Hey @Former-Member-girl ..... glad you've got that kettle on ..... I'm gonna need a coffee and a rest to make it through the rest of the day ...
Wedding went beautifully ❣ A few dropped balls but you would have had to know what had been organised to understand what was out if place or less than expected .... but the mood and comfort le peel of the day ended up being spot-on .... and who can ask for more ?
WH was on his best behaviour, and actually gave up 1 x gym workout - probably wrote it off against the stuff he had to lift and carry for the morning - and 1 x jog for the day, which is sayin' something .... albeit he probably got up an hour earlier than his normal early hour for the first jog of the day ....
I wasn't expecting an emotional fall-out so soon after the wedding, but I'm feeling heavy today .... not for the fact that D1 is married now and moving on, although that will be in there somewhere ... but I'm trying to define it.
Think I have been keeping the ed in my peripheral vision as much as possible, but the wedding has caused WH and I to pull together for the day .... and he was trying sooo hard to be his best self while still being under the influence of the ed, which prevents him being his best self .... if that makes sense .... and it was so bitter-sweet that I am in tears even writing it down .... he even had a teaspoonful of wedding cake ❣
... and he has been the same with the other kids today, being the "mother hen". He made us beautiful breakfast , one you couldn't get him to eat in a pink fit .... and he doesn't seem to see any contradiction in that .... making a "family breakfast" while keeping himself outside of it, but eating his food at the same table with us .... it's not "eating together" in the real sense.
He then set up a family movie and plied them with chips and ice-cream, neither of which he will go near., It's comfort feeding them to soothe his own emotions I think.
So difficult to process the here-but-not-here and engaged-but-not-engaged. It's like an invisible wall, and he's stuck on the other side without realising it. It's what I have had to keep myself distracted from, but the distractions have all disappeared for the moment .... we have passed them all .... gearing up to go away will be the next one .... so the joy of the wedding is confused with the grief of the illness in this moment ....
Think I will sleep some of it off for a while .... thank you for holding me in the light .... really need it in this moment .... 😔
💐💐💐
