My Heartbreak

Hi @LGT

This sounds really hard to live with. You have been so courageous across this time, and is heartbreaking to see this happening to the son you love so much. I hope you are receiving support from family, friends, your GP, and any other services you can find.

You have said he may have bpd, which he has never been tested for.

Do you have contact with his psychiatrist ?

Are you able to ask about testing ?

Are you able to ask the psychiatrist how to develop an action plan when his behaviour spills over to unmanageable ?

Keep reaching out, as you have done here. You need to be heard, and you are not alone. Others have faced what you are going through.

The Helpline for these forums is 1800 18 7263. Can you have a chat with them ? They have information and connections to services that may be able to help you.

Take care.

A few things come to mind when I read your story. @LGT

It is a tragedy when someone we love seems to deteriorate before our eyes. He may not be able to pursue a life with fulltime work and a family, but a lot of people are not that social and still live some reasonable life. Making the best of the situation may be the best approach, rather than wishing for what might have been.

Its important that you have some protection from violent flare ups.

Is there a way a small form of housing could be set up for him on the property. eg like a granny flat or an A frame or a container conversion. It might give him some sense that you do care. Legally you have the right to expect no illicit drugs on your own property. It could be leverage for him to be somewhat compliant and behave with you. He can probably do a lot of the building himself as he does have skills. I wouldnt be giving any more money though. It wont prevent violent outbursts .. maybe even fuel them ... sorry to say, but give him housing materials .. and encourage him to be somewhat self-sufficient.

Eg I made a statement to my son about illicit issues ... not that he is the same as your son ... but to ensure he knew which side of the law I was on .. when he was too young to know, but because I saw what happened between my mother and brother.

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post and reply.

It is, as you say, hard to accept things may never be right for my son. We don't want to abandon him because we know he would find it very difficult on his own. So many people tell us just let him go and let him fall on his face. I honestly believe he uses the drugs to escape his day to day struggles. The fact he has mental health issues makes us still want to help and protect him.

We have let him return home and had already done exactly as you said, set him up in a shed on our property. We are still really upset at the events over the last week and have set down rules about his entry into our home. He has agreed to go back to get counselling with regards to his drug addiction.

I wish I could feel this is heading in a positive direction but the past has shown me never to get my hopes up too high.

@LGT You sound like really caring parents who are taking the best loving care of your son that your situation allows you to.

When we were struggling with my husband's behaviour last year, when I would say it was in it's most random and hostile state so far, I bought a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T Mason and Randi Kreger. I didn't know whether it was bpd we were dealing with. It was all new to me. A psychologist I spent to see for moral support didn't think it was, but suggested I keep reading the book anyway. He said there were some parallels, and the understandings and strategies in the book might prove useful to me, which they did. You might find it helpful too.

Just keep loving him. That is perhaps the most powerful thing any of us can do, as much for ourselves as for the ones we love. I would say love is the most healing force known to man ...

Take care.

Just posting an update for my son. Unfortunately things have got a lot worse. He committed a crime on Saturday evening and is now in jail.

He is pleading for us to bail him out but his father and I are concerned about his mental stability and what harm he may do to himself. It is so hard to refuse him as he is so distraught but don't feel we can offer the safety he needs. We are experiencing so many different emotions. Hurt,anger,grief, and heartbreak just to name a few.

This is all so new to us and we are really struggling to cope.

Hi @LGT

Are there pastoral care services and / or psychological support services available through the jail ? It sounds like you need to seek support from professional services, and that your son requires treatment, and perhaps medication. It will be in their interests to work with his family to try to find a manageable solution on-going.

Certainly you need to make it very clear to the authorities that you will not be able to deal with this on your own. As with any care situation, if the carers become overwhelmed, you have the problem of needing to rescue them as well as the one initially being cared for.

Seek out support services wherever you can access them. It's likely other people on this forum will speak up from their personal experiences to help you make your way. Keep posting here with us. You won't be walking through this alone if you stay in touch with others. It is a steep learning curve, but that is what many of us have faced, and sized up to. It happens in steps and stages, not all at once.

Take heart. Keep asking questions and reaching out.