A Lifetime of Loneliness

Hi. This is my first time here, so I am sorry if this might come out a little incoherent at times, because I am actually nervous about this.

So. I am 43, and I am lonely. I always have been, for as long as I can remember when I was young. I’ve never had any friends, not even when I was a child. I was always the subject of a lot of bullying, not just from other kids but from teachers and adults as well. And nobody really seemed to care, not even my family. I still don’t have friends. There is nobody at work to talk with, or even have lunch with. I have tried volunteering, and have had some very bad experiences, mostly more bullying. I go to several groups, like a walking group, but again, there just isn’t anyone there that I can talk with, and most of the time I end up walking alone. I play sport on a Saturday morning, have done for 13 years now, but again, there is nobody to talk with there. I try to start conversations, but, well I can’t remember the last time I talked to someone and got much further than just hello before they walked away. I’ve done classes and courses, with the same thing. Being around people that I share an interest with doesn’t seem to help at all. I go to the gym 3 times a week, but it is not a good place to try and talk to people or meet anyone it seems. I have been going for 2 years and, apart from the staff in the first two weeks I went there, there hasn’t been anyone else to talk with since then.

I go to therapy. This current therapist is, well, to be honest I stopped counting after 25 different therapists since I was 17. Therapy doesn’t help though really. I’ve been on antidepressants, but they had no effect, so I was taken off them. Apart from the depression and social anxiety, I have also been told that I am on the autistic spectrum, although an actual diagnosis seems to differ from therapist to therapist. Most therapists haven’t lasted much longer than 6 months, and then I am sent to yet another one because they don’t know how to help.

My family don’t understand or care very much. They never have. It was always made clear that I am not very important to them. From a young age I was told to just accept that I will never have friends, or a partner. I’m 43, and have never held hands or had my first kiss yet even. I don’t even remember if I have been hugged before, my family were not like that with me, and nobody else has even ever tried to. Even my family will make jokes about how if I want to even hug someone, I will have to go and pay for someone to do it.

I even find online difficult to find people to talk with. I have tried many forums, about many topics. This isn’t the first forum like this I have tried really, but, like everything, they weren’t any help. I don’t have anyone online to talk with either. Have tried many different sites and apps to try and meet people, some that I was on for over 10 years, but never found anyone to talk with, and never even got a reply or response from anyone.

I just don’t know what to do. What is often suggested I try, I usually have tried before already. Many, many times. I feel so isolated, not just socially, but physically and emotionally. I have called things like Lifeline before, but, just a voice at the end of the phone doesn’t ease the loneliness at all, and often feel like they don’t understand anyway. I’m just so tired of trying, and trying, and trying, and not getting anywhere, not finding anyone to meet, still being without friends. I hate to say it, but hope is running very, very low.

Sorry if this has been too long, I guess I understand if nobody has read through it.