I am having a tough time.

That sounds really tough @Eden1919 It is never easy when things in the past come back and give us more grief. Those flashbacks are so hard to deal with. Very much hearing you there. I hope you can find support soon - 7 and a half months is a long time without any support. It is not good that you feel like you are slipping but it is good that you can recognise that within yourself. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this?

@Zoe7 nope i dont have anyone i can talk to. I am conflicted on that because part of me wants to talk about it because it is so stressful but then i knind of also know that at this point and with someone new i dont think i CAN talk about it and not because of the other person but i just dont think i could speak about the things bothering me. it is like i have been shoving everything down as deep as it will go but then that just makes me wonder how long i can last like that. i mean i could ignore it if it wasnt for small things bringing it back up again even smells and sounds and it is right back and i would avoid those if i could but there is no way i can do that. i mean i am trying to just focus on my studies and there are some nice people who i go to uni with and i am trying to just do normal things but i feel like i am constantly lying about "who i really am" to people even though i am not being dishonest just not telling them about things they dont even want to know anyway. idk i feel like all that time has just made it harder for me to be normal. i just cant shake the feeling like i am always about to get caught or taken by them again like i am constantly watching my back. anyway idk what to do but i guess there isnt much i can do except keep trying to ignore it for now.

You are not being dishonest to anyone @Eden1919 You are being who you are - the other stuff is very personal and hard to share with anyone. It is good that you have that outlet at uni to just be among friends. It does feel at times that there are two sides to us but we choose who we share thinhgs with to protect ourselves as well - so not sharing some things with your friends at uni is okay - you need that outlet and human connection in your life - that is a good thing. It is really positive that you are keeping up your studies and even vetter that you do have those friends to connect with at uni - do not underestimate just how important they both are to you.

Trying to ignore things is probably a good way to go - especially seeing as you have no support presently to talk about it all. It is not ideal but focussing on the here and now and what you can achieve in the moment is a way forward until you have some external supports in place again. Can you utilise the counselling services at uni?

@Zoe7 yeah i am trying really hard to just look only at what is coming up in the next year or two. if i look back i get upset but if i look too far forward i get overwhelmed so trying to only look in a 1-2yr window at the moment. the people are super nice which is great. i really dont feel comfortable with talking to uni services about this idk i guess part of it is trust issues but also i just feel better having the 2 things very seperate in my mind. if i strated dealing with the "other me" at uni i feel like it would make uni feel like a less safe place which would impact my studies and i dont want to do that, i just need those things to feel far apart atm. i think the other thing i find hard is that because you pretty much couldnt even sit down at the horrible place without being told you were annoying and attention seeking and a horrible person and because i spent so much time there i now always feel i am being demanding or unreasonable even if i am just trying to have a basic need met like having a working fridge or wanting to speak at all. so when interacting with people i always feel i am a burden and that i am annoying them even if i give them heaps of space or even if they dont seem like they are bothered so i am hyper aware of everything and constantly worried i will be told off.

Hi @Eden1919, we know that you mention you would like to talk to someone you can trust, however, have you thought about calling a helpline (like SANE's during the week) to talk about the frustration about now being able to find support? You don't have to be pressured into talking about everything.

@Eden1919 I can understand you wanting to keep your uni life separate. It seems that youm are doing well there though so take heart in your achievements - it is never easy to study and deal with MH issues so that is a real positive for you.

I am sure you are not a burden or annoying people Hon - but it must feel horrible to have those thoughts. Do you have regular contact with a GP?

@Eden1919 Hey Hon. Checking in to see how you are travelling today

@Zoe7 @Ali11 thanks for your replies. I have considered talking to sane but then i also just get so nervous about helplines and idk i can be picky with people who i talk to about this stuff even if i know the person means well if they have the wrong kind or tone of voice i just cant talk or get upset really quickly and idk it is very much about their "vibe" and it is either great or a complete disaster and for that reason i dont really like helplines as well as past expeirence with people on other helplines who were just plain rude. but i will think about it.

as for a GP i dont really have regular contact and even when i do see them they just say that i should talk to a psychologist and that they cant help so that isnt really an option.

today i am not great trying hard to keep focused but i had some flash backs just in the bathroom before i had to go to class and it made me all jittery on the way in. i just feel like it is making other things worse as well which even if i just had the horrbilbe flash backs and nightmares and all that stuff maybe i could try and ignore it but now it is making my ocd worse it is making my eating issues worse it is making my mood issues worse and it is ruining my sleep. plus a number of other things i dont want to talk about because i am trying to pretend they dont exist. so idk i am having a hard time still but trying to keep distracted. i did some painting yesterday so i guess that was ok.

If you get nervous about chatting to someone on a helpline @Eden1919 then maybe consider online chat instead. I find it hard to call anyone but have had much more success on chat - so can highly recommend it as an alternative to calling if needed.

Not great trhat you don't have a regular GP and the one you have seen doesn't seem to be very supportive. I can understand that sometimes GPs do not have the knowledge to provide that support but if you are not actually seeing a psychologist then it significant;y cuts off your access to help. What are you options - is there a psychologist you have seen in the past that you could see again - or get a referral to a new one?

The positive today is you made it to uni despite all that is going on for you - that is a win. ...and you did some painting yesterday and that is another win. Sometimes we need to take those small wins when we get them and tell ourselves that some things in our life are okay otherwise we drown in the negatives. That does not in any way invalidate what you are feeling because I can hear that it feels like one thing after another and on top of each other. It is however great that you are getting to uni and stiull participating in classes - I know how much you want to keep uni separate from everything else going on so that is a great achievement today. Take one day at a time - do what you can and continue to reach out for support when you need it.

@Zoe7 I have no access to previous psychologists and finding another new one is going to add another 3 months to the wait time. i am trying super hard but my OCD has been really bad and i had a huge panic attack last night that lasted for about 4 hours and i am honestly so so tired and just really not sure what to do anymore i can feel things getting on top of me but i cant seem to stop it and i just keep thinking "no this cant happen now i have too much at stake" and yet things just keep getting more and more difficult i dont even know anymore i dont have many options i just wish i wasnt to tired.