All over again

Well, maybe not all over again, but it is very similar to the awfully inadequate transition from foster care phase I wouldn't wish on anyone. Long story short, at the moment I am in "transition from youth services", and have to be out and acclimated into adult services before May next year, which is a month before I turn 25.

I am already used to adult mental health services because they begin at 18. That doesn't mean they aren't grossly inadequate and inappropriate for my needs, however. Currently the only service besides the NDIS available to people with severe and persistent mental illness is the Plus Social program.

Plus Social uses the social model of care and social prescribing. The main part of the program is attending social groups and participating in activities with peers. This is supposed to be adjunctive to clinical care like medication and evidence based therapies.

In theory, it sounds great and no doubt helps a lot of people with severe and persistent mental illness who would otherwise experience a very high degree of isolation and social stigma, and who are typically treated like a waste and burden because our clinical symptoms don't improve much, if at all, regardless of any treatment or services we receive. I believe the combination of using both models of care is a step forward.

However, what it fails to take into account is that a high percentage of this population in my area are not receiving any clinical care because the public mental health system wants nothing to do with us, and the vast majority of us are on DSP and cannot afford private care, not even the sessions that Medicare rebates, which let's be real, for someone with this level of symptom severity is nowhere near enough, especially if you have multiple mental health professionals.

My GP and I have no joke spent the past 6 years trying to find me appropriate clinical care. We have basically given up because it is always inadequate and that is even if there is anyone willing to treat me. I may as well have a label on my head "I'm a huge burden and waste of your time and resources, please treat me like utter sh*t"

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand and accept that I am a lot more to take on board than the typical mental health consumer. I am under no illusion that treating me or even being in my presence is simple, because it most definitely is not. There are several things about me that make me off-putting, challenging and confronting. There is a reason my category of mental illness has "with complex needs" attached to it.

Interacting with me is undoubtedly one of the most strange things most people who meet me will experience in their life. I defy most of the commonly accepted norms as far as human behaviour, and even being human altogether, are concerned. More often than not, I receive ignorant comments about a variety of those things and I have come to expect them.

"The autism is strong in you" is one of them. Gee, thanks for that, of course it is, I am autistic and it is a core part of my being as a person. "You don't look like a trans person" is another one. And just what does a trans person look like exactly? Not that this is the case for all trans people, because it isn't, but I hate to break it to you that me not being clocked is kind of the point in my medical transition.

But for what its worth, you really shouldn't comment on a trans person's body or physical appearance unless they have given consent first. Comments like that are not helpful or useful, because whilst it is true that I pass with clothes on it doesn't mean that I don't struggle profoundly and still go about my existence having to wear a costume. Drawing attention to my appearance exacerbates that and is just rude and inconsiderate, I am a person, not a body or clothing.

I don't expect any cis person to be able to grasp what it is like to have disconnection between brain and physical body, therefore, out of both of our best interests it is wise not to comment on such things.

Anyways, back to the point. One can't really transition from anything if there is nothing to transition to. Plus Social is not an appropriate program for me, because I am asocial as sh*t and am a massive hermit and loner. I have almost no interest in being around other people and none whatsoever in social activities or groups. I don't need or want any connection or attachment to others, nor do I need or want understanding from others because that can easily be faked and forced, and takes away from my individual experience.

My GP and I are left with nothing. Typical. This is why I have basically no choice but to make use of online peer support, because there is literally nothing else. My GP has given me a referral to see the gender psychiatrist again, of which I despise having to go to because it serves no purpose other than to cover doctor's arse in providing trans healthcare to me in the future, that is IF I manage to find any. In any case, I will need his "supporting letter" to hand off to my next GP for continued medical transition, no doc around here will even consider treating a trans person without one.

You know, because I'm not capable of making my own healthcare decisions and deciding what is right for my body. Cough. I will also need his "approval and support" to be placed on the long waiting list for the new service that provides reproductive health services to trans people, because that is the only affordable and accessible route of getting sterilised, of which I personally need and have to do in order to fix my deranged birth certificate so I can actually do something with my life for once.

Personally I think it is ridiculous that a trans person who has been transitioning for so long has to get psychiatric clearance. Like I said, it serves no real use or benefit to me whatsoever, its just a cover doc's arse tactic. My apologies for using that word. But really. I'm over it. Let me get on with my life.

At this point it appears that I will be receiving absolutely zero mental health services as an adult and will have no choice but to continue putting up with the functional consequences of that, and existing, yes, existing, not living, in a world that is in no way compatible with me on any level.

And 6 years ago I thought I would have a job and no longer be forcibly dependent on the state anymore. I'd laugh if it was funny. Young adult naivety. Well, in my defense, I was hidden from the world for most of my childhood and had basically zero social awareness unless it applied to the tunnel vision of the corrupt beyond belief foster care system and child protection law.

I beat myself up now I am more of a grown adult for being so stupid and naive. I should have known better, given my experience as a child, but you know, entering the real world, society, after leaving foster care and a childhood of being locked away is a profoundly surreal experience.