Can people really see me?

@Mazarita thanks a lot for that.. its really nice.. just cant really feel it at the moment but wanted to acknoledge it. i do want to be in a relationship but dont trust enough to let someone close. plus there is no one interested at the moment and i do not have the energy to look.

Hi @bleu

It astounds me that people think they can read our thoughts and tell us something they imagine we are being - eg - not honest with ourselves

No one can tell our true self - and the more people say things like that the less honest we become toward them - and I don't mean we lie to them - but rather we become secretive with our inmost selves and why not? We need to protect ourselves from people like that.

You know the casting the first stone thing - they have no right to say such things when they are busy hiding themselves - and what they hide behind is likely to be exactly what they are saying - they are not honest with themselves

How painful it is when those people - eg our mother or sister - have mental agenda - and are fixed in their thinking to protect themselves - this is not right - but they will go on doing it anyway

I too only open up in areas where I feel I will be accepted - with my psychologist - and she will be leaving this area soon - my doctor in the few minutes he has - and Life LIne along with the people here

It does bug you I know because it bugs me - how much pain we suffer because we have a different mind-set - and I see nothing wrong at all with being honest. However other people see a failure to admit to a truth said is hiding the truth from ourselves - that's wrong.

It's unsettling - and we might start to doubt ourselves - but don't doubt yourself. f

It's okay to be unsure - there is only one thing I am absolutely sure of and that's that I am not sure of anything - life is totally unpredictable

All the best

Decadian

@bleu - welcome, I have the labels, Bipolar II, cPTSD, Core anxiety and OCD.
I too have had people say I am 'easy to read" although these days after years of practice - people are now often surprised to hear how very anxious I may have ben about something because I looked 'calm". I know I am hyper-sensitive o ANY perceived criticism, so any comment someone makes (good, bad or ugly) I am quick to take offence. I am at the grand old age of 55 this year - JUST now starting to undertsnad an accept that whatever is happening around me, odds are its not about me. I have schooled my face "out there" to show a neutral expression instead of a sad/stressed expression AND to flash a quick (false but pretty fooling) smile at people as I meet them to put THEM at ease.

If someone says to me "you wear your heart on your sleeve, I say "I'd prefer o wear my heart on my sleeve than lock it up in an iron box!"

Yes, there is a wall between us people who are not inflicted with various MI issues, I try, when I am travelling well to carry a ladder and climb over that wall and make friends. That said I only have a couple, BUT I have managed to maintain a relationship for 25 years this year (I was diagnosed wioth BPD in my 20's but I am glad I ignored that particualr diagnoses, My partner seems to like / love me pretty well to hang around with me for 1/4 of a century!

I hope you will feel welcome here, I have gained so much support (and the opportunity to give it too which is always good for us to reach out and reach in...)

See you around the forums.

Hi Bleu,

when we are feeling really low, distressed or troubled the pain can be etched into our face. That's what I think is happening when people are saying you are easy to read. People use to say this to me when I had my breakdown. A tad insensitive on their part. What may help you at this time is to surround yourself with empathetic people who understand - such as a face to face support group. It's good that you reached out here - take comfort as you are not alone.

Sending you a big warm e-hug ❤️

Hi everyone,

thanks for all the kind words everyone. yesterday i asked my for time off after lunch.. i dont know it was all too much. and i had a nice lunch walked around then ended the night with a really good cry, felt like crap and wishe i wouldnt wake up bt did and although i got to work late i am feeling like i am getting better.. somewhat.

it really is unbelievable how some people who are constantly working on self awareness and claim they are hyper sensitive to their awareness and others push back can't understand it when i say they are wrong about me because i know what i am feeling at those times. and seriously i feel its a requirement to manage bipolar by being ridiculously self aware.

its nice to hear people understanding.. i dont think i can do group therapy i dont know why but i rather do one on one therapy.

and @Former-Member i have been somewhat sad for months and none of them can tell... well if they could they havent said. so oh well.. i dunno

tunning out.. thanks everyone 🙂

I have agoraphobia and anxiety.

i don't have any 'friends' - because of my agoraphobia problem.

i might have some OCD i'm not sure.

I am stressed because it's not getting better - I tried to go for a walk a couple of weeks ago

but I didn't get far.

I feel really discouraged but I haven't been trying lately.

I have trouble with my thoughts - I get strange thoughts - it's hard to explain

it feels like the world is spinning out of control

I have to see my psych next week but not looking forward to it as

I haven't made any progress - I'm not sure why I should go when nothing seems to change.

have you had bad thoughts from the past - images from the past that you don't want

but they are suddenly there then you can't get rid of them - i have a lot of trouble with that.

if you read through my previous posts I have posted a few times

Hi @jamesle2015

I hear what you are saying. I am going to tag some of the moderators on this forum. They may be able to help you with that more than I can. See how you go.

Take care 🌷

@NikNik @CherryBomb @Former-Member @Fancy_Pants

@jamesle2015

I am sometimes haunted by events in my past - I had a terrible fear of my mother when I was a child - as an adult I no longer feared her - but there was something down inside I didn't want to know about

But when she died - at her funeral - unbidden came terrible memories that I had repressed - that is - I had no idea they were there - but having talked about them that tight ball of sheer terror I had as a child blew up and I wept through most of the funeral and would have run out of the chapel but a couple of large family members were holding onto me

So yes - I have these memories of an abused childhood - and some of the memories were always there. And I don't want them either - and I think in time if I talk about them I will not be overwhelmed as I was

I don't get agoraphobia - but the opposite - claustrophobia - yes - I had to have an MRI last year and this was one difficult spell - and even so - which chronic pain I have to force myself to go out - in a crowded place I have been knocked over and my balance is poor - I get a crowd of people crushing around wanting to get me to my feet and I need the paramedics to do that - so yes -

It's easy for me to understand your isolation

Make the best use of the time you have with your psyche and tell him as much about this as you can - write down the most important parts of what you have on your mind so you can give him the list

And seeing as this can be difficult for you - seeing the psyche - here's something I thought up - it doesn't really matter what you say to him - or anyone for that matter - but in therapy - you need to listen to what you say - this is when you can let go and say your mind.

You can find your own insight there - after I have been to see my Therapist I have to ring LIfe Line to debrief - I so do

It's very hard work

Decadian

Hi @jamesle2015

Jamesle2015 It sounds like you are really down on yourself and discouraged that you have not 'made any progress' lately. Yet I can hear that you tried your best to go for a walk, even though you didn't get as far as you would've liked. It's important to celebrate these small achievements... for someone with agoraphobia, even going outside to get the mail from the mailbox can be a huge ordeal. You tried your best, but it's easy to beat yourself up if you feel like you're falling short of your bigger goals.

It is a symptom of OCD to experience intrusive, unwanted thoughts. They can be quite unusual, frightening, or shameful to the person experiencing them. I wonder if this is what you're describing? We have several members on here who live with OCD - @Kiera80 @Tyler01 @kenny66 @Matty who may relate to aspects of your story. Feel free to jump in and share your fellow wisdom too if you'd like. You may also know @Jacques on here, he also suffers from agoraphobia, and struggles to leave the house. He has talked about OCD symtoms before too. I wonder if he can relate to some of your experience? Feel free to jump in too Jacques if you'd like!

Take care Jamesle2015 🙂