Dark place

@Former-Member I’m glad you are feeling better. 💕💕

Hi @Maggie

thank you for checking in. I'm not ok.

I went to that lake today that I wrote about in the other thread. There is growth and wildlife again. It's hard to believe that it had dried out for a couple of years during the drought. It's hard to believe that it is nearly a year since evacuation orders were issued due to the bushfires. Thankfully our town didn't burn down, but in the neighbouring town volunteers died & many areas burnt to the ground.

I have, not yet conflict, but something else with my partner at home. Life has changed so much for the two of us in the past few years, I understand that everything I go through must be incredibly difficult for him, we've know eachother for a long time. I think we can't look after eachother anymore and have fallen or are falling out of love. I don't want him to feel responsible for me anymore and I don't want to ruin his life anymore.
It's raining here, I'm living on a hill and can see in the distance. A rainbow has just appeared. It makes me sad when I think about the symbolism of a rainbow in my personal life, I don't even know why the rainbow is a sign for lgbt+
Take care Maggie xox

@Former-Member I’m sorry you are not ok. I’m also sorry you are having problems with your partner. It makes trying to get through the tough times so much harder.

Im listening. Take care.

Here with you @Former-Member . I hope you and your partner can find ways to heal, be it together or apart. Like the land, there's always going to be new growth.

I think the rainbow is supposed to symbolise that human experience (in this case, attraction) is not black and white, it exists on a spectrum. Sometimes that means we're in the dark end, where it's cold and blue. Other times we're in the bright end, all warm and yellow.

Whatever you make of the symbol is up to you of course, but I hope you find yourself in that warmer place in your life soon 💜🌈

@Maggie 💚

don't know if I'm better off with or without my partner. It's been a tough few years for him dealing with me when I was acutely ill. He deserves a better life.

@Jynx

that's a lovely way to see the rainbow, I think for me it's other land. There are many rainbows in other land. There are no people in other land. I'm planning to visit other land soon 😃🌈💚 I can be peeeeetah paaaaaaan in other land 😊

@Former-Member 💕💚💙💜❣️

@Maggie 💚🌈🎨

I'll paint tonight to stay here. Is there a thread throughout the night where I can paint or talk with others until I sleep?

@Former-Member Sorry, I missed your post last night. I had logged off.

I hope you found some colour during the night. There is a Night Shift thread, but often depends if someone is up. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

I hope today is a bit easier for you. Take care. 🌈🌈💕💕🎨🎨

Hi @Maggie

how are you? How's your weekend? Are you having wild storms? We've had a lot of thunder and lighting and lots and lots of Rain.

I'm scared about the other day. I lose control. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I've been thinking for a long time now, that I'll eventually lose the fight and if I don't survive I wonder why I should be putting people through misery again and again. When I feel like that I think that I'd do everyone a favour. I don't even think about missing my loved ones, I think about why put them through it again. I'd only been out of hospital a week, I can't keep going back. I couldn't get hold of helplines and eventually I was out of reach so I was just sitting there on my own in the forest. I can't say more than that, I know it's not ok to talk about details.
Anyway, I made it home. I've been doing art & craft and settled a bit. I'm just worried that I'll lose the fight. I don't want to fight anymore.

Hi @Former-Member

It is Whitehawk the moderator. It sounds like you have been going through a lot of fear and darkness of late and I am sorry you could not get hold of the helplines when you needed support. I know that the major helplines are experiencing a big increase in demand these days and I encourage you to keep trying, I am pleased that you are home now and a little settled. I am sure everyone on the forums truly hope that you can continue to fight and that you can get the support you need Aeiou. Please take care and I hope you are able to get some rest tonight,

cheers

Whitehawk