Hot Chocolate Anyone ?

Morning. Having trouble sleeping. I need some help with how to structure my message to my mother. My mother has a personality disorder- more than likely narcissistic. I’m still coming to terms with this. I have booked my mother in to do aqua aerobics for this coming Friday. Did this last week before the explosive conversations I had with her on the weekend. Basically I don’t want to take her because of her poor behaviour and the way that she talks to me. But I am dealing with a MI person here. I was going to say I have put Friday on hold for now because I’m not going to go out of my way to do something nice for someone that talks to me poorly but she thinks she’s done nothing wrong and turns it back onto me. She will have a tantrum because she really wants to do it and has really looking forward to it. But I’m so tired of being treated like rubbish whilst I bend over backwards for get. I have to drive her there and back and help her in and out of the pool. Npd is really hard and I feel like it’s never going to stop and I feel trapped. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. This is the second sleepless night. Thank you.

Hi @Sonny1,
Sounds like a tough situation you are in.
I’m not sure what kind of message you want to send to your Mother. That you won’t take her? Or that you will take her to aqua robins with conditions.?
I wonder if there would be a volunteer service available through your local community centre? This would take time but may be an option.

Hi @Sonny1 ..... I have had close dealings with someone like this. I would like to suggest to you that what might seem like a normal way to deal with someone being rough and ready, but not accepting responsibility for their own behaviour are rather ineffective here.

What I have found works takes time. “you can’t beat a master at their own game” so taking them head-on is going to give you a headache, and not much positive outcome, if any. The long-term solution, for me, was this ......

“I’m sorry, I am not comfortable with the way you are talking to me. Can you please rephrase what you are saying, considering my feelings this time ?”

The response is undoubtedly some version of “get stuffed !!” ...,, at which point you calmly get up and leave the room. Conversation over.

Repeat this practice indefinitely.

You will get mocked .... referred to as overly sensitive / rude / ridiculous / ______ (fill in the blank). Ignore it al. She’s the one who wants to go to aqua aerobics ..... she’s the one who has to bend so that you will agree to take her.

Be mindful that she will no be able to tolerate any sort of superior attitude in you, which is actually self-defeating anyway, so be mindful not to be abrasive or smug yourself in terms of her discomfort ...,,, just remain empathetic, but empathetic towards yourself enough to prioritise how you feel.

Once you’ve got the hang of this, you will work out for yourself how to place passive-resistance boundaries across the landscape where you most need them.

Lecturing her in any sense is a completely lost cause ..... by my experience. The power balance in the relationship lies in mutual respect to achieve what everybody needs, and you can gradually achieve this with very little said.

Good morning @Catcakes ....., 👋☕️💕

How goes it ? Have you had a chance to call the hospital yet ?

Hi everybody ....., @Former-Member @Determined @Awpgirl @YTT @Smc @Former-Member @Former-Member @Medusa13 @Grasshopper3 @Shaz51 @Appleblossom ...... who am I missing ?

Anyone else around ? Hope it’s a calm and fruitful day for everybody.

Thank you @Catcakes and @Faith-and-Hope. I ended up calling my mother this morning as I was starting to feel sick. I just said that I am unable to take her to aqua aerobics on Friday. She got it but she went off. She’s just not coping with people putting rules in place about her spending. I didn’t say anything else just left it at that. @Faith-and-Hope you explained it perfectly. At the moment I just really struggle with watching her get so upset and struggle so much. It breaks my heart. But I have to sit with that discomfort and use this new strategy to look after myself. Thank you.

That’s it @Sonny1 ..... it’s hard, but necessary, and to her own happiness in the long run. It’s not good for her own character to be able to bluster her way all over everybody ..... but at the moment it’s all she knows.

Good for you ..... ❣️

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope. I just called Mum back and said I’m happy to take her next Friday if she speaks to me properly. It’s your choice. She blew up and said so it’s all my fault. Will leave it at that. She now knows what my expectation is. Her choice. No just having breakfast and working through these feelings. It’s the somatic feelings that get me. Thank you. I feel like I’ve made a turn in the right direction.