related (menopause, musculo-skeletal problems), one of them a chronic illness (crohns disease). She is treating me with some techniques from Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, something I honestly have never liked the sound of when I've read about it. The main 'homework' I have for this four week period is a sheet I am meant to fill out every night covering various things including tobacco use, coffee intake, isolating, unbalance eating, sleep patterns, lack of exercise. The sheet also includes sections monitoring mood every day. The problem I find is that monitoring and (by implication) tackling all these things at once is just overwhelming. I am significantly depressed after filling out the form because it seems to highlight all the ways I am failing rather than the ways I am succeeding. The psychologist has given me this sheet as homework once before and it had the same effect on me then. A full month long slump into depression is what followed. This sheet makes me feel very pressured to recover quickly from all of these things at once, a message that contradicts the advice of my psychiatrist (who I trust much more). His advice is to take it slowly and steadily and not feel rushed. As of yesterday, I stopped using the DBT form altogether. I am even considering giving up on the therapy with this psychologist after my next (sixth) session instead of seeing it through to the ten sessions my GP is willing to refer me for.

With the difficulty of further tobacco reduction, I am succeeding in reducing this a little more but the effort is gargantuan and seems to be sapping all the strength I have for making it out the door to my activities and appointments (or even to get dressed and showered). Writing here is just about the only thing that is distracting me from smoking again or thinking about it obsessively.

I've run out of steam on writing about it all now (a huge sigh of relief from any readers at this point).

I wonder if anyone else can make any sense of this.

27230 replies

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In response to: A long rave

Re: A Long Rave

@Mazarita yesterday I had a fb convo with J for the first time in ages. And he actually acknowledged missing me and said I have special powers (read between the lines there!). After I've been gone for 17 months. It sounds like he's had time and other experiences since I left that haven't gone well and he's come to realise what we had was special in it's way. Of course it was ... you don't keep coming back for 12 years for nothing! The chat left me feeling really good about myself but at the same time knowing I made the right decision to leave. But also opening up a remote possibility that we'll be together again one day. Free spirit, gypsy, love Godess ... it all. He's all the masculine aspects of the same qualities.

In response to: Re: A Long Rave

Re: A Long Rave

Interesting to hear you heard from J after all this time, @eth. Lol to your 'special powers'. I'd forgotten that it was a 12 year relationship, that's really a long time and has to be meaningful. So glad you felt, in a way, vindicated, both in terms of him appreciating you more in retrospect, and that you felt it was right to move on. He does sound like a charismatic man and we never know what the future holds.

In response to: Re: A Long Rave

Re: A Long Rave

He's what my Dad would have called a raconteur @Mazarita especially when he's had a puff! And extremely fit for his age due to still working in the building trade. Can't believe he's 67 now. Hasn't had a drink for 35 years. The chat started because I mentioned having done that massage last week. He still hasn't found a replacement for that. I must've been doing something right! But if it ever were to rekindle it would have to be on my terms as much as his. I won't compromise to that degree again. Being solitary doesn't bother me most of the time.

In response to: Re: A Long Rave

Re: A Long Rave

Someone with wit and intelligence, who can tell good stories is appealing, @eth. My close friend here is someone like that (with a lot of sharing between us about our pain and struggles too). There's not a visit goes by though that we don't share laughs, smiles and humour. She is a treasure.

In response to: Re: A Long Rave

Re: A Long Rave

I hear you @Mazarita. I think trust and companionship are the most important things in any type of relationship, plutonic or otherwise. From exploring language my adult child has shared and educated me in I now identify as 'pansexual' - i.e. I fall in love with the person first, regardless of gender, and a physical relationship is secondary.

In response to: Re: A Long Rave

Re: A Long Rave

In response to: Re: A Long Rave

Re: A Long Rave

Good to have that understanding of yourself, @eth. A physical relationship is definitely secondary to me at this time in my life as C and I are both celibate now. For a long time I have believed that friendship is the most important thing in any relationship, sexual or otherwise. Too often in romantic relationships, it seems that it's forgotten that being good friends to each other is fundamental. I have certainly been a bad friend to romantic partners in the past, partly influenced by a liftime of watching romantic dramas in TV and movies, I think. I don't really define myself in sexual terms at this time in my life, but I suppose I'd just have to say my sexuality has always been queer in one way or another.

In response to: Re: A Long Rave

Re: A Long Rave

Queer pretty much sums it up @Mazarita. Between identity and sexual preference the language has gotten really complex now. My adult child will not have this baby's gender assigned at birth. It will be interesting to learn how that works, what language is required etc.

In response to: Re: A Long Rave

Re: A Long Rave

Queer is a good term, encompassing many different ways of being, @eth. I've been different things at different times, so I think it fits. In relation to your new grandchild, it may be difficult for them in mixing in mainstream society. But your adult child's decision to go that way is about trying to create a more inclusive future for humanity. Kindest wishes to you all for the best outcome all round.

In response to: Re: A Long Rave

Re: A Long Rave

Thanks @Mazarita so much for getting it, once again. I need to get horizontal now as my back is hurting again. Just took painkillers but they'll take a while to act. Hope you and I both sleep better than average tonight. Lots of love, Cx

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