The importance of Family when coping with a Mental Illness

Hmmm, family...

When I was a younger woman I saw my immediate family as the source of all my mental illness and still know this to be partly true. You know the kind of story: violence, addiction, poverty, neglect, abandonment. I was an only child, meat in the sandwich of my parent's extreme relationship. Felt blamed for the way things were. A withdrawn, socially phobic, miserable child a lot of the time who happened to get very good grades despite missing a lot of days at school year after year. I was very lonely.

I believe I've been mentally ill since I was a small child, partly due to this early life, partly due to genetics, brain chemistry, learned behaviours. At the same time I've always known that, deep down, my parents loved me enormously. How contradictory is that? Not so surprisingly, it hasn't gone very smoothly with my parents over my adult life. Ran away from home at 16. At my mentally worst in my late twenties, I broke contact with them completely for about seven years. This I regret for the hurt it caused them.

Both of them have had very hard lives. Dad passed in 2003. Mum is still around at 80 and she and I have developed a very loving relationship at a distance now. We live in different states and get to see each other only about once a year, when I usually go down and stay with her. Dad and I had a good letter writing relationship going for some time and, for a while before he died, we had broken through to saying, 'I love you', to each other. It seemed a miracle for that to be spoken out loud and I'm so grateful for it.

It's taken a long time but there has been healing. I remember more of the occasional good times we had together as a family as I'm getting older now. Despite it all I'll love them forever as I know they have always loved me.

Hi @Mazarita

Ditto - mental health issues can result from a combination of ills and can be complex in my life experience. It's recognising the triggers - whether that be psychological scars (i.e. being mentally afflicted in a abusive environment such as our childhood home as you describe, hurts, learned behaviours; i.e. anxiety can be a learned reaction in some cases); or/and physical disorders ( brain chemical imbalances caused by genetics and/or stress, trauma, burn out, constant worry, disease, nutritional deficiency, substance abuse and so on); together or alone with triggers such as low self esteem/confidence, lonliness, guilt, loss, grief, unemployment, ongoing unspoken emotional pain, witnessing a sudden death/accident, feeling worthless and helpless, inturned anger and the list goes on.

i.e. Isolation/lonliness can trigger a major depressive episode and chronic anxiety. Happening more frequently in the elderly and is overlooked/neglected. The elderly have the highest suicide rate in this nation.

Any of these factors can promote distorted perception to some degree and the duration and severity depends on the extent of the trauma, disease, stress, hurt, chemical imbalance etc, and to what insight/guidance/support we are offered at the time. To have the right guidance/advice/treatment in the suffering stage is vital towards a good outcome. It's not always what we want to hear or do.

Some can be experiencing one of these issues, or a few and some all at once! (sending some over the edge if not addressed). MI is complex and individual for everyone not just based on one single factor we can blame - but others having suffered similar can relate to the pain, recognise some of the triggers and empathise - sharing what helped them. And the fact of knowing that we are not alone/understood/accepted helps ease the distress.

By recognising the trigger/s we can work on coping strategies/treatments that adequately address the causes enhancing mental health. It takes courage, determination, resilience, hard work, positivity and faith in oneself.

An individual whom works on the triggers and either overcomes MI or controls it to where they experience a quality of life are going to be "the strongest individuals you will ever meet".

Your story was beautiful @Mazarita. You are one amazing person just beautiful x

@Former-Member, you make good sense in what you say. There are still many things I struggle with and many things that are lacking about me in real life terms. But again, I thank you for your kind words. x

@Mazarita We all share that human struggle with you my friend. Words can make sense but sometimes our feelings don't and then trying to apply it isn't easy, I know. That's when we have to take a leap of faith.

I still strive for greater inner and outer peace which I will probably play out along this journey of life until I succeed; and which I am currently lacking somewhat due to stress and fear (husband sick). I fear losing him. How will I cope without him? And I feel I should be stronger than that and should be more focused on him; left feeling I fall short. All that's left then is giving it all I got taking that leap.

There is something lacking in us all - it's what we do about it that counts. And reaching out for help when the pain overwhelms helps and is a sign of strength. As long as we do our best and not give up, not give in to destructive ways/thoughts that hurts us; that's all any of us can do. And to focus on the good around us and the good we do. That's enough for now.

It's what we focus on outside or within us that will either bring us down or lift us up. I try to think of and look for the good. That helps.

And finding that life purpose that gives it meaning helps to fill up that hole..

It's worth the fight my friend just to be able to experience those special happy, fulfilling moments in life offering us a balance in life's shade of grey; and we all strive for this in our own way. To live in the moment feeling free - to live for moments of happiness. Believe in you. It will happen. xx

Here's a photo of a plant in my garden that gives me a lift when feeling down. My heavenly-scent Angel Trumpet. It reminds me of the beauty in the world. I hope it gives you a lift as well @Mazarita There is nothing quite like the healing power of nature to make us smile. Hugs xx

Wow, @Former-Member, your trumpet flower plant is amazing! Thanks for sharing it, and for taking such time in responding to me. I am doing well at this time, incomparably better than a year ago when I first arrived here at the forum. I have the support of others in my real life and here on the forum, as well as my own efforts, to thank for that. And luck. And the great spirit of life itself too of course (wouldn't be here at all without that!) Once we get going on a list of gratitudes, it can seem an endless task.

I am sorry for your husband's illness. My partner has had a health scare recently too. I recognise the fears you are describing. Let me reassure you that, from what I read of you here, I know you will be giving so much of your energy to him and that you are likely not falling short at all. There is room, even when focussing our support on others, to remember ourselves. Your faith will be giving you additional strength and solace, no doubt. Over this hard time, I wish you strength and healing, for your husband and for yourself. x

Thank you @Mazarita - that really means a lot to me. Its good to read that you have much support and recognise the good in your own efforts and to how far you have come. That's a real achievement 🙂 Its also good to know that someone out there understands how I feel. I have friends but can't talk to them and open up to that extent with them as I can on here x Your post meant a lot and strengthened me.

@Former-Member - We can only give so much until the life is sucked out of us. Sometimes it's knowing when to move away when you have given your all. It's up to your family now. Maybe it's time to give yourself a break and lean on us here. If we go down we are no good for our loved ones anyway. Be kind to yourself and rest, put your feet up, block out the world and do something really relaxing for you tonight. Visualise yourself walking along my favourite path below and let this soothe you 🙂

If my family don't want to know me - well at least I have some friends on here that have been so much more loving that my own family have, especially my parents.

Thank you to everyone. I don't feel so alone now (tears down my face)

Not alone @Former-Member ❤️❤️❤️