Needing Help...Connections...

Hi @lostconcerned

You have found a social circle here. I just wanted to let you know you are being heard. Members of the forum community will read your post, and some will start to respond with advice based on their experience and understanding.

It's clear that you are going through a very hard time, and that is something we can all relate to here. You are definitely not alone.

It sounds like you are doing a great job, but one of the most important aspects of being a carer is making sure you are cared for too. The first step is reaching out, particularly if you are in isolated or isolating circumstances, which you have just done. Stay with us, and keep talking. It's important.

Take care.

Yes, welcome to the forums @lostconcerned

Thanks too @Faith-and-Hope for the guidance.

I'm wondering if anyone has suggested Carers Victoria to you?

This would be a very good initial call, and further direction and supports could be offered from there!

'Carers provide care and support to family members and friends who have a disability, mental illness, chronic condition, terminal illness or who are frail aged.

We work closely with government and other support organisations to improve the lives of caring families throughout Victoria.'

Check them out here;

http://www.carersvictoria.org.au/about-us

Freecall 1800 242 636

Thank you so much for your replies. I can't stress how much this means to me. I'm hoping and looking to change things, so that both Mum and myself are having a quality life. I don't want to let mum down and I WILL be there for her no matter what.

Truth be told, I'm terrified of being left alone in this world too. I wear my heart on my sleeve and this has led to lots of pain 😕

We purchased a house together and moved from the family farm a little while after Dad passed on. I noticed that Mum was, for a better word, deteriorating beyond just grief (and this alone has been so hard for us) and I thought it would be for the best.

We purchased a house my mother loved..this move was meant to be the start of a more positive, happy, better life for us, but it's not worked out as plannned.

The new house is still too isolated and far from services. The house / property is just too big. I'm not the home handyman type of guy and the place needs lots of work (much of this was clevered covered up when we inspected the property).

Mum gets confused with rooms etc and simple tasks have become near impossible for her (cooking, washing, operating the microwave etc). I'm inundated keeping up with everything (I've never had this amount of responsibility...my Dad was always very sheltering to his children...this was a good and bad thing) and it's just overwhelmingly intense at times.

I feel so sorry for Mum, because she sometimes walks around the house aimlessly. It's also gut wrenchingly hard to see someone you love change like this...

Realistically I think it's wise to look at moving a little closer to facilities, walking distance to a decent number of shops, doctors etc and also to maybe live in 2 ajoining units. But it's all so daunting...this recent move was already a very difficult one...but we can't stay here long term and I want to make mum's life easier and better to manage for both us.

Anyway, I really do look forward to chatting and hopefully making friends...connections...

Thanks again...

Hi @lostconcerned

It must feel quite overwhelming for you, but you have taken the first steps towards change.

Even small changes can make a big difference. Perhaps your mum would benefit from a strongly structured approach to the day, like a step-by-step to-do list. That could be typed and printed out, and pinned up of the fridge or somewhere handy. Perhaps she is feeling forgetful within herself, or needs to be able to focus her attention on something. Having a daily program she can reference for herself may provide her with a little bit of independence in that way.

Does background music help ?

When my kids were small, I created a "house within the house" by closing off excess space - shutting doors to rooms we weren't using on a day to day basis, and keeping our living to the most basic rooms ie. if you have a dining room and a meals area, just using the meals area - same with formal and casual lounge areas.

Cook extra when preparing meals, and freeze half for another day.

Are there aged care day centres anywhere near you where your mum can spend time with others her age and make some new friends ? Some of her aimlessness might be wondering what to do with herself now, and this might give her something new to focus her attention on.

These are just a few thoughts. See how you go.

"It's also gut wrenchingly hard to see someone you love change like this ..." - Oh boy ! I can relate to this statement !!

Take care.

In theory a list sounds good, but my mum see's this as oppressive. The idea of getting locks put on the doors to unused rooms is not a bad idea and one I might look into in future. The right music cheers her up enough, but doesn't really influence things any further.

The hardest part is getting sleep...right now it's 2:09am and mum's angrily and defiantly determined to stay up...this makes it hard for me to obtain sleep during normal night time hours (and I'm not the best sleeper to begin with). Admittedly this is making me feel quite run down. It is also quite hard to find any time to myself...

Moving seems like not the best idea at the moment, as I'm not sure long-term if it would be beneficial...Mum is only just becomming vaguely familar with the layout of this place and I fear that another move would just make my life harder than it is now...so thinking of staying put and making the most of it...also, I just don't think I have the energy or stamina to build / move again myself...just feel exhausted.

Hi @lostconcerned

@Its likely to be a combination of a few different things coming together that will take some pressure off your situation. Perhaps there are respite carers available to come to you occasionally, and take your mum out somewhere, shopping perhaps, or spend time reading to her at home .... in any case, it will be important for you to find a little space for yourself sometimes.

Just connecting with others on the forums here can have that effect. There are others around to chat to across the day, and we understand what you're going through.

You might find someone up late on Hot Chocolate Anyone ? but that's a relatively new thread, and I haven't worked out whether many on the Carers Forum are night owls yet. There are plenty on the Lived Experience Forum under the Night Shift thread 🙂

Take care.

💐

Wow @Former-Member

I love what you have written here ...

You are a gold mine of experience and compassion !

While you are writing in support of @lostconcerned, this response will be very helpful to a wide range of people on these forums who share aspects of these same issues.

You have covered almost everything here - the isolation, grief, aged care, self care, dependence, independence, support services, etc

Thank you for sharing more of your personal story too. The adage "walk a mile in my shoes" promotes so much empathy and moral support.

I hope there is much here that you can draw on @lostconcerned, and I hope it helps you to see how interconnected we all are. You are not on your own in this situation. You have online support and friendships waiting here for you ...

Have a gentle day @Former-Member. See you around the forums 😊

Just now my mum gets a phone call from my middle brother concerning money that my siblings need for the family business to keep afloat yet again, and I'm the one who gets the moods and hatred afterwards. I have nothing to do with the business nor have I done since I was in my mid-twenties. My father wanted my sister and brother to have the business, it was a dying wish if you will. Anyway since the day Dad died they have took over and ran it virtually in the ground.

My concern has always been to get mum's name off the business as the company owner, as I always thought this could come back to haunt her. Anyway long story short, she has not been getting any income / assistance from the business and so far has shelled out 60,000 to my siblings to keep the shop out of debt...now it appears to be sold (and should've been at least 3 times before, but due to lazy legal errors and a greedy shop owner it fell through every time). Now they need another $7,000 tomorrow for the months lease and the new owners take over Wednesday.

Problem is I'm in the middle and feel indescribably overstressed about everything. My brother even went as far, as to say that I "have to be involved", despite my constant honest admissions that I can't handle everything anymore. I have depression / anxiety of my own and when it comes to mum's well being they aren't here to support me or their own mother what-so-ever...

Every time there is a problem in my siblings lives they come to the door, which doesn't do my mother any good either - be it financial, marital or otherwise. And in regards to the shop if mum doesn't pay off the debt she is the one who is chased up and held responsible...the gravity of which she doesn't comprehend / understand and thus it falls directly on to me.

I love mum, but she's so cruel at times. Tonight after speaking with my brother on the phone (harassing to pick mum up tomorrow early morning to take her to the bank to draw the money out for the lease) she comes back a completely different person...she says how she can't stand living with me...that I'm a burden to her, that I'm a coward (I rarely verbally fight back with her when she's like this, as most importantly I love and care about her...), she says that she hasn't been able to stand me for 10yrs now...

I am so sick of my life...it is NO life...it's really just a worthless, thankless, stress and angst ridden existence and I don't know for how much longer I can keep fighting through...my siblings get the best of my mum, despite all the drop at our door and I get the crap...one small gesture of help or a brief visit and they are praised for their efforts...meanwhile I do everything I can here and it's never good enough...

I appreciate all the advice and in theory it's all good material, but it's not applicable to my situation...at least not enough to make it better...

Taking care of mum has changed my whole world. I've helped support us for 12months...spent my life savings, because my mum forgets about the money she has available to her and I'm tired of arguing. She is so defiant and stubborn at times...it really effects things. I'm unable to leave her...unable to find work...ebay isn't cutting it sales wise...I'm really not in a good place.

Sometimes I could honestly just take off and disappear...but my consciousness, loyalty and guilt always gets the best of me...and besides I wouldn't have any money to do so now would I... 😞

Mum's just returned after a sudden and unpleasant departure 20mins ago and asked if she wants me to sit up with her for a while...her way of apologising...or perhaps she just doesn't realise the impact of the things she says...I'm just really tired and feeling alone right now...