The importance of Family when coping with a Mental Illness

I'm so glad your family now supports you @Tyler77. I wasn't correctly diagnosed until age 46 and had decades of strife with my family before that. Since I told them about bipolar 1 they have educated themselves (with my help!) and things are pretty smooth now.

Great that you have started this thread 🙂

Hello @Tyler77 and all,

My husband was my rock, my family that helped me through when I went over the edge. No one else was there. It is so important to have unconditional loving/compassionate support in our darkest hour - to me that's the essence of healing. So happy that your family is now there for you x

@Tyler77,

This is such a relevant question and important conversation.

I am fortunate enough that my first episode was significantly noticable, and that rather than gaining assertiveness I was rather passive.

All the same, family was very much supportive, and I think without that, I wouldn't have had the safe space I had for so many years, that enabled me to grow to manage myself so well.
There's a delicate balance though, a difference between being supportive and being a crutch. I think my parents managed this well. They never pandered to delusions or unhealthy habits. But acknowledged the struggle with sincere, unconditional love. They took physical blows from me and while a lot of times this meant hospitalisation for me, it was only ever a consequence when needed. If I ate well and was keeping myself safe, I got sent back home.

I know someone who found themselves in a situation where their behaviour deviated. In time it turned out that they were in an abusive relationship, but at the time their parents had no idea. All empathy was thrown out the window, a lot of the words 'consequence' and 'punishment' were thrown about. It all culminated in them being kicked out of the family home. Thankfully it didn't end as badly as it could have.


I think such stories are evidence of the power of stigma. While I had an MI, behaviours I exhibited meant a reaction of compassion. Whereas my friend was judged, I assume their parents themselves judged their own parenting, assumed their child naughty, tried to fix what they thought they could have done better before, and lost sight of emotion in the here and now that they were faced with.

Considering my experience and comparing it to experiences where parents throw their hands up, has been rather helpful for me to understand the usefulness of mindfulness, CBT, and emotional coaching (the latter is something I'm learning now, as a parent.)

Hi @Tyler77

I'm glad that your family are supportive towards your mental illness. That is so good.

For me, unfortunately my parents disowned me and haven't spoken to me for 5-6 yrs, when I told them of my memories of being abused as a child. I suffer depression, anxiety and BPD and still no support from them or my siblings.

My husband does support to a certain extent although he likes to 'shut it out' and not deal with me having a mental illness. My three kids are now adults ( in their 20's) and they understnd what i am going through and are very angry towards their grandparents. Because they have been abandoned as well.

So if it wasn't for my few very close friends and my children who i love so very much i don't know where i would be now.

I would love my parents to love me unconditionally but unfortunately this will never be the case. It hurts, yes but i have no option than to go through this without their love and support.

Massive hugs to you, @BlueBay.

I can relate to husband being a bit 'la la la' and out of depth.

Great friends are amazing though, I find. While my family is supportive, I definitely say my friends are a whole different level of supportive. It would be a massive hurt if my parents had done what yours have, in fact I am still amazed that someone I know is now in contact with their parents as they had at one point done just that. But I would be glad to have amazing friends on my side.

It is reassuring to hear that your children are attuned to you. You sound an amazing mum. x

thanks @eth and @Former-Member. Im glad your familiy stuck by your side during the worst of times. Its so important to have a solid support base.

Hey @Sehnsucht Yea, had the hospitalizations and the doctors taking time to explain the illness to my family not occured, I would have been outcasted like your sister. In fact I was for several years until they finally realized its not entirely my fault. But, my sister tolerates me more than I'd say practices unconditional love. She knows that if she picks on me for my position and behavior that she'll be seen unfavorably since i am MI. But prior to that diagnosis, she was unrelenting whenver she was around, picking on me. What a difference a accurate diagnosis and doctors that have your back can make!

Hi @BlueBay, Sorry to hear your family reacted the way that they did. Sadly, this is all too common an occurance. Many people I know at the clinics I go to have noone to fall back on. The treatment team is their rock and subtitute family. I was there for awhile, so I know what its like. I can admit that I was angry at them and the world for that matter because I felt abandoned. To me loyalty is very important, through good times and bad. Sometimes i think the only reason they accepted me back into the family was because shunning someone who has bad behavior is okay in many peoples opinion, but shunning them when they have MI and are sturggling, is not seen as admirable in the community. I caused my family much embaressment growing up, and they wouldnt invite peiple over to the house, because i was so unpredictable. Even though I am back in my family, unlike everyone else who has their pictures somewhere in the house, there are none of me. Because they dont want to invite people over and get into a conversation about "oh who's that?" So in a way, I am back in the family, but i am definitly the black sheep still. I hope eventually your family will realize that your suffering and did not chose to have the issues you have. Its tough going through life without many people.

Hi @Tyler77,

It sounds like your parents have basically been great, although the thing with not having your picture up in their house is a bit unusual. I don't know what to make of that.

I think most of us have some kind of strained relationship with our parents. Sometimes I think this is a factor in why most of us got sick with MI in the first place. Well, in my case, anyway, it definitely was a factor.

My parents were very old-fashioned and very strict in many ways. I began my problems with MI at 8 years of age. I started having huge panic attacks that didn't seem to be related to anything in particular... I just had some very weird, obsessive thoughts that scared the life out of me. I was quite unwell at times as a child; I even think I lost contact with reality there for a while.

Unfortunately for me, my behavior didn't really reflect how bad my panic attacks were, so my parents never sought treatment for them. I was teary and withdrawn a lot of the time, but I suppose that if you are a busy parent, then having a withdrawn child is way more convenient than having a child who acts out, being violent or uncontrollable. Poor me! I was quietly going insane and no-one really did anything about it. I suppose it seems inconceivable now, but this was rural Australia in the 1970's. Plus, my Mum didn't have a lot of friends to confide in.

As an adult, I was first diagnosed with depression at 35 years of age. Again, my behavior was normal, but my thoughts were out of control. I was having massive panic attacks all the time and my mind was racing out of control. I was terrified of my own shadow.

When I told my parents that I had to go see a psychiatrist, they didn't say much at all. Over the following days, they didn't even call me to see how I was doing. It was like I basically had never told them anything and it was 'business as usual' for them. I felt ignored and unimportant and I guess this is the way I always felt around them.

My parents were probably people who should never have had kids, really. They have seriously influenced my decision never to have children, either.

My Mum passed away last year, but up until then, I never felt comfortable talking about my depression and anxiety around my parents. It was just easier to pretend that it didn't exist, for the most part.

My sister and a few of my closest friends were more supportive and made some effort to understand me. The thing is, I look normal and I act normal and apart from drinking alcohol at all hours (when I'm experiencing anxiety, that is) I don't appear to be suffering. One of the last G.P's I saw even hinted that I was wasting his time!

I suppose I sound quite resentful and at times I am.

There is just a lot of misunderstanding out there as to what MI is and how someone who has depression should act.

My sister even consistently says "you shouldn't drink so much" when the irony is, she drinks more than I do!! It's just that she confines her drinking to after 5 pm and does it for social reasons.

@Tyler77 - thank you so much. Great topic, and a very interesting one for us all to explore further.

Oh-kay... time for a quick warning label to what I'm about to write... I'm quite hypomanic at the mo-mo, and just getting rid of the sparks from my fingertips. There's lots of kind-of waffle about seemingly disconnected things in what I'm about to write, but I hope I get some kind of unifying message coming across.

Time will tell. This could be just another Silenus ramble...

[Sqwaaaaarrrrrrrk!!!]

Gaaaaaaah!!!

Damn you Cyril! Not again!

Sorry peeps... I have an imaginary pet parrot called Cyril. He sits constantly on my shoulder. Usually he's pretty quiet, but recently I've trained him to squawk at me whenever I use my habitual self-deprecation. As a kid, I used self deprecation often as an ice-breaker or deflector shield, or just for humorous effect. It followed me into adulthood. I need to observe whether there is any deeper-seated negative self-talk or previously unidentified behavioural pattern or trait that's hidden under the old hood here [taps head several times, sounds of hollow wood].

[Sqwaaaaarrrrrrrk!!!]

Cyril!!!

So, I trained Cyril to squawk at me whenever I use self-deprecation, so I can be Mindful of it and be aware and ready to gain insight.

My simple little Muppet way of finding out which fists are doing the talking... hahaha...

[Sqwaaaaarrrrrrrk!!!]

Gaaaaaaarrhhh!!!

Not again, Cyril! Damn you...

You see, peeps, Cyril has taken it upon himself to modify his own training - art mirroring life, really. He has joined the Self Evolution Revolution, and has improved himself. Alas, his improvement on top of the training to just squawk that I gave him, is that he now poops on my shoulder every time I self-deprecate too...

Cyril sometimes then says "Kaaaawwwk! Defecate self-deprecate"...

Really, Cyril? This is what you do with Self Evolution and Mindfulness and Krishnamurti and all of that stuff?

[Sqwaaaaarrrrrrrk!!! Flaps wings...]

...

...

...

Thank you Cyril, for not pooping on my shoulder that time... fancy a cracker?

[...whispers to audience in exaggerated stage whisper behind concealing hand...]

Shhhhhh peeps... don't tell Cyril, but I'm personally very grateful that he hasn't added tightening his claws on my shoulder to the personal development checklist...]

Anyhoo... as you've already witnessed, this is another Si ramble... apologies to any who object...

@Tyler77 @Sehnsucht @BlueBay @Former-Member @Sahara - thank you for contributing very thought provoking personal experiences about family and MI. Very emotional stuff, too...

Wow. The way our nearest and dearest react is truly an important thing that can do much to shape the probabilities of a positive and healing health outcome, both physically and mentally; not just for the identified individual diagnosed with MI, but for the family unit and close friends as well, even into the greater community...

Heck! Everyone can benefit from realising MI as a problem every single human being has. None of us have got it right. We are all struggling with things. Even the Dalai Lama has issues. I don't doubt that for one second...

The word "Normal" is one of my least favourite words, by the way. It assumes that there is then an "Abnormal". And who, by the way, is the one who will be able to define this word "Normal"? Stigma comes from this concept of "Normal". The "Abnormal" are made to feel... well... you guys and gals know it... @Sehnsucht's very interesting discussion and brilliant multi-armed Martian analogy in (sorry, my bad, can't remember the conversation name) hit that nail on it's head well and truly with different perspectives and understandings of the state of some things...

So, not just diagnosed and labelled people. All people can benefit from self improvement in meaningful ways. This includes people who are seen as just "being bad", or serial cheaters, or wild ones, or small time crooks or unreliable workers burning through multiple jobs, etc., etc....

People engaged in behavioural "acting out" or with anti-social issues are just another type of mental oddity which needs to be explored. I keep banging on about it, but I firmly believe that every single living human being has Mental Health Issues. Would a healthy person do what so many people in our society are doing?

I could point the finger at politicians and all of that flag waving stuff, but I'm not into that any more. I will simply say that I believe the rulers of politics, the rulers of commerce, and the rulers of religions could do better in building a better world sooner, a more loving and compassionate world. I see a world where the Dalai Lama is the norm, not the exception... (as opposed to "Normal"... hahaha...)

And in my usual banging away at things approach - sorry for sometimes repeating myself and being overly wordy - hypomanic at the moment... giggle...

... where was I?

Oh yes, that's right...

It is my considered opinion that if we all heal ourselves and make ourselves better people through the process of Self Evolution, then automatically we are changing the whole world for the better. When you are more resilient, more balanced within yourself, better able to cope (through the often long process of self healing and self evolution), you have the excess energy and capacity (emotionally as well) to easily deal with most of the things life throws at you. At the same time, you even have excess energy to be supportive of others (in a healthy balanced way).

This spreads like ripples throughout people. Someone smiles at you. Such a simple thing. Or someone compliments you on your hair or the quality of your work. These simple things have the power to change whole societies in my opinion. Even the whole world...

I complimented a lovely lady at the local independent fruit and veg shop a few days ago. I like to think that I am an observant person - I people watch all the time - and I could see that the men and women working at the shop looked a little tired. So I said to the lady who was arranging all of the fruit and veg on the shelves and display cases... "I love what you've done with the fruit and veg. You've arranged them in such a beautiful appealing way. Thank you for that..."

The smile she shot me was one of gratitude, thankfulness for appreciation of her effort, and just pure joy. It was a delight to behold. The acceptance of the gift honours the giver...

Here are these ripples, flowing through society. She thanked me with a smile in her voice, and we talked briefly about her day. She said that they had just taken over the ownership of the fruit and veg shop a couple of weeks ago, and were still settling in to it, getting used to the different hours and long hours, and so forth...

I thanked her again, and assured her she was doing a great job. Then I spoke for a short while to the lovely lady at the register...

Ripples...

I felt better. They felt better...

Kind of like what happens when we reveal our issues to our nearest and dearest. First there are the fears and doubts - will I speak of my diagnosis or fears or [whatever I am going through]? Will I be judged? Will they see me differently? Will they understand? Will they accept? Will it have a positive effect and help to explain (not excuse) some of my past actions and behaviours and words?

All of these fears and doubts before we navigate our way to disclosure. Then there is the larger decision of disclosure about having MI to regular "normal" people outside the close family and dear friends. Do I tell strangers I meet, if it comes up in conversation? Do I initiate that conversation? All of that sort of stuff...

When we doubt, we're out...

All of that doubt, and we often end up being paralysed by fear or over-thinking, and let the opportunity slide for a potentially life-saving conversation or chance to connect with someone about something...

To talk about it or not to talk about it, that is the question...

Reveal and deal, or doubt and pout... hahaha...

[Sqwaa...]

[Cyril relaxes, fluttering his wings gently]

Sharing our stories. Heck, that's exactly what I've been doing here on this fine community forum dedicated to the interconnection of peeps who have mental health issues or peeps who are carers...

There's another aspect to consider about all this, too. The Internet...

How has a manufactured intellectual construct - the Internet - changed things for us all? How has it challenged our understanding of what reality means? How can we learn from Nature, and return to it in ways that are meaningful?

The world mind grows a little closer to unity with Nature. You know, all that Hippy stuff nobody really believes in any more, because the drugs and free love blew it all away with hedonism...

I don't necessarily believe in a world mind, per se... but... hey, who knows? The Internet is turning into a huge hive mind of sorts...

As an aside, it has been wonderful for me as an electrical engineer and occasional computer programmer in several languages to watch what the Internet is turning into, how it changes over time. I was there in the earlier days, when there were Atari systems, and Commodore 64 and Apple IIe computers. Windows was 3.1 (not yet 3.11 for workgroups), and UNIX systems were the serious thang for government and "mission critical" systems. Then some while later, a free variation of UNIX called Linux was starting to appear in several separate flavours.

And, after years and years, Google presented us with the Android platform, which is on many phones, tablets and (increasingly) smart televisions. The underlying operating system is Linux, a freely distributable source code community of people, connecting with each other to improve things just because they can...

...Just because they like to make things better. No payment necessary. Just volunteering to help out for the greater good...

Goodness me! Soon they will be painting me red and calling me a Communist... hahaha...

But a modified type of social communism can be a wonderful thing... instead of all this tiresome trying to make money from it or commodify it or screw people over selling rip-offs, or whatever... make it less about money, and more about doing good...

But society forces us into being slaves to the social requirements for money. All of these problems in our society, caused by inequality and social injustice. Why?

It is intriguing to see what social media has meant for the "hive mind" or social consciousness, or even how we interconnect and interact with each other, or how we consume information, entertainment and infotainment. We are changing fundamental wirings in our minds as we speak (or type), interacting with anonymous projections of people on the Internet right now...

in a partnership or team environment, with the spirit of everone working together to make changes in their own lives that help the overall relationships to heal each other and themselves.

Wouldn't a couple of sensible nice people who have love and compassion and a modicum of common sense just meet up and work things out? That particular type of method works wonders to solve some breathtakingly complex life situations.

Team work... all of us working together. In partnership. Then we are strong. That is the ideal situation for our family and friends and whoever else we include in our life stories. Partnership.

Work together to meet in the middle in some things, come to an understanding and acceptance in other things.

Communication. It works wonders. Open and honest, with all the ground rules laid out so there are fewer misunderstandings...

For the record, I told my parents about having been diagnosed with depression (then bipolar), and about seeing a psych. Their response wasn't all that I had hoped for, but it is what it is, and should not be too harshly judged. Mum developed selective deafness or amnesia, and never acknowledged the conversation. Dad stewed on it for a little while, then came up with the gem that he thought anyone who needed to see a psychologist was weak. He then went on to describe the numerous real and very horrid traumatic childhood events he lived through as a ward of the state, born out of wedlock in 1936 in Switzerland, a very conservative country. The things he went through were... shudder...

But his take on it was that he dealt with it himself. Why seek help outside?

I both agree and disagree with his conclusions. Yes, we are each of us ultimately responsible for our own conduct, our own health and wellbeing. But...

Sometimes we need help and support, and this should never be seen as a weakness. My father's take is that sickness is weakness. Power through it! Overcome it! be strong!

I like that approach. Except when I am too weak to actually do it...

Then I need help. And that is why I wish that my parents had responded differently...

I try not to focus too much on how my parents and other family and friends have or have not helped me or hindered me. Ultimately, I am responsible to myself alone to do all that I can to evolve and improve, learn and accept, heal and understand, and share love and compassion... in this, I can see some of my father's point of view...

But I am hugely grateful that my lovely partner and I are very communicative and do very well in navigating our various head things that pop up from time to time. It helps to have that support and understanding, even if it's just walking away for a while, shaking your head and saying "Whatever...". Sometimes this head stuff makes no sense whatsoever, and emotions don't follow logic's path. Women have a better intuitive understanding of this than men do, generally, for they are closer in touch with their feelings. But even that is changing for the better, I feel (pun intended)...

Thank you for putting up with another hard to decypher Si ramble...

[Sqwaaaaaarrrrkkk!!!]

Oh Cyril... it was a clean shirt...

Hi @Silenus

I think in our parents day there was a strong stigma attached to any mental health issues that those who struggled with such were seen as weak, feeble minded individuals needing "to toughen up" and "get over it". Especially where men were concerned. I am glad that this misperception of MI is starting to change with better education/knowledge/communication of the true essence and suffering of such mental anguish and forums such as these being created that enlighten carers/loved ones; and also where people can reach out for support. It's a vital community lifeline. Something our parents never had the privilege of unfortunately so could only rely on their own strength and attempt in their best intentions to pass this on.

Si how are you doing? I know that you have been faced with stressful life events recently such as seeking new employment/change of career path and a new residence. How are you going with the latter? Is all well? Thinking of you x

@Former-Member There definitly was and is still a stigma attached to mental illness. But being able to blame it on chemicals in the brain and not character flaws or bad parenting has really helped people with Mental illness and their families, better fit in with society and the ideals they try to promote....