Intimately Isolated

So yeah. I’m 43, and have never been in a relationship. And at no point in my life have I ever experienced and shared anything intimate or affectionate. For most of my life, it has always been made fun of, been a source of bullying. I’ve been told that nobody will ever want to touch me, unless I go and pay them to. Also been told many, many times that any thought of anything intimate or affectionate with me is foul and disgusting, and that I should be ashamed to ever think or want anyone to be with me.

I don’t have any friends, so there is nobody to go out with, nobody to talk with about any of this. Even trying to talk to therapists about it, they just either change the subject, or again, just tell me to go and pay for any type of affection, even just to hug someone or hold hands.

I’ve tried a lot of dating sites and apps, all the major ones, and at least 10 this year alone, but none of them ever work. No messages, no replies to any messages I send, no chats. Nothing. I don’t meet people, no matter where I go and try to get involved in. Groups and classes, hobbies, volunteering, work. All have come up empty. I have been online since 1995 and don’t even have any online friends, let alone found any relationships.

Just don’t know what to do anymore. It is going beyond being frustrating, and is becoming quite distressing. Yesterday after work I had a panic attack at the gym. I just don’t know what to do and where to go. Putting myself “out there” just doesn’t work when nobody notices or is interested. It actually hurts when I see a couple holding hands or hugging or kissing, because it just feels like it will never happen to me.