Wife not well

What a challenging situation you're in @wombats! Sorry to hear about the lack of willingness to meet halfway on the counselling and working together to improve the situation. Is your wife wanting to go home to be closer to her dad, or is she just trying to find something from her youth to help distract from what's going on here? Does she talk to you much about what is drawing her back to NZ? Always difficult when communication breaks down in a relationship, but even more so when children are involved. It seems you're really trying and doing what's asked of you to try fix things.

One thing that we can think of (from the SANE factsheet - How to help in a crisis) is to contact the local Crisis Assessment and Treatment Team (CATT) through the closest major public hospital. In some parts of Australia, they are called Psychiatric Emergency Teams (PET). This is useful when the person affected might not agree there is any risk, or might not be willing to reach out for help.

The CATT/ PET is a multi-disciplinary team with Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Social workers and Nurses who provide assessment and support for people who are in crisis with mental illness. Their phone lines are staffed 24 hours a day.

Sending you love

thanks @Ali11, I appreciate your thoughts. I'm sorry I should have said regional, not rural, we live near Albany.

My wife has wanted to return to NZ for a while, she basically hasn't lived there since she was 18. I have never said no to going there, I have just said that we need jobs there before moving. Even more so now that we have kids. She is planning on going if she gets a part time job. I don't believe this is a good idea, again the kids and we have a mortgage here. But she cannot be swayed, this is something my wife has always had - blinkered vision when she wants something. I think it is getting worse, but maybe it is just the situations are more important now. Probably a bit of both. She is appliying for jobs all over NZ, so it isn't specifically to be around her dad or friends there. She has often 'run away' from issues and I think this is one of those cases. No real intention/ditrection, just wanting out/away.

I am fairly certain that most of the people she knows don't think so well of me anymore. She works at the school our eldest attends, and at a parent/teacher meeting in the last couple of weeks, most of the staff from the school were in the room. Every other year it has just been us and our son's teacher. I am fairly sure there is a bit if 'transferance' of her father's alcoholism onto me. Maybe it is my wishful thinking, or she may want to get away from the mess she has created.

I have said that I will move, but I would like to find a new job first. I have just finished my PhD (I was working full time and doing this in my spare time), so I'm looking for a job in that field. I have said to her that I also don't want to move to NZ if I am looking for work, as there is every chance I will get a job somewhere else, which will then mean moving again. I don't want to sound full of myself, but I think moving for an academic position make more sense than moving for a ppart time administrative job. On top of all this we have no where near the money needed to relocate.

Thank you for the advice on CATT/ PET - I will see what is available in Albany

Hey @wombats, we're checking in to see how you are. Please let us know whenever you can.

Hi @Ali11

I'm ok, thanks for asking.

Not much happening here (blessing and a curse). My wife is still aplying for jobs, but I think the selling things has calmed down. Looks as though her spending has cranked up though.

I ended up talking to mental health folks at the hospital - they can't do anything as my wife is in control of her actions/behaviour. So no help for my wife there.

My counsellor is back at work, I saw them yesterday which was good. Kind of gave me a bit of hope that maybe my wife will calm down/get help, and I was given a few things to think about how I can help (i.e. think more about what emotions (underlying causes) might be going through my wife when she cranks up, than trying to fix/address the resulting behaviour).

I've spoken to centrelink about the parental pay and child support, they know what is going on, but there doesn't seem much thay can do.

I have lawyer appointments next week to talk about kids and finances, see where I stand etc. I don't like doing it but I don't feel as though I have a choice. I realise they are doing there job, but there is no 'gentleness' involved - but I guess that is the law, not lawyers. Also want to talk to them about my folks seeing the kids. My mum hasn't seen the kids for a year now with all this and I want to find a way for this to happen that isn't going to make my life hell.

I guess at the moment, I'm just hoping that something will change. I mentioned to my counsellor yesterday that I wasn't sure how long I could just wait for change while running around (ineffectively) trying to make it happen. Their reasonable response was that I would know when I had had enough of it. So I guess I'm just waiting for one or the other

Good to hear you're doing ok. That advice from the counsellor about being aware of the underlying emotions sounds like it could be helpful @wombats, have you noticed yourself feeling differently when you approach conversations like that? Sounds like you're doing all you can to be prepared for any outcome, that's not a bad thing to be doing. You're still trying to improve the situation in the meantime and that's important. Hopefully your mum gets to see the children soon

Thanks again @Ali11, the support on this forum is awesome.

I haven't had a opportunity yet to try out focussing more what may be hitting underlying issues (and the associated emotions responsible for what I see), than the result. My wife has been fairly level the last few days (since Wednesday night) which has been nice.

We're so happy to hear that things appear to be level at the moment @wombats, we hope that this continues into the weekend. Do you have any plans for Saturday and Sunday?