New to this forum

Hi all,

I am new to this forum and just learning to navigate my way around. I've read quite a few of the discussion threads and even contributed to one!

It is a new experience for me to try to share my experiences in an online forum. I usually keep all of this stuff to myself, or else share it with my counsellor (who is amazing, supportive and helps me so much). Last night though, I went to a support group for survivors of childhood trauma. So I feel I am maybe making some breakthroughs in being able to transcend the enormous sense of shame, aloneness and 'otherness' that has silenced me throughout my life. Many people who know me professionally or personally would have no idea of my inner torment, suicidal thoughts, sense of despair ... feelings that have lasted for decades with no sign of abating; in fact this year things have gotten worse due to some changed circumstances (ageing parents, stressful job, medical diagnosis of an auto-immune disease that came out of left field, etc). I feel I'm in meltdown mode almost every second and trying to hold it all together so I can just get through the day and complete my work duties and all else, without breaking down altogether. So I finally decided I needed an outlet, and I needed to learn to break through the shame and silence, and feel I am important enough to voice my feelings (something I have never felt, and something that I have been verbally and emotionally abused and criticsed for in my family of origin and to this very day by my mum). My siblings are absent -- physically/geographically and emotionally -- and trying to get any sort of support or warmth from my family is a lost cause. I phoned my father to wish him happy birhtday recently for a signifiant birthday and he swore at me and told me to go away (he has always had these tendencies, but is now worse as he is cognitively impaired due to a lifetime of alcohol abuse, and he is now in an aged care facility and very disengaged). I am in tears writing this because I have no support systems -- I am single and I feel my friends and colleagues do not understand because they have not had the same childhood experiences as me, so I am hoping that there might be people here who can understand.. I often have absolutely noone to talk to, even though I have many friends and even those who say 'is there anyway I can help?' - I feel I can't express what I'm going through. As a result, I am feeling increasingly isolated with every passing year and every day is a struggle to get through 😞 I'm trying to maintain some hope and positivity that things might change for the better, but it's very hard and often I feel that it's all on a downward spiral. Thanks for listening! Cheers, Maggie M.