Not even sure what to call this

I introduced myself briefly in the introduction forums but I feel if I can explain a bit more in depth people can share their own experieinces and strategies with me.

I struggle primarily with my ptsd symptoms. I don't yet have a strategy that actually stops it/really works.

I'm really struggling with flashbacks, physical ones where it's so real if I shut my eyes I am back there. They're really frequent (1-3 times per day). Others treat me like my mental illness has been more of an inconvenience for them than it has for me and I feel extra guilt, because they have no idea what it's like to feel trapped inside my body on autopilot. I feel guilty and inadequate for being unable to communicate it to them properly. If I was just able to do that, they would understand.

It really feels like autopilot when I have flashbacks, I have zero control over my body, my heart races, the air goes really thin, my fingers and toes start tingling, and I get really lightheaded. I would literally do anything to stop it, to the point it's the worst thing in the world and I actually start to panic... About panicking... Then I have a panic attack or a ptsd episode; literally panicking because i'm so desperate to not panic and just feel safe for even 5 minutes. The only other person who was there for the trauma was my partner, who can make it go away and make me feel safe, but because I can't communicate, he thinks I am actually making it up. I just need to talk to him about the trauma and what happened, without shouting, getting angry, sighing, storming off, telling me my questions are stupid, or lying to me because it's easier than explaining the truth or because they want something from me at that moment. I need to understand. It's been nearly a year and understanding on my own hasn't worked. I really need the reassurance, in multiple ways. Being unable to get it leaves me nearly completely trapped inside a ptsd episode. He's refused to give me the reassurance for nearly a year and told me I'd be less difficult if I "was a vegatable". I love him and trust him even more than I trust myself, so this undermines every shred of self esteem I have.

I have over analysed the situation in my head a million times. I can recognise and articulate what's going on all too well, it contributes hugely to my feeling of being trapped as it is like I'm sitting here with no option but to watch, horrified, as things unfold. The one thing I don't understand is the trauma and I need him to clear up what happened and what is happening. The original trauma happened, but then his reactions to my ptsd episodes on multiple occasions retraumatised me, so now it's super complex, and that particular reaction to me is a trigger, which he continiously does, and I am continiously triggered, etc, etc... I can ground myself, but it doesn't make it go away because it's still currently happening in the form of willful negligence. He knows completely abandoning me (to the point I think he could have died) for a few days causes me extreme panic and emotional distress. But he keeps doing it because he thinks I'm making up the ptsd. We have a mutual friend who is also a GP and he held a mediation to try and explain mental illness to my partner. My partner appeared to understand and then things went really well for a few weeks, then he went back to punishing me for making things up via willful negligence/abandonment/literally triggering me into a ptsd episode. I don't mean this as a criticism to him, as I said before it is only because of my failure to communicate to him.

There's too much to explain in one go so I hope I can edit this later to be more complete.

People don't get why I can't just 'get over,' it, and I keep telling them it's because it happens over again to me every single day. I literally have at least one minor ptsd related incident every single day, and have done for the past 6 months. Before that it wasn't even great, it was still at least a few times a week. I also really find it hard to talk about what actually happened, my partner is the only one who knows what did happen other than the people who actually caused the inital trauma (he was the only other person there). I haven't been able to tell a single other soul more than the mildest 10% of the trauma. It feels like it's trapped with him, because he's not traumatised and has the ability to calmly explain to people what happened, for example my psychotherapist, so that she could help me (all my therapy sessions are a huge struggle involving her trying to find out what I'm actually there to seek therapy for). I don't want to be so reliant on someone else, but I feel like it's impossible to not be reliant until the pattern of his reaction is broken, because if it's even possible, I feel like I'm being retraumatised every month or so when I'm abandoned.

I hope that makes some sort of sense at least. Sorry for the long novel.

*Edit* wanted to add, I like my houseplants. If anyone has houseplants they want to show off pictures are welcome here (if it's not against forum rules).